Monday, 30 April 2012

Universit├Ąt

Today was 'good' I mean, I did everything I planned to do. But there is no buzz. Normally I get such a high over not only following my plan for doing work but also sticking to my plan for food. However, I'm not hungry, meaning it isn't a challenge and there is no buzz.
It is twenty-past eight. I have nothing else to do this evening except watch the second half of a TV drama on at nine. 
I feel like I've lost my ability to talk. I've barely spoken to anyone all day. 

I'm getting worried about Wednesday. I'm seeing Claire at 2pm (and I'm still fat), I'm seeing Dr C at 3.30pm (and I'm still fat) and I'm going to b-eat in the evening (and I'm still fat). I don't feel like I can talk about any of the things I have running round my head because as soon as I do "you're fat you're fat you're fat" starts running through my head.

I'm going to stick up posters. My room is looking a tad bare. 

Friday, 27 April 2012

End of the holidays

After a lot of logging in and logging out I finally booked a GP appointment (we can book online, in person or on the phone).
Wednesday. So I'm seeing Claire at 2-3pm, then Dr C at 3.30pm. I am literally going to get my prescription. I am not talking about food or weight or anything. We REALLY don't need to talk about weight anyway because it is fine. And I ate ALL the unhealthy foods so far today. 
To be honest I'll be massively surprised if it isn't a disastrous appointment because I think we're both quite stubborn and I can't imagine he is going to apologise for...well anything. 
I've packed most of my clothes, sorted out my shoes. There are still things to sort out but I had to do it today because my twat of a big brother is coming tomorrow for the weekend. To 'see me before I go' supposedly. There is nothing to talk about, his job (he works for a bank) has made him even more incapable of holding interesting conversation. And we can't discuss current affairs because 1. Obviously his baby sister is completely oblivious to the world *rolls eyes* and 2. He can't be wrong so he bullshits his way through all conversations. Worse is when he tries to talk to me about my degree. IT IS MY DEGREE, IT IS NOTHING LIKE YOUR DEGREE, I AM (FUNNILY ENOUGH) GOING TO KNOW MORE THAN YOU AND NOTICE (MORE SO) WHEN YOU BULLSHIT!!!
GAH. Also I've been using his room the spare room as a sort of office during the day and have actually been studying. I still have a presentation I'd like to get pretty much finished but he is incapable of sitting in the living room. He comes home 'to see us' to actually just sit in his bedroom the spare room.
Yes, I'm being a bitchy little sister, but I don't have the energy to nod and smile and the stupid things he says for the sake of us communicating at the moment. 
It is going to be like 2pm Saturday - 8am Sunday though so really not such a big deal. Because then I'm going up to Nottingham with my Dad and all my stuff.
I thought I might succeed in packing fewer clothes. I don't think I actually have... I have fewer formal dresses. I have a silky strappy thing for any end of year things I get invited to and then a short and long option for my summer ball depending on how formal it ends up being. 
I'm scared of being back at uni, a little, but not as much now I've finished my essay and got my head round this presentation. Mainly I'm just excited. I think it is going to go far too quickly.
8 weeks.
3 weeks of final lectures and revision, then 3 weeks exams, then 2 weeks of partying and getting results.
There are also 3 bank holidays during that time, including the Diamond Jubilee. I was 9 when it was the golden jubilee (funily enough..), we got special mugs, had a picnic at school and played games. During one of these games I bit the end of my tongue off. Fun Times. 
In my head, during the summer term we're going to sit outside in the sun with music or at least a guitar. Possibly with a disposable BBQ. I need to remember that that is what I want to do. I don't have to eat or drink, but I can spend time with people. I find it hard to remember that in the summer it can be warmer inside than outside. I want to enjoy the campus. 
I'm only going to live 5 minutes from it next year, we'll actually be closer to the lake. (Oh my god, boating on the lake). I worry though that we'll forget to walk that 5 minutes to spend time there. I genuinely live on the nicest campus, it is all green and there is a lake and lots of trees and little hidden gardens and 'my' summer house. Then there is the lake which is massive and there are the geese and ducks and swans and general wildlife. Then across the road is Wollaton Park with its lake and deer with massive antlers. 
I should really spend more time enjoying it. 

