Monday, 30 April 2012
It is twenty-past eight. I have nothing else to do this evening except watch the second half of a TV drama on at nine.
I feel like I've lost my ability to talk. I've barely spoken to anyone all day.
I'm getting worried about Wednesday. I'm seeing Claire at 2pm (and I'm still fat), I'm seeing Dr C at 3.30pm (and I'm still fat) and I'm going to b-eat in the evening (and I'm still fat). I don't feel like I can talk about any of the things I have running round my head because as soon as I do "you're fat you're fat you're fat" starts running through my head.
I'm going to stick up posters. My room is looking a tad bare.
Friday, 27 April 2012
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
I couldn't be bothered to binge, just ate and threw up.
Want to sleep and sleep now. I can't get warm and I can't contemplate work.
Friday, 20 April 2012
I feel like I've had a drip in my arm or a blood test, despite not having had either of those things in over a month.
I don't feel as fat or huge as yesterday but I still feel bigger than the day my mum picked me up from university.
I haven't weighed myself properly in 22 days. I mean I've stood on the scales in my clothes and slippers etc so I know I'm not higher than that weight but I don't know what I actually weigh. I think the low 50's I dunno. Too much to feel comfortable, whatever weight I am it is too much to feel comfortable.
I just want to be warm!!!
On the plus side I've properly written a third of my essay and done notes for the rest, after that I'll still have to do referencing and probably some editing as I reckon I'll be a fair way over the word limit. BUT I ACTUALLY DID SOME WORK.
Tomorrow I'm going to London and spending 'til Monday morning with Lily and Felicity. Then on Monday I'm meeting up with Ruby. I might see someone else too but they haven't replied on facebook so I figure they're quite busy. Plus after that I should probably come home so I can do more work and get ready for going back to Nottingham on the 29th.
9 days. How much weight can I lose in 9 days? Or actually 11 days given that is my next appointment. I don't know what is happening with weighing next term, I avoided the doctors the last month of term and he only weighed me twice but then crisis and Claire were kind of pissed about that so I dunno. Meant to be having bloods and another ECG but I don't know.
Thursday, 19 April 2012
But I don't know what to write, I can't think in the ordered manner required to formulate and answer to this essay question.
I have to go to the orthodontist later, it is near Sainsbury's. I want to go and buy fish fingers, hot chocolate and the 'safe' ready meals. I meant to go to a supermarket the 2nd day I got home. I've now been home 20 days.
I keep seeing people on tumblr saying "If I don't get better I'm going to be dead in a few years". I find it odd. Because anyone could die of starvation sooner than that. I don't know. I don't know if it is me being insensitive to them, them being silly or my lack of respect for danger, that I too could be dead. I don't know, I just find it all very strange.
I sent Claire 2 emails, they were kinda psycho, she said I could email as much as I liked if it was helping and she reads them but it might take awhile for her to reply. Made me feel a lot calmer. Also because she said I wasn't attention seeking or manipulative (which I still kinda think I am because maybe I'm so manipulative she can't see it).
I need to do work, I need to do work, I need to do work.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
I don't really want to go.
I am also dressed like a little girl, yet at the same time feel like a whale sized woman. The two aren't really compatible.
I think if I change to black tights and black t-shirt with the flowery skirt I might look less... little girly. Also I'm wearing a proper bra not a crop top and it looks funny. Like I've stuck the boobs on. Which I guess I have given it is a padded bra...
I've done some reading today. But not got very far in knowing what I'm actually going to write for this essay. I found out the word count is only 1000 words though which was a suprise.
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
I don't know. Just making stupid plans.
But I like this cycle.
Pre-Contempation- Is where you don't think you have a problem so change seems completely irrelevant.
Contemplation- Is where you kinda do kinda don't want to change. You can't imagine life without an ED.
Determination/ Preparation- Is where you want to change but can't actually put the action in.
Action- Is where you are actually doing it. Eating, being healthy.
Maintenance- Is just that, from here you may recover or may relapse.
Obviously there is a lot of moving back and forth between the stages as you get scared. It isn't just a neat trot round and tah dah you're recovered.
I just like it.
I want to almost die again.
I sent a really long email to Claire last night. She hasn't replied yet, probably because she is busy and it is so so long.
I say it it a lot that no one is helping me. Which isn't really true because Claire is helping me. :/
Also someone sent me to MMS (i.e. a fancy text like with a picture or something). I don't know if it was someone on here but anyway, my phone can't do fancy things like that, so I don't know who you are or what the messages say/are.
