Thursday, 31 May 2012

I have no energy.
I have no food.
I have £5.10 on my lunch card which will expire at 5pm (it is 4.05pm).
I have no energy to walk up the hill to buy food.

Energy injection please

I feel so exhausted. Moving my arms and legs feels like weightlifting and even sitting here and I'm only moving my fingers to type and everything aches. I've barely done anything, the last few days have been a mess so I've barely revised and not walked at all excessively. 
I have my German exam at 9am tomorrow, I need to get 45% and I don't have a clue how I'm going to do that. Then it is the 4 day weekend because of the Diamond Jubilee which is annoying because I don't get money on my lunch card and everything shuts and I need to work and my best places for working are cafes. I think quite a few places will be open sunday hours though like 10-4 or similar.
I'm just so tired. I'm not getting work done. I don't know how I'm going to get up in time to get to this exam tomorrow. I just want to sleep.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

I feel kind of low and worried but I think in a normal way? I have an exam tomorrow that I really want to do well on (so 60% or more) but on the practice questions I got 43% and 50% which is fine but just not as much as I was hoping.
(By the way, before anyone thinks I'm an idiot I do a Psychology degree at one of the top UK universities, you *can't* get 100% on my course, getting above 70% means you're a friggin' genius)
So I'm stressing about that and the fact I'm really bloated and I'm worrying that I'm going to get my period and I really was hoping (stupidly) that it would go away again. 
Exam tomorrow, mentoring Tuesday, GP Wednesday, exam and Claire on Friday and revision everyday for the next eleven days. Then I am FREEEEEEEE (except I still need to write one more essay by mid-August).
I'm so tired. I want and moan and complain to someone but everyone is 'in the same boat' and though I doubt very many of the people I know think about cutting or overdosing or restricting because of it it is still normal to be stressed about exams. And I haven't cut in a few days or overdosed in a few months and I can barely say I'm even restricting today and yesterday.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

hungry-full-starving-swirling

I'm hungry-full-starving-swirling. I feel dizzy but I've eaten, eaten a lot more than I normally do, eaten a pretty regular amount actually (1585 cals to be exact). Yet I feel dizzy and floaty. 
I can't focus on anything. I can't help anyone with anything, can't get the words out in the right order and with enough patience.
Feeling better than last night. Up and almost ready to go out. It is crazy hot again.
That gradual fake tan? Not gradual if you are translucent like me! Which means I have some dodgy patches...but it'll work out. Wearing cropped leggings today though rather than a skirt!
(Oh the excitement of my blog...)
I'm going to starbucks and I'll have a tall mocha light frappacino which is just less than 100 (with soya). But I'm really tempted to have some food there too. Because I actually can because I'm not eating anything else. But it is still too scary. 
The panini I would like is 469cals and the muffin I would choose (I wouldn't have both) is 264/271...
I can't decide whether to take my laptop with me or not... I don't actually really need it to revise BUT I am bidding on something on ebay...BUT my laptop is heavy.
....
Ebay is more important...? No, no it isn't...revision is.

Friday, 25 May 2012

I feel worse now that the girl who got general secretary for women's network has written a status

Really happy to have been elected General Secretary of the Women's Network for next year, commiserations to Eloise who i'm sure will still be greatly involved in everything that goes on :) thanks to everyone who voted!

I just, I dunno. I felt fine about it until then. Now I feel massively down. Probably a good reason why I shouldn't be on it.

On a more exciting note I just used gradual fake tan for the first time...