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

600

My 600th post. Nothing momentous. 
I had another awful night's sleep, crying and seeing no way out until I fell asleep.
But I got up when my alarm went off, and have now mostly finished my developmental psychology essay. I still need to tidy it up and do the referencing but :)
I hate that I feel this low, it is like 2006-2008 again.
Just so completely overwhelmed with sadness. 
I go back to University in four days. I need to finish the year, I need to do well-enough. I'm not striving after a 1st or even a 2:1 but a 2:2 would be really lovely. 
Then over the summer, I can maybe maybe somehow begin to sort my head out.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

I feel shit. Yay. I have all the purging pains. Back pain, stomach pain, chest pain, shoulder pain.
I slept a lot of the day. Then my Dad woke me up.



To eat dinner. 


He had just assumed I was going to eat with them and it made me feel so annnoyed that  he had assumed. And that the site of dinner made me want to throw up.

As has happened previously

This is what happens when I'm home alone, esspecially home alone with the dog. Who goes mental on their departure. I eat and throw up. 
I couldn't be bothered to binge, just ate and threw up. 

Want to sleep and sleep now. I can't get warm and I can't contemplate work.  

I         


Friday, 20 April 2012

I don't know why but I just feel really, really low. And fat and huge and all that.

Please send me heat?

You know those days when you just can't get warm?
I feel like I've had a drip in my arm or a blood test, despite not having had either of those things in over a month.
I don't feel as fat or huge as yesterday but I still feel bigger than the day my mum picked me up from university.
I haven't weighed myself properly in 22 days. I mean I've stood on the scales in my clothes and slippers etc so I know I'm not higher than that weight but I don't know what I actually weigh. I think the low 50's I dunno. Too much to feel comfortable, whatever weight I am it is too much to feel comfortable.
I just want to be warm!!!

On the plus side I've properly written a third of my essay and done notes for the rest, after that I'll still have to do referencing and probably some editing as I reckon I'll be a fair way over the word limit. BUT I ACTUALLY DID SOME WORK.

Tomorrow I'm going to London and spending 'til Monday morning with Lily and Felicity. Then on Monday I'm meeting up with Ruby. I might see someone else too but they haven't replied on facebook so I figure they're quite busy. Plus after that I should probably come home so I can do more work and get ready for going back to Nottingham on the 29th.

9 days. How much weight can I lose in 9 days? Or actually 11 days given that is my next appointment. I don't know what is happening with weighing next term, I avoided the doctors the last month of term and he only weighed me twice but then crisis and Claire were kind of pissed about that so I dunno. Meant to be having bloods and another ECG but I don't know.


Thursday, 19 April 2012

*WHINGE*

I feel huge and fat and horribleeee. So I've come on here to whine please feel free to leave

EXIT

Yeh, so basically I was getting mega hungry and crappy and feeling bingey so I decided I've be sensible and just eat some normal food. Which is what I've done. I had soup for lunch, a muffin and hot chocolate mid afternoon, peas and fish fingers for dinner.

BUT I FEEL SO FAT AND FULL AND HORRIBLE.

And it was the one day my mum has asked me what I've eaten and I just sounded like such a greedy poo-bum because she was probably thinking 'if you can eat all that why can't you eat dinner with us' and gahhh. Oh I had a kit kat too.

I don't want to play. *sulks*

But SERIOUSLY I BLAHRJVIEHJWDHSACVJK




Focus.

I need to do work, I need to do work, I need to do work.

But I don't know what to write, I can't think in the ordered manner required to formulate and answer to this essay question.
I have to go to the orthodontist later, it is near Sainsbury's. I want to go and buy fish fingers, hot chocolate and the 'safe' ready meals. I meant to go to a supermarket the 2nd day I got home. I've now been home 20 days.
I keep seeing people on tumblr saying "If I don't get better I'm going to be dead in a few years". I find it odd. Because anyone could die of starvation sooner than that. I don't know. I don't know if it is me being insensitive to them, them being silly or my lack of respect for danger, that I too could be dead. I don't know, I just find it all very strange.
I sent Claire 2 emails, they were kinda psycho, she said I could email as much as I liked if it was helping and she reads them but it might take awhile for her to reply. Made me feel a lot calmer. Also because she said I wasn't attention seeking or manipulative (which I still kinda think I am because maybe I'm so manipulative she can't see it).

