Thursday, 29 March 2012
I have campaigning 1-2pm it is this time-to-change thing. Getting people to sign a pledge that they will talk about mental health. I have to be one of those people that just walk up to you and ask you stuff :S
Then I have tutorial 2-3pm. I emailed my tutor a fortnight ago asking if I was meant to be doing my presentation but she didn't reply. I emailed her yesterday asking if she got my email before and that I hadn't done my presentation because I've been doing my other coursework and the other people in the tutor group had said S and N were doing their presentations. She was fine with it when she replied, she knows I was seeing crisis team and had a load os crappiness going on but I still feel bad/annoyed. Because if she had said I was doing my presentation today I could have written it and done it and now I'm doing it after Easter and no one else is doing their's that day (because they've all done it).
Also I'm pretty sure someone vomitted outside my door last night, it is 90% cleaned up. This is one of my biggest fears about student accomodation. So far I haven't had it happen but it is gross and I don't want to leave my room...
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Her facebook page is covered in birthday wishes including the boyfriend who raped me.
happy birthday :p
what's your address!!?!?!?!?!?!?!
lots of love
I hate that they are in touch. I just feel that if a friend raped another friend I wouldn't stay friends with both of them. I guess I feel a bit betrayed. Maybe I don't have the right because we barely talk anymore.
I emailed my mum saying pretty much 'like seriously, things are fucked with food, I'm not going to be able to just be normal' only in a longer and better way. She emailed back saying we'll take it as it comes and that we can talk about it in the car on Friday. I don't know if that is more or less stressful than not knowing when we were going to talk about it.
I have b-eat group in 40 minutes, I'm really hoping that there will be more than 2 of us but I kind of doubt it. If it is just me then I won't stay, I've gone off talking about me.
I wrote a fair chunk of my lab report this afternoon, it is going to be too short and suck as always but at least I'll have something to hand in.
This is the mug I painted the other weekend, the elephant is Elmer. If you don't know who Elmer is then your life is lacking and you must go and google Elmer (and probably Barbar) RIGHT NOW.
I'm getting more and more stressed about going home, about Friday when I'm meant to be going out for dinner with my brother to a Thai restaurant which definately won't have nutritional information, it probably doesn't have a website even. Then I'm worried just about being at home and there being a dinner everyday that I think my parents are going to expect me to eat and I just don't think I can.
I went out for dinner last night with the friends I live with, we went to Nandos it was erm...shit.
I might email my mum. I don't know.
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
I saw the doctor this morning, not Dr Connor. She gave me THREE prescriptions dated so I have a maximum of 14 citalopram at any one time. I have NO HISTORY of overdosing on citalopram! Grr.
She also told me off for not going to the doctors for a month-ish and she has done my prescription so I have to go and see them my first day back after the Easter break to get my meds.
I finished my essay yesterday evening but today I just can't focus. I hate lab reports.
Monday, 26 March 2012
I walked out, whacked my head against the wall a few times whilst crying, punched myself a few times and went back. All this led to a new thing, involuntarily punching myelf in the face. Yay I'm so cool.
I don't even want to talk about the bitchy crap going on in hall at the moment.
Four days left until the end of term. I've pretty much got the word count of my essay but I still need to do referencing and actually make it cohesive... and then a lab report.
Tried to think of ways to make the week less stressful with Claire, pretty much concluded it was just going to be a stressful week.
Feel so so so so fat and horrible and adheifheiwhfewhifhw
Saturday, 24 March 2012
I don't really know what to write. I just feel a bit blank. I called my mum, I've been doing that a lot recently. I have to try really hard not to hang up with those little lies I've been telling for years "just going to have dinner now" etc. I need to be honest with her otherwise she won't understand that when I get home I can't just go and eat out or eat dinner or well, eat.
Tomorrow I'm hoping to have more energy and do some more work.
Friday, 23 March 2012
I feel like I should be 'making the most of' being in complete control of eating/ not eating before I go home in one week. I wish it was as simple as: hungry = eat, full = stop.
I'm actually up and will be in my statistics lecture which is flabbergasting. This will bring my attendance up to 25%...luckily they don't take a register.
I'm going to statistics, I'm not going to German which means I have two hours to hang out with my friends. Then we have biological psychology with one of my least favourite lecturers. Then, and this is shocking, brace yourselves...I'm going to the library to do coursework. This is the second time since I started university in October. Seriously man, I've timetabled myself 2 hours a day there next Monday, Tuesday AND WEDNESDAY! Yeah...I have two deadlines for next Friday (the end of term) and they have already been extended twice.