LATER
The woman's officer for next year messaged me. Don't know how to reply. She was being nice but it just made me feel awful. I also looked up the definition of commiserations 'to feel sorrow or express pity for'. I have to go out tomorrow but at the moment I just want to cut and purge and generally feel shit. Because I would've been shit at the role anyway.
Got up and did revision in a pretty empty seating area on campus 10 until just before 2 when I went and saw Claire. She had spoken to Dr C and he IS going to refer me to the psychologist. So I'm going to meet her at some point for an assessment and stuff (I don't know if that will be before the summer or after).
Then we rambled on about racism/ homosexuality and people being overly 'polictically correct'...and also that I'm not a horrible person if I reapply for my disability benefit.
Tomorrow the plan is to go to a nice air conditioned Starbucks in town to revise. I need to do about 6 hours to catch up from the yesterday and the knock-on effect on today (essentially I didn't do enough work yesterday and I now need to catch up to be back on track).
I didn't get on the women's network committee. I'm not that bothered surprisingly. The facebook page of the network has been stressing me out a lot recently.
Really tired. And the heat is burning up my patience.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Went and saw my GP because things have been quite bad. Tried to explain to him how I think and that I don't understand things a lot of the time (I think he does understanda bit more now). How I get confused when he and Claire say different things. 
Claire thinks I should see the psychologist from September. Dr Connor thinks I'm 'not ready' and that he and Claire should just continue seeing me. He thinks they should just work on getting me through my degree and that I can confront things afterwards. But I want to have a life afterwards. I want to do a masters and a PhD. This has already consumed my adolescence I really want to have a more normal 20's...
It is really hot, two days ago I was wearing two pairs of tights. Last night I had me window open all night and told I'm not wearing tights at all. The weather and how I feel is making me really tired.
It is only five days until my next exam. I haven't done any work for it and I really need to but I just want to sleep. 
I feel really fat.
Until I came to university I'd never been told I 'wasn't ready' for help. Dr Hill I think decided I wasn't ready to talk about certain things because I would just go quiet or change the subject (and I didn't even mean to) but other than that I've always thought I wasn't 'ill enough' rather than too ill. So confusing.

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

I just seem to be fucking up left right and centre. Fun times. 
Seeing Dr C for an extra appointment tomorrow. The joys.
Sorry, crap blog.

Monday, 21 May 2012

10:40am

I'm tired, I woke up tired. I've had some porridge and I've got coffee. My neck and shoulders ache. I feel huge but I'm more aware of my ribs and shoulders. I haven't lost a lot I don't know if it is just eating less meaning I'm more aware of my body, I don't know.
The weather is still grey.

I'm meeting this woman with my tutor at 2.30pm so I do have to go out today. I want to go out sooner than that. I want to feel awake and go and revise and learn stuff because my exam is TOMORROW.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

I ate and I feel really rubbish. Everything is grey and boring, everyone is getting stressed by exams and I'm tired even though I've only been up for 7 hours. 
I want to feel a bit more alive.



Saturday, 19 May 2012

And the walls came a'tumblin' down!

Having a bit of a crappy time. Got mega triggered on Wednesday. Haven't eaten since then. Been a total bitch and lied to someone about it which is 100% out of order because she is lovely and just trying to help and I could've just told her. 
Called nightline (uni listening service kinda like Samaritans but for any problem). Put the phone down fully intending to go and make some porridge, went out my door, walked past the kitchen.
I'm now planning on having some mashed potato whilst I watch Casualty which starts in 20 minutes. I keep planning to eat and then I don't. I'm kind of thinking well if I eat tonight I'll have to eat something else tomorrow to concentrate so I could just eat tomorrow. Which is what I thought last night and then I just didn't today.
And I weighed myself and I've lost during the last few days and then I'm like 'well if I just don't eat for another few days I'll be at x weight which will solve ALL the problems' which I know isn't even true.
It is more frustrating knowing that this is all illogical and unhelpful and just silly. At least when I was younger I didn't see the logic, I would just be like 'wow, I've lost, this is good, food is unnecessary'. 
I think food is superfluous and it REALLY isn't but I've been doing this for so long and I'm still alive and not at a very low BMI it just adds to that false belief. 
Like when I take supposedly fatal overdoses and don't even need a drip.

I want to be able to call someone and go and see them and eat something with them and that make it all better. But I can't do that. I don't know if I could even eat with them. It wouldn't make it all better.

