Sunday, 8 April 2012

perennial fears

I feel fat, huge and bloated. My brother is home and I want him to go back to his, I just about got used to being able to say to my parents if and sometimes why I couldn't deal with something. He doesn't get why I'm doing my own meals. He just makes it so much easier to lie, yesterday he was like "oh shall I just say you're asleep" and it is like NO, they know okay. And out shopping we went to Zara and he was pointing out some nice things and I said they were nice and he said about trying them on and I said their sizes don't fit anymore and he was like "blahblahblahvanitysizing" and saying about me being "tiny" but like I'm the perfect size and stuff and I'm not by any means 'too thin' or anything but I just don't want him commenting on my size.
The other day I asked my mum about altering a dress which I bought because I love it but it is a size 10 and for it to fit properly I've have to gain 15-20lbs which is never going to happen but gah.
I don't want people commenting on my size it is just a complete mindfuck. Normal, average, ill, tiny, perfect, you-sized, skinny, healthy, unhealthy. Everyone has different opinions, everyone sees me differently and everytime I look in the mirror I see myself differently.

I know it is really stupid but I want to go back to university see Dr C and be a lower weight as a kind of 'fuck you'. Even though it doesn't do anything to him.

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