I feel pretty huge today, mainly because I'm wearing jeans. They got too big so I put them on a hot wash and tumblr dry, they now fit like normal skinny jeans but it feels odd them being tight and I feel like wahhhh I've gained, I'm huge etc. Have to keep reminding myself that I shrank them. They are the only pair of trousers I have that aren't jogging bottoms (aka sweatpants) because I pretty much aways wear skirts and dresses but I can't wear tights because I need easy access to the MASSIVE blisters on each of my little toes. Kinda tempted to change to my joggers...
I feel like I'm out of the worst of feeling really low, the eating remains -as ever- a constant issue but in terms of overdosing and stuff I feel like I am over that for now? I mean it comes in ups and downs and I feel like I am coping with it at the moment.
I know things are going to be really hard at home and I am slightly dreading it but at the same time I really really want to be home. This is the first time pretty much ever that I've felt like that. I never got homesick on school trips or exchanges. When I was in hospital I really didn't want to be in hospital but a the same time I didn't want to be at home because I knew it wasn't working. I did however want to go home to check my emails! But now, even though things aren't perfect I really want to be home. I guess in part it is because I get time away, at university, or I can just get on the train to London which I manage to do even if I can't walk into my own town.
I love this space, that I can write the positive and the negative. It can be really hard to talk about the positive in an appointment because I struggle with the response from the therapist/doctor/nurse and I worry that people will think everything is fixed when actually it just means I am more able to work on the stuff from the past.
Thursday, 22 March 2012
I walked just over 5 miles because I didn't walk back to campus. My shoes were rubbing and my hips are really stiff (and I was being lazy).
I'm now in my lab class then I have an extra lecture after this at 5-6pm :(
I don't feel great...but today could've gone a lot worse.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
I sent an email to Claire explicitly saying I didn't know what to do and my pros and cons. She didn't reply. I don't know if that was because she was busy or because she wanted me to decide myself.
Basically I've decided to go. Partly because I'm telling Lissy to go to her CMHT appointment and they are rather shitty too so I don't know, I'm hoping it might encourage her.
Over the last few days I've ballooned, literally. I look like I've got a balloon in my stomach. I feel dehydrated though I'm drinking loads. I have a really bad headache and I've gained over 5lbs. The 5lbs physiologically cannot be fat or muscle but it is still terrifying.
Oh fuck I've decided to go now. I don't mind the walk, I like the walk but I hate the hospital. It is all modern and echoey and everything is 'safe' even the coat hook on the back of the toilet door is just rubber so it would support a coat but not enough to hang yourself on. And that is in the friggin' outpatients department. I also don't like it because all the other patients in the waiting room last time were fat...I guess because of meds and whatever problems they have.
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
- I'll walk 10 miles if I go
- It maybe maybe maybe possibly be helpful
- I'm worried if I cancel I will at somepoint in the future have it thrown back at me as "you turned down help"
- I'll miss a lecture
- I have absolutely nothing to say to them
- I will probably feel really rubbish if I go, I always cry as I leave because the appointment is so shitty and not useful
I don't know what to do.
Also I'm really hungry but today I've already had 2 coffees (80), fruit tea, mocha light frappacino (96), haribo (100), toffee popcorn (150), green beans (68), soup (42), hot chocolate (80).
616, twice as much as I had planned on having.
Sunday, 18 March 2012
I've written a letter to Shannice. Need to go to the post office to post it tomorrow (it is not standard letter size). I also have some stuff to post to Lily. So I have to walk tomorrow, which is good, no reason to be lazy. Dunkirk postoffice via the lake, Starbucks in the SU then developmental psychology lecture. Including back to my Hall the whole thing is only 4 miles but still, better than nothing.
Today was really nice but I don't really have the energy to write about it.
I'm writing an email to Claire.
Saturday, 17 March 2012
Tomorrow I'm spending all day with Claire. We're going to this place where you paint plates and crockery and they glaze them for you. Then we're getting lunch, in a cafe. I'm really worried. I know this place does paninis which mainly I'm allergic to because of cheese. I don't know if they'll have soup. They don't have a website so I can't work it out and ahhhhhhhhh. Additionally we might also be having breakfast together because she is having some of my porridge and I don't know if that means she is expecting me to have some. I can say no but blarrggghhhh I don't want her to know what I've eaten all day and she will because we're spending all day together!
I called my mum today and even she, on the phone was asking what I was eating today, when we were hanging up she was like "I'm going to eat lunch now, because MY stomach says it is hungry and that means it is lunchtime". I know she is trying to help but I just feel awkward that she is doing that on the phone, what is it going to be like when I'm at home?! I feel like I have to really lose a lot of weight in the next 2 weeks because I might not lose much or any over Easter.