Friday, 18 May 2012

Committee elections

Euurghj no way going to get general secretary of the women's network. The girl running against me has this whole facebook group and got all her friends to join the network before membership closed for elections (which they do so you can't get all your friends to vote for you..)
Feel kinda shitty. It isn't that I don't think she would be good at it I just wish it wasn't a popularity contest and was based on our manifestos...in which case she may still win because hers is much more formal. I dunno. 
If you go to Nottingham and happen to be a member of the WN, vote for the person with the longest surname ;P but I think it is pretty unlikely...
I am going to go to psychology dept/ a library to study. But I'm not going until 11am at the earliest because I'm working until 4pm and any more than that and my brain will burn out. I'm 100% focusing on stats at the moment which means I will encounter AHHHHH SO MUCH WORK TO DO FOR SUCH AND SUCH EXAM however I need to focus on stats. Then biological and then developmental and physiology and pharmacology will need to be at the same time... Lets forget German.
I am actually meant to be in my German oral right now. However Claire wrote a letter saying she didn't think I should take it so huzzah, made me so much less stressed. 
On a much sadder note, I'm almost at the end of The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest audiobook. only about 3hours left, meaning I've already spent 21 hours of my life listening to it. And then the one before was 28 hours... audiobooks are not conducive to revising...

Thursday, 17 May 2012

I just handed in my last piece of coursework for this year. Thanks very much to

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

I get sad when I lose followers. Even though I know it might just be because they have left blogger rather than choosing to stop following me, even though I know not all my followers read my posts anyway, even though the idea of that many people reading my ramblings actually rather terrifies me when I think about it...but I don't like it when the number goes down (rather like a reverse of the scale then...).
I saw Claire this morning and got a letter saying she recommends I don't take my german oral. My proper appointment with her is on Friday. Then I saw Dr C and it was ok, just a little pointless. I mean I got my prescription which is useful but I didn't see the point of the rest of the appointment. I don't know what I'm meant to say in them. So he was like 'lets focus on the positives' which is fair enough but doesn't really solve anything. 

Trying to write an abstract for my lab report. Failing. I should at least do the referencing for it though.

Last night was the women's network AGM, had to do my little 'why I want to be on the comittee' thing. Only I went first and oh my goodness I was awful and yeh, not going to get elected. Or at least I really doubt I will. There are other positions I can stand for in September though so I might still get on the commitee. 


 

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

crushing my chest

My chest really hurts and I know it is just anxiety but this is exhausting. I haven't done any work today, I didn't do any work yesterday. I should go to the science library after I see Dr C (joy) tomorrow morning. 

I want to disappear. I can't deal with this. I don't feel out of control, I just feel really really stressed.
And stress just freezes me. Makes me want to curl up in bed and do nothing. 

Tonight I'm meant to be going to the women's network husts.


Want. To. Die.

Monday, 14 May 2012

AHHH

I want to go to the women's centre, other people from the network are over there helping organise the library. But I'm so so so anxious and ahhhhh.
I have a German oral on Friday and I didn't know we were really able to prepare for it but I have to meet up with the rest of my group tomorrow afternoon to go through it (AHHHH) and I really don't speak German and really really don't want to do it (AHHH).
I can't concentrate 'cause of this stupid clenched-up-scared feeling in me and part of me knows that going to the women's centre would be a good idea. I'll be around people and occupied but going downstairs and out the door feels like a massive barrier. 
I'm also very bloated and very tired from yesterday evening.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

I had a lovely meal out, well it was a disaster but in normal ways like our food taking ages and orders getting mucked up however, I didn't throw up and I drank two cocktails and went dancing.
But at the bus stop (I was with two lovely girls) and I told them about one of the times I was raped, not as in detail but that it happened and now I've got in I feel like such a shit person. 
Regretting saying it, regretting the calories, regretting so much stuff.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Inhibition of Return

Actually had another quite good day, I sort of forgot food but when I remembered I had some :) and I've done the bulk of my final lab report all in one day. I feel like I've written so much more than usual but it isn't much longer. But if I get more than a D I'll be thrilled so hopefully it'll work out. 

