Tuesday, 26 June 2012

I don't know what to write because I don't really know what is going on with me. 
I'm home from university, I got home on Friday, saw grandparents on Sunday. Then on Monday I went to London and saw Lissy and my brother & co. then today I saw Ruby. It was really nice but at the same time all challenging in different ways. 
Seeing Lissy isn't challenging exactly, she has never ever triggered me in fact she makes me braver with trying foods I think. But she is so so tiny, every time I see her I think 'she can't get any smaller, she can't get any smaller'. Her knees, the joint, the joint is so small. I love her, and I love seeing her but I'm so scared for her especially as she is very rarely scared for herself. I really really hope something changes soon, even if it is just the laxative situation improving/ stopping so she isn't jeopardising the future-Lissy's decision to live in health. I don't want her to die and she can't see it but if something doesn't change I really think she would die this year, probably before the winter. (maybethatiseasierforherbutican'tdealwithitandshecandosomuchbetter)

Seeing my brother &co. was difficult because it was drinks and dinner and that is pretty obviously going to be hard.

Seeing Ruby was challenging because as much as she still has her problems I think I trust her judgement more than a lot of other people's in terms of my health? Like maybe I do look thin to other people, I don't know.

As much as I'm so sick of this I still want to lose, I'm still setting targets and dates in my head and I've been doing that for a long time now (about 3 and a half years - notably I didn't when I was first ill (and my most ill)) and for the past year or more I don't think I've 'succeeded' in being Xkg but whatever date but I still do it. 

I want my BMI to be 18.5 when I go to the woods which is not really losing much at all, that has been roughly where I've been since Easter but I got a period (!) so bloated at the mo... then I want to maintain whilst I'm there, I can cope with gaining about 2kg whilst I'm there, then lose that 2kg by end of September. Move into my house, lose 3-4kg...BMI shitsville. Essentially cos I don't think I want to see this psychologist cos I don't have the energy to do MORE talking. I want actual practical stuff with eating :/

Comments of love and hate both equally received.

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. I'm really not going to die though I promise.

    I'm glad you believe Ruby more so than others about that. She is right.

    *Comment of love* Love you xxx

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  2. Love you Freya. Take care xx

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  3. Talking might seem pointless and impractical, but it isn't just about ranting/venting. It allows you to actually think about what you are saying. If all you do is vent and nothing else, then it is pointless. IF you actually try and think about why you feel a certain way, and make changes according to those reasons, then it isn't pointless. Therapy isn't a one way street and it isn't supposed to be easy, you have to be willing to put an effort into it to see results.

    Changing how you eat isn't going to change what's fueling your ED. If that was the case, more people would be recovered by now.

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