I really miss seeing (mental health) Claire. She is meant to be back at work on Monday but I've not got an appointment until the following Monday...then 4 days after that I go home.
Friday, 16 March 2012
Quaker oats (96), soya margarine (40), SUGAAARRRR (lots). Put in the microwave.
I want to book my doctor's appointment for the end of term but the online system isn't working. Some of us like to book our appointments in the middle of the night okay? Not a good time to maintain the site guyzzz.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
I have an appointment there next Thursday but I don't know if I'm going to go or not.
I'll probably screw up and eat but I want to give up with food again. Too big.
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
I finally got rid of one cold about a week ago, now I have another one. The feeling of being bruised is also back only in my legs as well.
B-eat was pretty funny. There were only two of us plus the two group leaders. We did talk about some stuff to do with eating disorders but mainly we just talked about random stuff and giggled. Which was lovely to be honest. They did check if we wanted to get back on track but yeh it was nice...
Completely failed at going to talk to my German teacher, emailed my mentor saying ahhhdon'tknowwhattodopleasefix I don't know if she will or not.
I went to see my teacher for labs this morning, I have to go and see my German teacher at 4pm because I've missed so much. Meeting with the Warden at 7pm and b-eat at 7.30pm. I'm pretty (selfishly) relieved my friend has decided not to go to b-eat. I (selfishly) want it to be my space where I don't have to think about people I see on a daily basis.
At the moment I feel pretty shitty but I felt good yesterday and last night so I guess that is life.
I have my appointment at Crisis tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to the appointment but I am looking forward to walking there. It is just under 2 hours of not really feeling like I'm anywhere. I don't know if that really makes sense. I don't know what to say to them. They keep asking me about my weight but I'm pretty sure I've gained since Saturday.
They'll probably ask me about self harm and overdosing and stuff and I don't really want to tell them because it is just :/ like wayhey I screwed up again.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
I got a new dress in the New Look sale for £9 when I went into the city with friend-Claire this afternoon.... I can't find a picture online but if you're friends with me on facebook then there will probably be (awful) pictures of me on there soon. It is orange with flowers on.
It is kind of big...it is a 6 but I'm pretty sure it would fit a size 10. It looks okay though.
Sarah my friend from psychology might come to the b-eat group tomorrow...I do want her to get help but...I like that b-eat is my space, I don't have to see any of the people there except in the group. Yes I might see them around but we wouldn't talk and definitly not about the group. I worry that if I'm honest in there now that Sarah would bring it up on another day :/ she might not even go though. She has a first appointment with Farrah on Thursday and I'm kind of jealous that she gets to see her...but really glad she isn't seeing Claire because I'd just feel a bit invaded :/
I feel pretty sick, I keep getting an icky taste of pills in my mouth.
Monday, 12 March 2012
Today went okay.
My dad called me, my mum had told him things weren't going well. It is kind of easier with him because I know he won't go away and get upset about what I say. He just wants to help. They have both taken on board that when I come home the food discussion needs to happen away from the kitchen and not around a meal time.
I'm seeing Crisis at the psych hospital again on Thursday. I walked there last time so now I 'have to' walk there again. It takes about 1hr 45mins to get there. I was meant to be seeing Claire on Wednesday but she came to work this morning and then went off sick again so she is going to be off all week to try and get properly better.
Tomorrow I'm meant to have mentoring but I really don't want to talk to anyone else at the moment that I've cancelled. I have one lecture then I'm going into town with Claire (friend) we're going to go to New Look and Primark and maybe some other places.
Then in the evening we have formal dinner. Claire and her husband (an alumni of my hall) were meant to be coming but I'm guessing Claire or neither of them will come if she is ill? Then there is the afterparty which I've said I'll go to but I doubt I'll have the energy :/ who knows. I haven't decided what to wear. I want to wear a playsuit I have but it is completely impractical when you need the loo!!! Nothing else I have really fits anymore. I had things which were tight/ too small before and I didn't really realise I'd got smaller so I didn't try them on and now they're too big so they were just a complete waste.
Crisis called me at half past two yesterday. I was kind of upset.
Then I went to sleep and didn't get up until 8am this morning. It was nice to be able to switch it all off.
I have lectures 11-1pm and 3-4pm I haven't decided if to go to the 11-1pm one yet. Waiting to hear back from my tutor about when she is free this morning.
I'm still really tired though, despite all the sleep.
Sunday, 11 March 2012
I got upset after and called Crisis team but the woman didn't know who I was and kept asking if I was under their service and who I see and stuff and I told her but I just felt like I wasn't meant to call and I couldn't really deal with talking to someone who didn't have my notes.