I also did colouring because this lovely lady Ruby drew a colouring page on her tumblr. So whether you want her increasingly wise words or amazing illustrations check her out!

Then I called this mini-commune for people with problems about going to stay there in the summer. I'd emailed them and ...I'm probably going to visit the second week of June. 

Tomorrow, having done work today I could get up and go into town. I need replacement cheap shoes from Primark, I still have a £10 New Look voucher and I could go to Starbucks or somewhere maybe. But I feel really panicky thinking about going. Which is really annoying because I don't even want to go with anyone. Well there are people I would like to go with but not uni people particularly. I'm okay with them when I feel okay but when I feel anxious it is easier when it is people who understand more.

Hopefully I'll feel calmer in the morning and get out. Then I can come back in th afternoon and do more lab report. Then I only have to focus on revision. (eek).

Friday, 11 May 2012

Nice day (except my brother dating an anorexic)

I actually had a good day. I had a tutorial at 11am which meant I had to get up and tutorial was actually pretty good, I can't say I'm friends with or 'click' with anyone who was there but it was ok. Then afterward I spoke to my tutor and her PhD student about taking part in some research and also my tutor might introduce me with 'a successful woman with ASD' which would be cool :)
Then I did some work. And then I went for a walk BUT I didn't walk for 2 hours :O I did 1.5 hours but it still broke the rule.
Then I had an appointment and it actually went ok, it was no where near as stressful as they have been the last few times. Gave Claire a diagram of how all my problems are linked. Talked a bit about hospital (as in how it was for me to be there not as in a proposal of me going there!). 
After that I came home, chatted to my friend, then went to the mental health group (a uni group) and twas nice, there were only four of us there and we just chatted. 
Came back and spoke to my brother which was nice BUT he is starting to see someone who had anorexia from 10-14... from his description of her she doesn't sound a healthy weight (bearing in mind she has been supposedly better for 10 years) and he was like "yeh but I saw her eat cake" and I'm like ARRRRGHH cos eating cake is the definition of health right?! And he was asking if he could tell her about my problems. I'm fine with that but he has only just accepted that I have a problem and I told him what I was eating at the moment (I was like WELL if you're accepting it now, have the facts) and my weight etc. and he was like 'yeah but I only get worried when you stop being a normal shape' and I was like 'oh god, please don't say things like that to this poor woman'. I did say to him that me having an eating disorder did not make him and expert. Given he doesn't get it, given he made me feel bad three times in our conversation. He doesn't get to just not comment on my body or size. He thinks that if he tells me I'm fine that that isn't upsetting. I told him not to comment on her size, including phrases like 'you're perfect as you are'.
Additionally concerned that he is attracted to someone who is so underweight they have 'no boobs'. Not that I've seen a photo, this is just his description. But biologically you're not meant to be attracted to someone who wouldn't be able to feed your offspring, or perhaps produce offspring. (Please don't hate me...)
But other than that today was good.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

I think I need to ask my head to move out. This just isn't working and it never cleans up.

Such a loser. Just facebook stalked someone who commented yesterday (sorry Beca...)
Erm so woohoo Natasha replied which made me feel like less of a fan-mail writing weirdo. Bearing in mind the only fan-mail I've ever written was to get a signed photo of Cliff Richard for my mentor's retirement... kind of on a par with the first CD I ever bought for myself being Mozart's Requiem Mass.

Anyway, I did think I might get up and have breakfast today but other than a mug of coffee that ahem..didn't happen. The idea of more than 700 calories at the moment seems ncjehfuieghdasnbsa which is ridiculous because you know what kids? Yet again I'm under-achieving. Because 700 calories, plus a stupid walking habit, plus revising, plus living DOESN'T ACTUALLY WORK. I'm not losing weight, I'm not walking as much as I'm 'meant to', I'm not revising as much as I need to be and I have no life. I can point out all the problems with this plan. I mean not even on an energy and psychological level but that I don't eat protein, I eat very few fruit or vegetables and don't get a range of vitamins or minerals. And you know what protein is made of? Amino acids. Why are they useful? Because that is what you're made of. (slightly dodge biology there but the gist is there). 