Thursday, 12 April 2012
I'm the biggest. I don't want that to be an issue for me. But it is because I'm screwed up, like last week I made Hannah leave the cafe we were in because I got tomoato soup with cream in it.
And it is like...if you're going to be that wierd you could at least be skinny right?
Then I'm staying at Felicity's.
Saturday is my little brother's birthday and we are meeting in London. My brother and I are chilling in London I'm not sure what we're going to do exactly but anyway. Then we're meeting up with my parents and I think my older brother and going to a Turkish restaurant for an early dinner. Whichisratherterrifying. I am hoping my older brother isn't coming because I will find that easier but I think he almost definately is. Anyway, then we'll go home.
Sunday I'm heading West to see Lily, then on Monday morning we are going to her ED appointment together. I'm hoping being stuck on a train with nothing to do for an extended period will mean I actually do some uni reading and note making.
hijojvieWHIHEUFGWADNIWQsdjiweohfwhfuehfsji I just feel stressed out. Not because of any one thing like I'm just a bit sick of all of this you know? The whole eating disorder thing I mean.
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
I really quite want to go through and delete 90% of the people I went to school with.
My 'group of friends' are all still friends, they are scattered across the country at different universities and in the holidays they all reconvene.
I don't. Because at 14 I went crazy and I didn't spend much time in school after that. Then at 16 I went to college and they all stayed at our school for sixth form. I was out of the loop and still screwed up and various things got said.
Now they pop up on my facebook in pictures together, doing normal things.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
I can't concentrate basically, thinking about my life and the past and the future too much.
Oh and my thighs, pretty up there on the 'thoughts consuming my mind' list.
I need to write my essay. I also need to write a presentation on a piece of psychological research. Not something famous just something from a journal off google scholar or something. CAN'T CHOOSE!
Can't do Tourettes because I'll tic even more and it'll just be embarrassing more so that it is already going to be.
Oh and joy, filling in my DLA form. Most depressing form ever.
When I saw Crisis team they said I can't do psychotherapy until I'm lower risk; not self-harming as much, not OD'ing, ED is improved. But I'm pretty sure ED are going to offer me psychotherapy... :/
I want Claire to be back from her holiday (next Monday) so I can email her and so she can maye sort things out with Dr C for me. As much as he pissed me off it is pretty impractical to see any of the other doctors because they are all a little scared of me.
Hmm does this ring a bell?
Monday, 9 April 2012
Next weekend it is my little brother's birthday. We're going to the Southbank (London) then going for a meal. MOSTSTRESSFULTHINGEVER. Really really not looking forward to the day at all... :/
I am however looking forward to Friday :) meeting up with Lissy, Amy, Hannah and Maryam for the day whooop. Haven't seen them since Christmas and then Maryam couldn't come, sadness.
I tried to weigh myself this morning. Realised my scales have no batteries in them...#highlightofmyday.
Kinda sick of my clothes not fitting. I have a summer ball mid-June and I can't find anything that fits. I have a UK6 long dress which is okay but I can't wear a bra with it (not that any bras fit me, crop tops yayI'm10) and it is loose and I'm worried cause if I lean forward you can see my 'boobies'...
It has a neck like in the picture though different fabric etc. Anyway, it is really hard to find size 4 that isn't petite...Miss Selfridge does it but I don't know if I like their stuff that much. I don't know grrr. I just would rather have something to wear because I don't want to end up going shopping with other girls because the size thing is SO awkward. Being a 6 is awkward let alone a 4 "Sorry but everything in thise whole shop is too big for me" they see it as that I'm saying they are fat, leading to them talking about boobs, either my lack of them or how they're only such and such a size because they have big boobs.
Not my idea of fun. It is over 2 months away anyway. There is no point in looking because I don't plan on staying this weight for the next 2 months.
I need to actually do some uni work this week...
Is there an age at which children become able to understand the concept of other people having a unique mind?
And a presentation and then I can start revision. I should do some German too...have no desire to, at all. Wouldn't even go back to the class if it wasn't for part of the exam being in the classroom. So glad I have only Psychology modules next year. As much as I love the physiology and pharmacology module I take I suck in the exam.
Next year I take:
- Statistical Methods 2 [20 credits]
- Practical Methods [20 credits] (Lab experiments)
- Cognitive Psychology 2 [20 credits]
- Social and Developmental Psychology [20 credits]
- Neuroscience and Behaviour [20 credits]
- Conceptual & Historical Issues in Psychology, Personality & Individuals [20 credts]
There, bet that was the most interesting thing you've ever read...