But I'm still alive so it is fine. I called again this morning, they are meant to be calling me back but no one has, it has been 50 minutes. I just keep panicking and wanting to cry and not know what I'm doing all day isn't helping.
I want to do some essay, go to the big tesco and get soup and hot chocolate and I kinda want to go to the New Look in the City because they've remodeled the store and have a sale on. But everything I try and do I just bleh.
I don't want to be on my own but there is no one here I can just hang out with and not have to make an effort.
I might call again :/ rjfhebiqqsdkjn rehwiodj hueidnwq
Saturday, 10 March 2012
I went to the dining hall today for the first time in weeeeeeeeeks.
Casualty is on in 21 minutes, I have watched everything else on tv that I can and want to watch.
I haven't done any of my essay. I might do some tomorrow. I might go shopping. I might just not do anything.
I've been thinking about calling my mum and telling her what is going on but :/ I just, kind of, can't.
We talked about Thursday (when I OD'd) and how I felt today and stuff. Then we talked about the different options, which are a bit vague at the moment. Basically whether I see one person for everything or different people for different things (so deal with the self harm, then the ED, then the other stuff etc). But also what order to deal with things in. They think (and I agree) that the eating and self harm/ overdosing are the two things that need dealing with most and first and they know that when one has been dealt with in the past the other gets worse etc.
I said I felt more prepared to deal with the sh/OD stuff because I could see myself actually being better. I don't WANT to do those things, I feel like I have to. I don't get anything from it except bad things. It is also something I need to stop doing rather than the eating where I have to change my whole life. If I get to a stage where I don't SH or OD then yes I might still get triggers sometimes but I really feel like I could deal with it because I have gone for quite long periods in the past without doing those things.
However with eating even people who are better still feel fat and everything they just don't respond to the feeling by not eating. So if I get 'better' I will still feel the same but I'll eat and be a bit fatter...it isn't really that much motivation. Plus I can not keep blades and pills around, I have to have food around if I'm better. I have to have food around anyway even if it isn't my food.
Then we made a plan for the next few days. Jackie is going to call me between 10 and 12 on Monday, she is also going to call Claire and update her and she what she thinks about it all. Then I'm seeing Claire on Tuesday or Wednesday then Tracey (crisis team) is working on Thursday so I might see her then.
I really want to do some work today. I have an essay extension which ends on Monday. My tutor said not to worry about it but I think I would feel better if I'd achieved something, even if it isn't finished by then.
Oh and I went to Primark and Starbucks and twas lovely though it made me miss Felicity and Shannice :(
Friday, 9 March 2012
I feel like a complete fraud, I tried on some other trousers because my jeans are pretty loose now. I fit in my UNIQLO UK4 cords. They are a 24 waist. I am not a UK4. It has made me feel fatter. I had these trousers in my draw and I had it in my head that when they fitted I'd be thin and feel like it. I look the same.
I hate this.
I'm walking to my appointment at Highbury tomorrow. Google says it is going to take 1 hour 45 minutes.
I really need to shower.
There is this 'mental wealth group' tonight. I'm involved with it but it is campaigns not so much a support group. I might go just for something to do but I'm worried that the other people who are involved with it - who don't know crazy me - will be like wtf... also I need to shower and take out my rubbish aka bags of vomit.
Two of the crisis team came to see me, it was two men so because it is all over my notes about not wanting to see men they saw me in cubicles not in the interview room. They didn't have to ask that many questions because they already know stuff about me.
I came home and spent all night throwing up. Crisis team are calling me within the next 2 hours to arrange an appointment.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
I went to sleep just wishing, wishing, wishing I would wake up at xlbs. As in that I would have magically lost 20lbs. As you will have guessed, it hasn't happened.
My tutor replied saying not to worry and she is going to talk to the head of teaching to work out a plan.
I'm really worried about seeing Crisis team :/ I know I'm only seeing women because the main reason I didn't go into hospital is because there are male staff and they got that that would be more distressing and therefore risky than just letting me go. But I'm worried what they are going to say. The purpose of the meeting is to work out what is going on with my care, referrals etc. From talking to the woman who called yesterday evening they basically don't understand why I'm not seeing ED or the psychology service (who also deal with EDs when it is more complicated). They seemed really reasonable on the phone but I'm really worried they will upset me or I'll get upset and then they'll be all "you need to take responsibility for yourself" with me.
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
They suggested I get a taxi to Highbury and I was like I CAN GET THE FRIGGIN BUS I just don't want to get pissed off with you guys and then be in the MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE meaning I decide the best option IS TO TOP MYSELF.