This isn't even the first time. I under-achieved at GCSE and A-level. I didn't have friends in the way that I would've done. Thin people aren't popular, you're cranky, anxious, your breath probably smells, your hair is crappy and you look shit. Genuinely beautiful people, whatever the ED, look shit. Binging and/or purging and/or restriction makes you look shit. Which is the last thing you want to hear because you hear shit and think fat. Because fat isn't an adjective or even an insult anymore it is an emotion because you can't think of anyway to describe the awkward uncomfortable feeling. 

I know all of this, I know a ridiculous amount about nutrition (at the same time as not being able to comprehend what a healthy person would eat in a day). But no, breakfast didn't seem necessary. Which meant I could only revise for 45 minutes. And now I'm hungry and dizzy and going 'oh but it is 12:05 I can't have breakfast now' (and I actually don't UNDERSTAND the concept of lunch). 


Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Body Gossip

I went to a Body Gossip workshop today, well more of a talk, which suited me. I was terrified I was going to go and be forced into expressing a love of my hips or bum or thighs or just...me. That didn't happen, which meant I didn't cry or lie or put on a mask. 
Natasha from Body Gossip was bloomin' lovely. She was funny and laid back and didn't sound all 'woe is me' when she talked about having had Bulimia. She didn't go on about how ill she had been or sensationalise it or anything. Wonderfully she did not mention weight. (The kind of thing that makes me go 'oh well I'm not THAT ill, I must be fine, I can't get help')
She talked about advertising and how ludicrous it is... she talked about a lot of things to be honest and most of them I can't remember. I was, for the whole time, terrified we were going to do some sort of activity. Additionally the sliding doors weren't central and I had only walked for one hour before the workshop SO CLEARLY THE WORLD WAS GOING TO END. 
However, the one thing that did stick with me was that she had Bulimia for eight years and it really sucked but she got better and is successful and pioneering and funny and seems generally happy and 'together'.
Which made me feel like I could have a life without an eating disorder. I've been diagnosed now for over 5 years. I've been ill for almost 6 and I've had 'disordered eating' in the form of food phobia/ hiding food etc. since I was about 5. From 14-16 I was in hospital more than I was out, I did not have the normal milestones of adolescence. But I do feel like I could move on. 
This isn't me jumping headlong into 'recovery', I am not for instance about to go down to the dining hall and eat a normal meal with my friends. But it does mean I want to. 
I WANT to go out for a meal and not throw it up, I WANT to stop seeing H&M bags as good because they are sturdy enough to throw up in. 
I WANT TO STOP THROWING UP. 
I WANT to see food as food, not another thing to plan and organise and colour-code into smaller and smaller boxes of 'safe', to see it as food and not a number of calories. To feel comfortable eating a normal diet. To see myself how other people see me. I felt huge and uncomfortable when I was 15kg more than I am now, I felt huge and uncomfortable when I was 15kg less than I am now. I still feel huge and uncomfortable.

I don't know how I'm going to go about 'getting better', I don't fit neatly into any of the city mental health services. I am too Aspergic for Eating Disorders, too high-functioning and crazy for Asperger's Service and too high risk for psychotherapy. But I feel like it is possible, somehow. 



I want to feel okay with my body. With me.

Monday, 7 May 2012

5am is not breakfast time!

