Friday, 29 June 2012

I cleared out over four bin liners of old clothes from my room today. I'm sort of realising that aged almost 20 the clothes I throw away from age 12, 13 should be far too small but I'm throwing them out because they are far to big. I sort of know that isn't right but at the same time I'm pleased because I never want to be like that again, I felt so uncomfortable and awkward and I know that is common in puberty but I just can't stand the idea of ever being like that again.
Then I went downstairs and my H&M sale parcel had arrived with my age 12-14 cardigan and age 13-14 jeans. I don't know. I feel like because I'm still the same height, 164cm which is what the age 13-14 are that I should still fit in them. Plus they were really cheap and I really quite like them and they don't fall down or dig in.
But I know it isn't really normal. I felt like it was okay up til I was say 16/17 then I realised it was a bit odd but now I think I buy more kids clothes than I used to. Before it was that it was really similar to the adults top/jeans/skirt but cheaper. Now I hate the idea of the kids sizes being too small. 
I didn't throw away the skirt I wore to my friend's 11th birthday party.

But I can now actually see my bedroom floor, well most of it, there is a massive pile in one corner of all my sewing stuff, old school books etc.

Today I ate porridge (130), 3x coffee (60), 2x breadsticks (40), lettuce & cucumber (15), a biscuit (85), rice noodles (162), peas (60), egg (70), prawns (60). =682 and I'll have a hot chocolate (90) later (772)

I feel like that is an okay/ a lot to eat as in I don't feel like that is too little but if someone else was eating that amount I'd be worried about them whether they were 30kg or 100kg. It is so confusing. 

Thursday, 28 June 2012

03:56

I'm awake because my back hurts and my stomach hurts and I don't seem to be able to sleep through the night at the moment, last night it was because of a bad dream but tonight it is just pain. I really really want someone to give me a back rub.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

I have been so tired all day, everything has required so much energy that it just meant I had to lay down again. 
My mum bought me a skirt she saw (because it was reduced to £1) and it is a size 6. She has never bought me a size 6 before, at Easter I bought a really lovely dress from a boutique (it was reduced to £10) but it is too big (size 10) and I asked her to help me take it in, she told me to gain weight. Like she is anti small sizes, anti sweetners, anti diet foods. Which is good I guess. Anyway yes she bought me a size 6 which is kinda good because whenever she gets me anything (which is rare because I'm almost 20) she will usually buy a larger size so I worry that it is because she thinks I am that size or yeh, all those thoughts.
Then this evening we were talking about how me going into hospital really didn't help things and that if my local team could have seen me more regularly than once a week it probably could have all been avoided. Then I opened up a bit more about my eating, like the binging and purging. I mean she knew about some bits but had no idea about others. I mean I didn't go into masses of detail because it isn't a pleasant topic but I said about being worried about the house next year at uni like shopping more and having other people's unhealthy food around and she said she could help me make a list and when they move me in come and buy the basics with me. Which I kind of like, because I can still choose not to eat it, like I chose not to go to meals most of the last year but I feel like it might stop me going completely crazy. Also I'm just happy because by offering to help she is acknowledging it and also she offered something that actually would help.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

I don't know what to write because I don't really know what is going on with me. 
I'm home from university, I got home on Friday, saw grandparents on Sunday. Then on Monday I went to London and saw Lissy and my brother & co. then today I saw Ruby. It was really nice but at the same time all challenging in different ways. 
Seeing Lissy isn't challenging exactly, she has never ever triggered me in fact she makes me braver with trying foods I think. But she is so so tiny, every time I see her I think 'she can't get any smaller, she can't get any smaller'. Her knees, the joint, the joint is so small. I love her, and I love seeing her but I'm so scared for her especially as she is very rarely scared for herself. I really really hope something changes soon, even if it is just the laxative situation improving/ stopping so she isn't jeopardising the future-Lissy's decision to live in health. I don't want her to die and she can't see it but if something doesn't change I really think she would die this year, probably before the winter. (maybethatiseasierforherbutican'tdealwithitandshecandosomuchbetter)

Seeing my brother &co. was difficult because it was drinks and dinner and that is pretty obviously going to be hard.

Seeing Ruby was challenging because as much as she still has her problems I think I trust her judgement more than a lot of other people's in terms of my health? Like maybe I do look thin to other people, I don't know.

