Saturday, 17 March 2012

Guilt

I hadn't eaten today. I mean I'd had a lot of coffee but no food. Then this evening I went to the SU bar with Claire and another girl. We were talking about when we live in houses next year and have kitchens. Claire said "we're going to increase Eloise's food choices" it made me so panicked. I've never talked with the other girl about me and food. I think she knows, from Claire, but not properly. I don't know. So I ate some nuts because I wanted to seem normal and I felt so freaked out and guilty and I wanted to just run back to my room.
Tomorrow I'm spending all day with Claire. We're going to this place where you paint plates and crockery and they glaze them for you. Then we're getting lunch, in a cafe. I'm really worried. I know this place does paninis which mainly I'm allergic to because of cheese. I don't know if they'll have soup. They don't have a website so I can't work it out and ahhhhhhhhh. Additionally we might also be having breakfast together because she is having some of my porridge and I don't know if that means she is expecting me to have some. I can say no but blarrggghhhh I don't want her to know what I've eaten all day and she will because we're spending all day together!
I called my mum today and even she, on the phone was asking what I was eating today, when we were hanging up she was like "I'm going to eat lunch now, because MY stomach says it is hungry and that means it is lunchtime". I know she is trying to help but I just feel awkward that she is doing that on the phone, what is it going to be like when I'm at home?! I feel like I have to really lose a lot of weight in the next 2 weeks because I might not lose much or any over Easter.
I really miss seeing (mental health) Claire. She is meant to be back at work on Monday but I've not got an appointment until the following Monday...then 4 days after that I go home.

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