I need to do work, I need to do work, I need to do work.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

At 7pm I'm meant to be going to my friend from college's house for the evening. I think it is just going to be me and her and I REALLY with G was coming because that makes conversation easier (I don't have to say as much), G knew more about my problems and it would also mean I wouldn't feel bad if I left early-ish. (I don't know what time I'm meant to be leaving...)
I don't really want to go.
I am also dressed like a little girl, yet at the same time feel like a whale sized woman. The two aren't really compatible.
I think if I change to black tights and black t-shirt with the flowery skirt I might look less... little girly. Also I'm wearing a proper bra not a crop top and it looks funny. Like I've stuck the boobs on. Which I guess I have given it is a padded bra...
I've done some reading today. But not got very far in knowing what I'm actually going to write for this essay. I found out the word count is only 1000 words though which was a suprise.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

I'm starting to get hungry. I don't like what I bought for dinner. But I can't be bothered to cook anything else.
I just want to stop eating.
I realised from going to Lily's appointment where they lady talked about this process:


That I don't think I actually want to get better, I mean I do eventually, I don't always want to live like this. But I want to get a whole lot worse first. I feel like everyone says when you're very underweight that they can't talk about the 'issues' until you're less starved. Then I gain the weight and I've always been discharged or something else has come up like too high risk or whatever.
I don't know. Just making stupid plans.

But I like this cycle.

Pre-Contempation- Is where you don't think you have a problem so change seems completely irrelevant.
Contemplation- Is where you kinda do kinda don't want to change. You can't imagine life without an ED.
Determination/ Preparation- Is where you want to change but can't actually put the action in.
Action- Is where you are actually doing it. Eating, being healthy.
Maintenance- Is just that, from here you may recover or may relapse.

Obviously there is a lot of moving back and forth between the stages as you get scared. It isn't just a neat trot round and tah dah you're recovered.

I just like it.

I want to almost die again.
I'm exhausted (but that doesn't mean I'm not there for you) I didn't wake up until gone 1pm today and I'm still tired.
I sent a really long email to Claire last night. She hasn't replied yet, probably because she is busy and it is so so long.
I say it it a lot that no one is helping me. Which isn't really true because Claire is helping me. :/

Also someone sent me to MMS (i.e. a fancy text like with a picture or something). I don't know if it was someone on here but anyway, my phone can't do fancy things like that, so I don't know who you are or what the messages say/are.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

I feel full full full. Disgustingly full. I didn't even finish the bowl of food. This is stupid. I hate this.
Tomorrow I'm going to London to see Lissy, Maryam, Hannah and Amy. (Who all have eating disorders).
I'm the biggest. I don't want that to be an issue for me. But it is because I'm screwed up, like last week I made Hannah leave the cafe we were in because I got tomoato soup with cream in it.
And it is like...if you're going to be that wierd you could at least be skinny right?
Then I'm staying at Felicity's.

Saturday is my little brother's birthday and we are meeting in London. My brother and I are chilling in London I'm not sure what we're going to do exactly but anyway. Then we're meeting up with my parents and I think my older brother and going to a Turkish restaurant for an early dinner. Whichisratherterrifying. I am hoping my older brother isn't coming because I will find that easier but I think he almost definately is. Anyway, then we'll go home.

Sunday I'm heading West to see Lily, then on Monday morning we are going to her ED appointment together. I'm hoping being stuck on a train with nothing to do for an extended period will mean I actually do some uni reading and note making.

hijojvieWHIHEUFGWADNIWQsdjiweohfwhfuehfsji I just feel stressed out. Not because of any one thing like I'm just a bit sick of all of this you know? The whole eating disorder thing I mean.