As much as I'm so sick of this I still want to lose, I'm still setting targets and dates in my head and I've been doing that for a long time now (about 3 and a half years - notably I didn't when I was first ill (and my most ill)) and for the past year or more I don't think I've 'succeeded' in being Xkg but whatever date but I still do it. 

I want my BMI to be 18.5 when I go to the woods which is not really losing much at all, that has been roughly where I've been since Easter but I got a period (!) so bloated at the mo... then I want to maintain whilst I'm there, I can cope with gaining about 2kg whilst I'm there, then lose that 2kg by end of September. Move into my house, lose 3-4kg...BMI shitsville. Essentially cos I don't think I want to see this psychologist cos I don't have the energy to do MORE talking. I want actual practical stuff with eating :/

Comments of love and hate both equally received.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Summer Ball and exam results

The formal/ ball was ok, I mean it was lovely to see everyone dressed up but the whole thing was just photos photos photos. I don't really get it, I mean sure document the occasion but when the occsaion becomes posing for photos it seems a bit pointless!
The warden's wife told me I was her favorite student in hall and deserved an award for putting up with everyone which was lovely (esspecially as she was 100% sober and therefore meant it!).
Also just before we went out my friends gave me my early birthday present of a smoothie maker!
As requested here is a photo, kinda stopped caring about people recognising this now...if you find it interesting you probably either know me already or have a problem yourself so...oh well basically.
Then today I got my results, overall I have 48% at the moment but I haven't got one module back yet so my tutor and I estimate I'll have 54%. Which is 2:2 which is good for first year and more than the 40% I need to pass. My average for psychology modules is 59% so I'm pretty pleased. It is an ok first year mark (doesn't count to overall degree marks) and I did it despite a load of other crappy stuff going on.

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Summer Ball

Okay, so I next Tuesday I have my Hall Summer Ball...which is a formal dinner followed by dancing etc. in a Marquee. I don't know what to wear. People will be wearing long and short dresses varying in degrees of fanciness so here are my options:

 I look less fat in this one that the light short one.
 It is a summer thing and this is the most summery?


I have no idea what else I'd wear this to and it is colourful


















Opinions will be received gratefully!

Shopping & Showering

These things seem to be two of the hardest things in my life at the moment. Mostly because they should be so easy you don't even think about them. Also finding showering hard is just gross right?
I did however have a shower this morning, partly because in my dream my older brother told me I had greasy hair. In my dream I said to him "you just don't tell people things like that! If you see a fat person you don't tell them they are fat!". This is actually the sort of conversation my brother and I have had in the past. Anyway, I had a shower, recently my hair has been falling out and breaking a lot but today it looks really healthy, it is the same hair so I'm not sure how it looks so different!
So I need to go shopping.

Lettuce
4x yoghurts
2x weightwatchers pasta
2x soya milk
1x green beans
3x hot chocolate

Part of the reason I find it hard is that I feel like I should walk but I don't have the energy. But it is only 1.4 miles (2.3km) so I feel really bad if I get the bus there. I'm okay getting the bus back because the shopping is heavy. But I won't go today if I don't get the bus...which means I only have to walk half a mile-ish.
I'm so lazy.

Tomorrow I have Dr C at 9.20- 9.40am, meeting 10-11, Women's Network library 12-5.
Tuesday I have mentoring then I'm having elevensies in town with two 3rd years before they go off into the graduate world. In the evening I have my end of year formal dinner and ball.
Wednesday I get my exam results :S
Thursday I'm seeing Claire at 4pm and I'll probably spend a lot of the day packing because on Friday I'm going home! The end of 1st year, the end of my block living all together, the end of living in Hall!

