Sunday, 10 June 2012

Food, food, food, blood test, how things have changed

I need to go swimming, I need to leave in the next 40 minutes which may or may not happen because I'm really tired and I think I have another chest infection. 
I'm going to this wood/ commune/ thingy tomorrow 'til Thursday. I'm quite stressed about it but equally don't really want to be at university at the moment. 
Ruby (who has been there) told me how meals generally work and I think I'll be ok, because it is quite flexible and sounds similar to how we eat at home. Breakfast I can have cereal or my porridge that I'm taking, lunch is odds and ends or soup then dinner is quite scary like pasta/ risotto/ something carby but I can't have dairy so I might be having something a bit different anyway. I just really hope they don't do chilli because I really don't like that :/ but even if they did I would just eat the parts I like and I'm an expert at picking food apart. 
Eurgh I wish I wasn't so fucking tired. 
My doctor called me the other day to book a blood test. I dropped a note in after Ruby suggested I might be anaemic. So I have that on the 15th, with my least favorite blood test lady.I was quite suprised that he kind of listened to me? Also I think he might weigh me when he next sees me, I don't know because in the note I mentioned about how my GP at home didn't really know what to do with me because since I was 14 I've always been seen my hospitals/ CAMHS/ consultants and if he could write to her. And generally those hand over letters seem to always include my weight. If he does, that'll be a grand total of 3 times I've been weighed this year at the GPs. I got weighed in hospital and by crisis team. So since September I've been weighed 4 times, except all the times have been since November. Not that my weight has been bad, I haven't had a BMI of 17.5 for almost two years now? I think. So you know, I've been totally recovered for almost 2 years :P hahaha NOT. My ED has changed though, a lot lot less binging and purging. My weight is a lot more stable, well kind of, since September it hasn't changed by more than 7kg and since January it has been in the same 5kg. Maybe it just feels more stable to me because I don't gain or lose uncontrollably. I don't know. Also I don't weigh myself as often. I have more days, lots more days, where I just don't eat. But I think that was bound to happen with moving to university. I actually worry about calories less, but it is more just the idea of 'food'. 
I've cut less in the past few months and haven't been to A&E for 3 months and 3 days just because life has got in the way. Exams, meetings, commitments. Just like I can't be bothered to binge nowadays, I can't be bothered to OD. They are both so tiring.

1 comment:

  1. Hi. Thanks for being here, still, even though I've been crap at doing the same. isn't it lovely how we're magically recovered if we maintain above a 17.5? I am glad, at least, that you're not cutting or bingeing, and that you can't be bothered to OD. But I wish food didn't have to be so frightening. xxx