I don't know what to write because I don't really know what is going on with me.
I'm home from university, I got home on Friday, saw grandparents on Sunday. Then on Monday I went to London and saw Lissy and my brother & co. then today I saw Ruby. It was really nice but at the same time all challenging in different ways.
Seeing Lissy isn't challenging exactly, she has never ever triggered me in fact she makes me braver with trying foods I think. But she is so so tiny, every time I see her I think 'she can't get any smaller, she can't get any smaller'. Her knees, the joint, the joint is so small. I love her, and I love seeing her but I'm so scared for her especially as she is very rarely scared for herself. I really really hope something changes soon, even if it is just the laxative situation improving/ stopping so she isn't jeopardising the future-Lissy's decision to live in health. I don't want her to die and she can't see it but if something doesn't change I really think she would die this year, probably before the winter. (maybethatiseasierforherbutican'tdealwithitandshecandosomuchbetter)
Seeing my brother &co. was difficult because it was drinks and dinner and that is pretty obviously going to be hard.
Seeing Ruby was challenging because as much as she still has her problems I think I trust her judgement more than a lot of other people's in terms of my health? Like maybe I do look thin to other people, I don't know.
As much as I'm so sick of this I still want to lose, I'm still setting targets and dates in my head and I've been doing that for a long time now (about 3 and a half years - notably I didn't when I was first ill (and my most ill)) and for the past year or more I don't think I've 'succeeded' in being Xkg but whatever date but I still do it.