Saturday, 10 March 2012

Samedi

I went to my appointment this morning with Jackie from crisis team. I walked but it was nice to. The hospital is all modern and purpose built so it is quite nice but a little scary. My first hospital was purpose built but it was attatched to an older building and it still had normal door handles and stuff. The ones at this place are so you can't hang anything off them or thread anything through or wedge anything underneath them. Anyway, we had to walk the long way round the corridors because it is the weekend and some parts are locked as they are empty.
We talked about Thursday (when I OD'd) and how I felt today and stuff. Then we talked about the different options, which are a bit vague at the moment. Basically whether I see one person for everything or different people for different things (so deal with the self harm, then the ED, then the other stuff etc). But also what order to deal with things in. They think (and I agree) that the eating and self harm/ overdosing are the two things that need dealing with most and first and they know that when one has been dealt with in the past the other gets worse etc.
I said I felt more prepared to deal with the sh/OD stuff because I could see myself actually being better. I don't WANT to do those things, I feel like I have to. I don't get anything from it except bad things. It is also something I need to stop doing rather than the eating where I have to change my whole life. If I get to a stage where I don't SH or OD then yes I might still get triggers sometimes but I really feel like I could deal with it because I have gone for quite long periods in the past without doing those things.
However with eating even people who are better still feel fat and everything they just don't respond to the feeling by not eating. So if I get 'better' I will still feel the same but I'll eat and be a bit fatter...it isn't really that much motivation. Plus I can not keep blades and pills around, I have to have food around if I'm better. I have to have food around anyway even if it isn't my food.
Then we made a plan for the next few days. Jackie is going to call me between 10 and 12 on Monday, she is also going to call Claire and update her and she what she thinks about it all. Then I'm seeing Claire on Tuesday or Wednesday then Tracey (crisis team) is working on Thursday so I might see her then.

I really want to do some work today. I have an essay extension which ends on Monday. My tutor said not to worry about it but I think I would feel better if I'd achieved something, even if it isn't finished by then.

Oh and I went to Primark and Starbucks and twas lovely though it made me miss Felicity and Shannice :(

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