Friday, 15 June 2012

So I went an lived in a hut in the woods in Somerset for 4 days. It was lovely, I'm so glad it exists. I stacked wood and fed pigs and played with their kids and dismantled the inside of a Campervan that had previously been an ambulance. I could've chopped wood but I felt like I was going to faint and didn't think that would be a great idea whilst holding an axe. However the feeling as if I was going to faint was purely due to blood pressure (bending down, standing up over and over) rather than blood sugar. I went and I ate. It wasn't perfect, I worried about how much to put on my plate and if I looked greedy or strange but I didn't want to die which was really really lovely. All the time I want to die there is a worry that I might actually do it and really I don't think I want to. Esspecially as I know that if things went really really wrong there is a hut in the woods in Somerset that I could live in and whilst there are options like that (and there are several) then killing myself really isn't necessary. 
I am planning on going back mid-July to mid-August. Which is good but also slightly scary, a month of eating. No days off from food, not even meals off. I don't know if I can do it because I haven't in years and years. Even before I got ill I wouldn't have been able to face going and staying somewhere else because there were so many foods I was just terrified of. But I think it is worth trying, if it means I don't want to die. 

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Food, food, food, blood test, how things have changed

I need to go swimming, I need to leave in the next 40 minutes which may or may not happen because I'm really tired and I think I have another chest infection. 
I'm going to this wood/ commune/ thingy tomorrow 'til Thursday. I'm quite stressed about it but equally don't really want to be at university at the moment. 
Ruby (who has been there) told me how meals generally work and I think I'll be ok, because it is quite flexible and sounds similar to how we eat at home. Breakfast I can have cereal or my porridge that I'm taking, lunch is odds and ends or soup then dinner is quite scary like pasta/ risotto/ something carby but I can't have dairy so I might be having something a bit different anyway. I just really hope they don't do chilli because I really don't like that :/ but even if they did I would just eat the parts I like and I'm an expert at picking food apart. 
Eurgh I wish I wasn't so fucking tired. 
My doctor called me the other day to book a blood test. I dropped a note in after Ruby suggested I might be anaemic. So I have that on the 15th, with my least favorite blood test lady.I was quite suprised that he kind of listened to me? Also I think he might weigh me when he next sees me, I don't know because in the note I mentioned about how my GP at home didn't really know what to do with me because since I was 14 I've always been seen my hospitals/ CAMHS/ consultants and if he could write to her. And generally those hand over letters seem to always include my weight. If he does, that'll be a grand total of 3 times I've been weighed this year at the GPs. I got weighed in hospital and by crisis team. So since September I've been weighed 4 times, except all the times have been since November. Not that my weight has been bad, I haven't had a BMI of 17.5 for almost two years now? I think. So you know, I've been totally recovered for almost 2 years :P hahaha NOT. My ED has changed though, a lot lot less binging and purging. My weight is a lot more stable, well kind of, since September it hasn't changed by more than 7kg and since January it has been in the same 5kg. Maybe it just feels more stable to me because I don't gain or lose uncontrollably. I don't know. Also I don't weigh myself as often. I have more days, lots more days, where I just don't eat. But I think that was bound to happen with moving to university. I actually worry about calories less, but it is more just the idea of 'food'. 
I've cut less in the past few months and haven't been to A&E for 3 months and 3 days just because life has got in the way. Exams, meetings, commitments. Just like I can't be bothered to binge nowadays, I can't be bothered to OD. They are both so tiring.

Saturday, 9 June 2012

So triggered and worn out by a girl in my block. I feel really bad for her that she is having problems but it is really screwing with my eating and stuff. I'm really really tired. I want to eat and eat and eat but I can't be bothered and can't because I feel all :/ because of the girl I live with. 
I went to dinner for the first time in aaages with my friends and just couldn't enjoy it because she just had a burger (no bun) and salad and some ice cream and then sat there looking so down. I just can't deal with it at the moment. I mean it isn't her fault she is triggering me but it is still jdiefhdsfijnjefneanf.

Friday, 8 June 2012

The first day after exams and I'm getting a cold. I'm going to go swimming at 2pm, I don't know how long I'll be able to swim for, I haven't actually been swimming since November I think... which if you read my blog before I started university will be a shocker. All my posts were 'swam x km, walked x hours'. I couldn't do my degree and swim, I feel like this whole time I've just been in an exhausted bubble of grey. 
I know it might not be sensible to start again but I really want to. 
Getting quite nervous about going to this commune-esque/working woodland place next week.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Up, down, round and round.