Woke up even earlier than yesterday today. 5.08am, really, really hungry! I had some porridge eventually and some coffee (which oddly tasted vanilla-y). I don't have to be anywhere until 11am. The plan was to get up at half eight, work until 10.45, see mentor 11-12. Walk. See tutor at 2pm. Then I'd be free for the rest of the day. We have our Hall photo at 6.15pm which I am dreading, partly because I want to be at the exam stress workshop (women's network) by 6.55pm and I'm pretty sure it'll run over. Also, the photo is smart dress and I'm pretty sure this workshop is going to involved something yoga-esque...
My thighs have been aching all night. I literally walked 1.3km yesterday! They should be fine! They are all tense and horrible. 
Possibly told a group at the women's network film that I have mental health problems and have had for 6 years. I didn't say what but yeah...kinda regretting it now. Not because they are the sort of people to treat me any differently but I just feel bad for saying it. 
I think I might be tired enough to dose for a bit again.

But I'm HUN-GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Friggin' hate Hall internet. Facebook will work, and blogger is semi-working though only one tab at a time. I haven't done very much revision at all. I've written out 10 notes cards and I don't think I took any of it it. 
I have been so so so hungry and feeling sick and icky. Which is crazy because I've not done anything and I've eaten more so far today than I would any other day! 
I've got to leave for the women's network film in an hour at the latest. I'm tempted to leave now and walk around the lake for an hour. But I'm worried I won't be able to concentrate on the film or the discussion because I'll be too hungry. 
I'm worried that there will be snacks there. I hope not. Not because I couldn't say no, but because I might suddenly decide I'm totally cool with it and then afterwards have a mega breakdown over Haribo or popcorn or some similar snack-type-thing. I really quite want toffee popcorn and Haribo and wotsits and some form of protein and maltesers. I think that is everything I want. Except I don't want it all at once or I want just a little bit of each just to get a taste and feel less hungry.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I'M SO HUNGRY TODAY. 
I've already had 670 calories and it is only 4.20pm.
I sent Claire a really long email.

Its a Sunday-Monday

I need to start revising. None of it is really that hard. But it is a bank holiday and I've just found out that means our meals are like the weekend and we get brunch and dinner which means only Hall food WHICH MEANS I CAN'T HAVE A SMOOTHIE. I'm contemplating having a jacket potato in the dining hall :O also so I can pick up some sweetners. I've run out bar one. 
I'm watching this with the women's network tonight Killing Us Softly - III
I woke up really early (for me) and now I'm tired.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

*gets up* *dusts self off* ALL THE HIGHLIGHTERS

Going to be really bloody lazy and get the bus into town to meet Shannice. Keep sneezing. 
Just applied to be the secretary of the uni women's network. Probably not going to get it. But anyway. 

Having finally collected my medication I need to actually remember to take it. 

I calculated how much work I need to do before my exams. 

25 hours of Statistics (22nd May)
18 hours of Biological Psychology (28th May)
24 hours of Physiology and Pharmacology (6th June)
9 hours of Developmental Psychology (7th June)
4 hours of German (18th May, 1st June)

80 Hours (oh didn't that add up nicely!) FML. This year doesn't even count, I am literally aiming to pass, this shows how little work I've done throughout the year. My attendance to lectures sucks but I only found the lecture-by-lecture recommended reading for statistics yesterday. Over 6 months since I started the module.

I've been invited to Nandos and a bar tonight. I want to go, to spend time with people. But I don't want to eat, I mean Nandos is okay, you order your own food in the bar. I could get bottomless fat free frozen yoghurt. Or nothing. It just depends how many people go. If it is just me, C and C's friend-from-home then it'd be weird.

Okay, blogger, can you please learn that firstly I am not in Pacific Daylight Time and secondly I use British English spelling.

I've decided that having a non-pattered, loose, t-shirt material dress will solve ALL the fat-feelings. Additonally I need a new watch and the new Marina and the Diamonds album. I was going to pre-order it but having only ever bought myself one CD before (mozart requiem mass), I really wanted to go and buy the ACTUAL CD. I am not by any means without music, I just have parents, esspecially a Dad who happens to buy all the CDs I want. 

Hmm...should I walk to town???

