Saturday, 19 May 2012

And the walls came a'tumblin' down!

Having a bit of a crappy time. Got mega triggered on Wednesday. Haven't eaten since then. Been a total bitch and lied to someone about it which is 100% out of order because she is lovely and just trying to help and I could've just told her. 
Called nightline (uni listening service kinda like Samaritans but for any problem). Put the phone down fully intending to go and make some porridge, went out my door, walked past the kitchen.
I'm now planning on having some mashed potato whilst I watch Casualty which starts in 20 minutes. I keep planning to eat and then I don't. I'm kind of thinking well if I eat tonight I'll have to eat something else tomorrow to concentrate so I could just eat tomorrow. Which is what I thought last night and then I just didn't today.
And I weighed myself and I've lost during the last few days and then I'm like 'well if I just don't eat for another few days I'll be at x weight which will solve ALL the problems' which I know isn't even true.
It is more frustrating knowing that this is all illogical and unhelpful and just silly. At least when I was younger I didn't see the logic, I would just be like 'wow, I've lost, this is good, food is unnecessary'. 
I think food is superfluous and it REALLY isn't but I've been doing this for so long and I'm still alive and not at a very low BMI it just adds to that false belief. 
Like when I take supposedly fatal overdoses and don't even need a drip.

I want to be able to call someone and go and see them and eat something with them and that make it all better. But I can't do that. I don't know if I could even eat with them. It wouldn't make it all better.

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