How I feel about food seems to be morphing, it is always swirling and changing. Yesterday I didn't eat anything. This morning I got up and went to breakfast with my friends. I had branflakes and a mini danish. 
It is the day of my last exam. I'm not as prepared as I should be but I think I'll pass.
I made goal weights again. For awhile I've been sitting at the bottom end of healthy, still feeling big and horrible etc but not as intensely. Now I've realised I have no commitments over the summer, no need to eat in order to concentrate. I can swim and losing weight slowly I can come back to university with a BMI of 16. I know this is silly, I know it is a waste of time and effort. My treatment plan for next term is to see the psychologist, therefore see Claire a lot less and see my GP. Whatever happens with my weight they aren't going to change that. I don't want them to change it. 
I found out yesterday I'm not big enough to give blood, if I weighed what I weigh now but was 5cm (2 inches) taller then I could but at my height I'd have to gain 3(ish)kg (6.6lbs). It is because of blood volume so you have to be a certain volume...

Also I've never shopped at dorothy perkins before and I wondered what anyone else's opinion on their sizing was? I'm in a size 6 (US 2) and it is really baggy but in Miss Selfridge a size 6 isn't at all baggy (except a bit round the chest). It says UK6 EURO34 in the label, in H&M a 34 is a size 8 (US 4) clothes sizes are so confusing! I really like the dress though so I'm keeping it. I also got some black wedge heels which aren't very like me to buy, esspecially as they were £25 but they are really comfy and I can run in them, which is generally my criteria for shoes.


My exam today is Developmental Psychology, after today I won't have 'A not B task' and 'Naughty Teddy' experiments floating round my head. I also won't need to remember that 'some pigs can fly' (sensori-motor, pre-operational, concrete operational, formal operational- Piaget's stages of development).

That's it! Handy everyday knowledge from Eloise..!

Monday, 4 June 2012

Still got two exams to go...worked out I only need 15 marks to pass one of them because I had coursework for that module which I'd forgotten about. 

I think I'm going to have to resit statistics, German and physiology & pharmacology in August though. 

I just want to sleep. I've eaten a lot today, I had lunch, very bizarre. 

Can't keep warm, no energy,hungry all the time :/

I realised I don't have time to OD this term. The only things I can think of to do over the summer are swim and go to London. I'm so boring.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

I kind of proper blog post

Tomorrow I'm going to Starbuck's to revise because I didn't do anything today and that was productive before.
I need to do lectures 3,4,5 and 6 for developmental psych and the whole of Blood for physiology & pharmacology and ideally a good chunk of the GI system too...eeek.
But I'm going to eat. I'm going to have porridge and coffee for breakfast (I bought more today) which is 120ish, then 2 frappacinos (190), fruit yoyo (58). But I'm also thinking about getting a cereal bar (111)/ frozen yoghurt/ bread roll. I don't know. I'm revising 11- 4.30 so I feel like it is ok? 
I'm getting up at 9, getting dressed, having breakfast, getting the bus, going to waitrose, going to sports direct. Then settling down in Starbucks to DO. SOME. WORK. I hope no one is in 'my' seat...

I hadn't weighed myself until the other day for about a week and I thought I'd gained loads and loads but I'd actually stayed the same weight. I was trying not to weigh myself because it does bring me down sometimes but not weighing myself made me really convinced I'd gained loads given I was eating some different foods and walking less. I guess maybe having no routine to weighing myself might be best? Just do it randomly? I don't know, I don't know what is going to happen over the summer. Summer is when I've always gained weight (either through hospital or binging) so I don't know what it is going to be like. I don't binge like I used to at all. I can 'feel really bingey' but I just can't be bothered to do it. I still have occasional times where I eat more than I want to and I don't feel completely controlled but I am not 'out of control' it is more going 'oh fuck it I'm going to eat this' rather than binging when there isn't any thought through your mind except 'foodfoodfoodfoodfood' and the feeling of panic. 
I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. But I'm terrified of it coming back. I do not have boxes of cereal or multi-packs. I have sachets of porridge (1 sachet = 1 serving) sachets of hot chocolate, everything is packaged as individual portions. I might not have that in my house next year though, I might relax on it a bit hopefully. 
German is hopefully out of my life forever. However I'm still exhausted and have 2 big exams next week (Wednesday and Thursday) which I've not done any revision for yet. I just want to sleep all the time and everything aches.
I don't know if it is best to just sleep and hope I'll have more energy tomorrow or push through. I haven't done much all week though and I am still exhausted.