Wednesday, 8 February 2012


I've lost a bit of weight, I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll have lost enough for it not to be embarrassing when my doctor weighs me.
Yesterday I ate and threw up 3 times. Then I ate some potato and green beans. I woke up at 2am when my friends came in, had a drunken cuddle with housemate Claire and was too hungry to sleep so I had a 50cal cuppa soup and a zopiclone. (I hadn't taken the zopiclone earlier as I fell asleep fine).
I want to lose lose lose lose weight, I don't want to eat. However, I have a 2 hour German class at 11am, it is my first one and I need to be on the ball so to say. Then I'm going to walk to beeston. Buy hot chocolate and soups, collect the plate I made for Lissy at this special cafe where you have tea and paint plates, bowls, teapots... loads of things.
I think I need to make porridge. The sachet Lissy gave me is 121 calories but you need to put milk in there. I think you're meant to add 180ml which in soya milk is 75 caloires (TOO MUCH) but I like my porridge really stodgy and kinda...solid :/ so I reckon I can add 100ml soya (42) and then some water. So 163 calories. I know I can walk them off.
5.6km from the walking I've planned but then I usually do 7km, 8km ish just from my day.
It will be okay.

I have a lot of hair at the moment it is just longer than my boobs and, despite the amount that falls out quite thick. It shockes me quite a lot when I see it. But it is also hard. When I was 14, my hair was falling out in patches however, I was in the general hospital one time and a nurse said 'oh but you're so pretty' as in I shouldn't be hurting myself or starving myself because i'm pretty. Awhile later I was allowed weekend leave, I got up, sprayed the hair on top of my head with hairspray and set fire to it. It smelt awful, I got taken straight back to the hospital and wasn't allowed home for awhile. I wore bandanas for the next 8 months. When I was home again my mum cut my hair so it was less odd in the lengths. I have pictures and when it was in stages of growing back to long...I look like I have a mullet.
My hair is a trigger. Esspecially when in my session yesterday Claire said that I'm talented, acheiving well, worth fighting for etc. I can't deal with those things. I have always been high achieveing but it hasn't protected me from porblems and if you look at other people with problems talent and high acheivement don't seem to protect anyone. If anything they are a risk factor.

1 comment:

  1. ahhh, when we meet can we maybe go to the drinking tea and painting stuff place?! it sounds awesome! :') i hope you're doing ok, feel free to text me at any time, day or night, xo.