Friday, 4 May 2012

too everything

I'm too tired. I've calmed down a bit since yesterday but there is still ncjdnbjfbdkjbfiwendcn going on in my head. 
I wrote a note to my GP. But I'm so tired. I need to drop it off. I'm not going to statistics because I don't want to have to walk out early. And if he wants to see me or wants one of the other doctors to see me today then they probably aren't going to be that flexible on appointments and me saying "yep I can come at X pm once I've walked for 2 hours" and I'm so tired and I don't want to have to walk 2 hours to be 'allowed' to see someone. 
And It would be a blooming Bank Holiday weekend wouldn't it?! 
I'm so tired. I have to walk 12.5km today, tomorrow and Sunday but I'm too tired. I'm too fat to be tired. 
I want someone to untangle all of this for me.

Thursday, 3 May 2012

I don't have depression so I don't need to be on anti-depressants, so I don't need to see Dr Connor. I don't have an eating disorder, if I were to eat more I'd be over-eating. 
I don't have any problems, I don't need to see Claire. I'm not allowed to reply to her emails or go to any appointments.
I probably don't deserve any exam concessions either and I'm not allowed to renew my DLA.
I have wasted so much of people's time.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

I'm going to b-eat. Just for something to do. My friend knocked on my door and said about having 'a chocolate evening'. I think she means like watching a film and eating chocolate. Funnily enough that isn't my idea of fun. I'm so so tired, I just want to go to bed but it is simpler to say I'm going to my group than 'I don't want to spend time with you'. I mean, she is the friend that knows everything so I'm kinda suprised she suggested it. She did see me eat chocolate on Sunday I don't know.
However I might not be able to go to b-eat that much longer because they just advertised for volunteers in an email to all the psychology undergrads. There are psychology students that do it now but they aren't in my year. I'm not going to see them in lectures or already know them. Eurgh. I might ask about how the process works this evening. I'm leaving in 30 mins. 
Or I could leave now and walk a long route. I don't know. Just exhausted.

Confused

I got a call at haf past twelve saying Claire had had to go to an emergency and probably wouldn't be back in time for my 2pm appointment but that I could see her at 1pm tomorrow. This made me really stressed and sad because 1pm is the start of her lunch hour and just generally given the "she is only seeing you out of guilt" comment essentially meant I wasn't allowed to see her.
Anyway I was doing my walking then and I walked longer given I wasn't seeing Claire. Went to see Dr C at 3.30pm. He said that he didn't say Claire had seen me out of guilt and that I must have misinterpreted him etc. I got upset and confused and everything. We semi sorted things out in that I don't mind seeing him again. He gave me the letters from the Crisis team and hospital on-call psych. They have a tonne of mistakes in them but he knows that and we talked about it so it isn't dire. I'm seeing him in 2 weeks because he is only giving me a 2 week prescription. I suggested I see him in a month but yeh... 
I don't really know what is happening about seeing Claire tomorrow. 
I'm exhausted from the walking and crying and confusion.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Mittwoch

I'm seeing Claire tomorrow, I want to because it is a space, but I don't want to talk about anything. I got my period, which always leads to fat feelings. I am 1.5kg heavier than a month ago, I don't know if that is because of my period or actual weight or what. I don't know if or how much I gain around periods because they are all over the place and stopped for a long time.
After seeing Claire I have 30 minutes until I see Dr C. Everything that has happened has wound me up so much that it is going to be such a struggle to communicate civilly if he asks me any questions. I really hope he just gives me my prescription and leaves it at that. He probably won't though because he'll be able to see I haven't filled my last two because I lost them (because the other doctor wouldn't give me a 4 weeks presciption but instead gave me 3x 2 weeks prescriptions dated so that I could only get them when the previous prescription would have run out) so he'll ask what happened etc. I don't want him to ask about eating, or weight or anything. At the moment I want to just say 'yes everything is fine' because I just don't want to talk to him. I don't want to have to answer questions about a problem I feel too fat to have. 
In the evening there is a b-eat group. I don't know if I'm going to go. All the same feelings.
I also have a 2 hour German class in the morning so all in all I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow.