Friday, 23 March 2012

gotta get down on Friday

Hmm yes.
I'm actually up and will be in my statistics lecture which is flabbergasting. This will bring my attendance up to 25%...luckily they don't take a register.
I'm going to statistics, I'm not going to German which means I have two hours to hang out with my friends. Then we have biological psychology with one of my least favourite lecturers. Then, and this is shocking, brace yourselves...I'm going to the library to do coursework. This is the second time since I started university in October. Seriously man, I've timetabled myself 2 hours a day there next Monday, Tuesday AND WEDNESDAY! Yeah...I have two deadlines for next Friday (the end of term) and they have already been extended twice.
I feel pretty huge today, mainly because I'm wearing jeans. They got too big so I put them on a hot wash and tumblr dry, they now fit like normal skinny jeans but it feels odd them being tight and I feel like wahhhh I've gained, I'm huge etc. Have to keep reminding myself that I shrank them. They are the only pair of trousers I have that aren't jogging bottoms (aka sweatpants) because I pretty much aways wear skirts and dresses but I can't wear tights because I need easy access to the MASSIVE blisters on each of my little toes. Kinda tempted to change to my joggers...

I feel like I'm out of the worst of feeling really low, the eating remains -as ever- a constant issue but in terms of overdosing and stuff I feel like I am over that for now? I mean it comes in ups and downs and I feel like I am coping with it at the moment.

I know things are going to be really hard at home and I am slightly dreading it but at the same time I really really want to be home. This is the first time pretty much ever that I've felt like that. I never got homesick on school trips or exchanges. When I was in hospital I really didn't want to be in hospital but a the same time I didn't want to be at home because I knew it wasn't working. I did however want to go home to check my emails! But now, even though things aren't perfect I really want to be home. I guess in part it is because I get time away, at university, or I can just get on the train to London which I manage to do even if I can't walk into my own town.

I love this space, that I can write the positive and the negative. It can be really hard to talk about the positive in an appointment because I struggle with the response from the therapist/doctor/nurse and I worry that people will think everything is fixed when actually it just means I am more able to work on the stuff from the past.

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