Yes Highbury is another psychiatric hospital built conveniently close to train and tram lines. Clearly people who design these things think it is a good idea.
Not that they have to staff to see me until 'maybe Friday' anyway.
Oh and the after the HOURS Claire has spent telling me the Notts ED service don't have a BMI criteria I got told by crisis that I don't fit 'the ED BMI criteria, that might be why they cancelled your referral'. They don't know my weight so clearly they can see I'm a mega fatty.
Now I want to OD, mega funsies.
I just want to know what is happening. I don't know whether to call crisis team or not :/
It was a pretty strange night. It didn't really feel like it was happening to me it was too crazy.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
My friend (from uni) took a small OD last night so I went and saw her and got her to email Claire. She was seeing the uni counselling service but they just said on Monday (with no warning) 'I can't help you' and cancelled all her other appointments without arranging anything else. If uni counselling doesn't help they are meant to refer you to Claire. So I duno.
Anyway, I just went and bought soya milk so I can have coffee and hot chocolate. I've taken quite a few water pills...I haven't been for a wee for almost two days and I'm mega bloated and gained 5lbs. Since I took them I've lost 2lbs from peeing.
I quite want to eat more. Not in a binging way, just to have some mashed potato or porridge. But the idea kind of stresses me out.
I'm meant to be going to a cocktail bar this evening, meaning I have to dress up...meaning I have to shower. Plus alcohol (CALORIES, WATER RETENTION). Yay.
Monday, 5 March 2012
I'm really ok, really really I am. I'm not saying I'm not 'ill', I have an eating disorder - we all know that - but I am ok.
I don't know what I think of it. In my head NG = weight gain not weight loss. NG = being kept alive when you want to die not getting your life back.
My back and stomach and everything really hurt.
I'm not seeing Claire until next week now, next Tuesday or Wednesday. That is another goal, to be xlbs by then, to have gone x days without eating.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
I fit in Miss Selfridge size 4 dresses.
I am jealous of my friend who is in hospital even though I know that is completely fucked up.
I just ate some mashed potato.
So now you know what a bitch I am you can stop following me.
Shannice is in hospital, I'm worried about her and she probably is pissed off at me because I called her ward to tell them she had silenced her heart monitor. I thought it was better than facebook messaging her mother...
I'm worried about seeing Claire tomorrow. I can't...speak at the moment. I'm just angry and moody at everyone who tries to help even if they are people I love like Hannah. I might write some stuff down.
I really need to do some laundry...really bad. And change my sheets and wash up and tidy up.
Okay, Shannice isn't pissed at me :)
Must. Shower. Now.
Saturday, 3 March 2012
I'm seeing her on Monday at 1pm.
I'm really really tired. I still haven't gone and checked the post room...erm Becca came to see me today which was luurvely.
I'm starting to want food but I don't know dciewoncfuhewqfe.
Friday, 2 March 2012
I'm such a dick.
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Lissy says I have to email Claire or she will. Hannah says we need to talk.
I bumped into Claire and Farrah earlier and Claire asked me to talk to her. I shrugged. She said I need to listen to what she has to say not someone else's (Dr C's) comments or interpretations. I said I didn't know when. She told me to go book an appointment.
I didn't. I can't.
I just can't speak. I've expanded ten fold, I've had too much. I used to weigh 30lbs LESS than this. 2stone 2lbs less. 13.6kg LESS.
I can't email Claire. I can't eat. I can't give in.
I have to go out in half an hour for my tutorial. I really don't want to go. I need to ask for an extension on my essay I think. Today was my main time for doing it and it has been completely wiped out and I have the play this evening. I've only done about a quarter of the actual writing and then after that it is going to need editing and I have to do the references too. I need to get it done by Thursday (when I get my next lab report) but I think I need longer than until Monday...
Mainly just want to sleep. I've had a mocha, hot chocolate, coffee and another hot chocolate.
I'd lost weight this morning, only what I randomly gained the other week. If I carry on like this I'll be under my range in 5 days. I feel just as big as when I was a lot lot heavier, I felt just as big when I was much much smaller.
Saw Dr C, he said that he would see me one week and Claire would see me another week (aka halve my appointments). Claire did NOT say this on Tuesday.
That if I had gone to ED then they would have had to stop seeing me - that isn't what Claire was telling me.
That when Claire saw me more when it was the anniversary that she only did it because she felt guilty and that they should have been tougher with me.
It was going to be okay to eat once I'd seen him. Not now. I didn't hand in my appointment slip at the desk so I don't have another one with him and I've cancelled my appointment with Claire. She isn't meant to see me every week and I saw her this week.