I'M GOING TO BRIZZZZLE

*Bristol
I'm going to see Lily and we are going to chat and chill and go to her appointment and it is all going to be fineeee.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

So hungry I'm dizzy but it is midnight and I've eaten something approaching a normal amount today. Would quite like my body to behave. Cheers.
I have 335 facebook friends. I am not actually 'friends' with most of them.
I really quite want to go through and delete 90% of the people I went to school with.
My 'group of friends' are all still friends, they are scattered across the country at different universities and in the holidays they all reconvene.
I don't. Because at 14 I went crazy and I didn't spend much time in school after that. Then at 16 I went to college and they all stayed at our school for sixth form. I was out of the loop and still screwed up and various things got said.
Now they pop up on my facebook in pictures together, doing normal things.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

I'm so bored because I can't concentrate on anything. I'm cold and not tired but slow and sleepy because I haven't DONE anything.

Hi, I'm in Kent, England and I'm bored as hell. Save me.

Chapter 4: What children understand about the mind. Page 1 of 15

I am genuinely trying to focus on work...I've made a tumblr post about it and EVERYTHING.

I can't concentrate basically, thinking about my life and the past and the future too much.

Oh and my thighs, pretty up there on the 'thoughts consuming my mind' list.

I need to write my essay. I also need to write a presentation on a piece of psychological research. Not something famous just something from a journal off google scholar or something. CAN'T CHOOSE!

Can't do Tourettes because I'll tic even more and it'll just be embarrassing more so that it is already going to be.

Oh and joy, filling in my DLA form. Most depressing form ever.

When I saw Crisis team they said I can't do psychotherapy until I'm lower risk; not self-harming as much, not OD'ing, ED is improved. But I'm pretty sure ED are going to offer me psychotherapy... :/
Awkward.
I want my post from University so I can see what they actually wrote in my discharge letter from Crisis.
I want Claire to be back from her holiday (next Monday) so I can email her and so she can maye sort things out with Dr C for me. As much as he pissed me off it is pretty impractical to see any of the other doctors because they are all a little scared of me.


Hmm does this ring a bell?




Monday, 9 April 2012

Most boring post ever.

Cold cold cold. I have nothing to write about but I'm also bored. My brother has gone home which is a relief. He makes food so much more complicated.
Next weekend it is my little brother's birthday. We're going to the Southbank (London) then going for a meal. MOSTSTRESSFULTHINGEVER. Really really not looking forward to the day at all... :/
I am however looking forward to Friday :) meeting up with Lissy, Amy, Hannah and Maryam for the day whooop. Haven't seen them since Christmas and then Maryam couldn't come, sadness.

I tried to weigh myself this morning. Realised my scales have no batteries in them...#highlightofmyday.

Kinda sick of my clothes not fitting. I have a summer ball mid-June and I can't find anything that fits. I have a UK6 long dress which is okay but I can't wear a bra with it (not that any bras fit me, crop tops yayI'm10) and it is loose and I'm worried cause if I lean forward you can see my 'boobies'...

It has a neck like in the picture though different fabric etc. Anyway, it is really hard to find size 4 that isn't petite...Miss Selfridge does it but I don't know if I like their stuff that much. I don't know grrr. I just would rather have something to wear because I don't want to end up going shopping with other girls because the size thing is SO awkward. Being a 6 is awkward let alone a 4 "Sorry but everything in thise whole shop is too big for me" they see it as that I'm saying they are fat, leading to them talking about boobs, either my lack of them or how they're only such and such a size because they have big boobs.

Not my idea of fun. It is over 2 months away anyway. There is no point in looking because I don't plan on staying this weight for the next 2 months.

I need to actually do some uni work this week...

Is there an age at which children become able to understand the concept of other people having a unique mind?

And a presentation and then I can start revision. I should do some German too...have no desire to, at all. Wouldn't even go back to the class if it wasn't for part of the exam being in the classroom. So glad I have only Psychology modules next year. As much as I love the physiology and pharmacology module I take I suck in the exam.

Next year I take:

  • Statistical Methods 2 [20 credits]
  • Practical Methods [20 credits] (Lab experiments)
  • Cognitive Psychology 2 [20 credits]
  • Social and Developmental Psychology [20 credits]
  • Neuroscience and Behaviour [20 credits]
  • Conceptual & Historical Issues in Psychology, Personality & Individuals [20 credts]

There, bet that was the most interesting thing you've ever read...