Sunday, 19 February 2012

Such a happy little girl

I feel completely insane but too fat to be insane. I've eaten and thrown up so much this weekend, I also have a cold.
Claire isn't replying to my emails, I'm not seeing her until Friday.
  1. I HAVE to go to all my lectures tomorrow, and walk, and finish my lab report.
  2. I HAVE to lose more weight this week.
  3. I HAVE to stop being hungry all the time (and don't tell me to eat, just fuck off if you're going to tell me to eat, I KNOW that). I hate (yet love) how it hurts, right up under my ribs with hunger.

6 weeks until the end of term. If (and I won't) I lost 1.5-2kg per week I'd be going to hospital for easter, not home. That isn't what I want to do. I actually miss home a lot at the moment. I also won't sustain that sort of weightloss. It is a bit like anyone saying 'If I stopped eating, I'd be dead in 4 months'. I look disgusting in all the facebook photos of me.

I want to write to my old doctor but I don't think she'll reply so I dunno.


  1. Hey, sounds like you have had a bad weekend.
    Maybe you should write to your doctor if you feel like you need to?
    I'm pretty frustrated at the moment too, my stupid body wont lose weight! It's harder than usual for some reason.
    I'm just curious, what are your stats?
    Alice xx

  2. A agree with Alice May that you should write to your old doctor if you want to - the worst that will happen is that you a. get no response or b. she'll say she cannot help you. Even though both of those things would be difficult to deal with, they aren't that bad.

    I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend. You can make this week better. Keeping busy with schoolwork should help ward off the anxiety-induced binging/purging. I wish we could find you a better outlet for your frustrations so that you wouldn't feel like you had to resort to something harmful. I'm afraid you're going to end up back in the hospital from od'ing again :(

    When was the last time you heard from Claire? She probably needs some time (and doesn't do work emails on the weekends) to get back to all of her patients, right? I know she's not ignoring you.