Tuesday, 31 July 2012

pretentiously untitled

A lot has happened here, in this little world. At the same time as nothing really changing. I had a week or so of not eating breakfast and throwing up dinner. On Sunday everyone was upset and moody, I walked off into the woods. Cried a lot. We had a meeting, I cried a lot more. And now everything is back to the same way it was. 
I don't know how much I weigh. I really really wanted to know on Saturday afternoon. Now I don't know if I want to know or not. I don't think I'm heavier and I don't think I've lost. I feel fat and horrible and I have the same mantras about that in my head but physically my clothes fit the same way. 
I still want to die quite a lot. I can't picture myself being anywhere except here and eating 'normally' but that wasn't really the aim. 
I told the people here about some of the abuse stuff. Not everything because I really don't know how to slip it all into conversation, I mean how exactly do you do that? But I think it explained, a bit, why I am the way I am sometimes. 

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Still struggling. Skipped breakfast for the second time. Had a roll, houmous and salami at lunch. It is spaghetti bolognaise for dinner. Boiling hot, not at all hungry. Spent most of the day playing with a two year old though so that was pretty chilled :)
We were talking about ambitions last night (serious and silly ones) and I realised I don't think I really have any. I'm very good at convincing myself (and other people) that I care about my degree etc. just like I convinced myself and everyone else that I wanted to do a French degree. But to be honest I really don't care that much. If someone turned around to me and said 'actually you're not going back to university you're staying at the woods' I really don't think I'd mind much. All my ambitions, real desires have been about weight. 
Makes me feel like a massive loser and a bit lost and maybe  bit freer all at the same time...

Apologies if you've written to me and I haven't replied. I haven't actually left the land to go to a postbox.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Okay, so I'm actually quite struggling here. I want to stop eating, I want to cut, I want to cry and scream and exercise. But I don't want to leave.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

I've been here a week now. It is good. I'm really struggling with food, breakfast is fine. Lunch fills me up way past 6pm and it feels like it is full right up under my ribs. Then dinner makes me feel the same. This is sill eating less than the children...
It is fun here though, playing with the kids, doing jobs. I'm going to (with help) dig some steps into a slope and do a handrail etc. at the top of the slope is the ex-ambulance we're turning into a library, kinda my little project :P not that I am doing it on my own.
Mood wise things are a bit up and down, esspecially after meals.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

I'm really glad I'm here. However I'm finding it really hard. I feel like I'm eating all the time. I'm trying to remember I'm with normal, non-ED'd people and therefore the regularity of meals and snacks is normal.
But I feel like crying a lot and curling up in a ball and never eating again.

Thursday, 12 July 2012

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?"”

I'm leaving for the woods tomorrow so this might be my last blog in awhile. My aims whilst I'm there are to relax, be productive, eat regular meals and read.
I'm worried about food and doing woodland work. They are understanding that not everyone can do as much physical stuff and being a 5'4 Iguessquiteslim girl I'm not expected to do anything to hard. However I really don't have much stamina at the moment but hopefully that will improve with a more regular eating pattern and routine. 
I might come back lighter or heavier or the same weight, I'm trying not to think about it. It isn't like I can't lose weight when I get home if I feel I 'need to' but this month should not be about that.

A lot of people I know are starting treatment in the next few months (some in the next few days!) and I've said it to you all individually if you've told me about it but I'm so pleased all of you are doing it. I know basing recovery on others' recovery is not good but it has made me realise this has been going on too long, that age 20 is really too old for children's clothes, that there are a lot of things I'm missing out of and that I'm spending what should be the prime of my life exhausted and depressed.
I'm starting to see the dietitian and psychologist in September and it isn't going to suddenly fix things but for the first time I actually want the eating to be better. I don't want to gain weight but it would be nice not to constantly want/ have to lose weight. I think I'd like to intentionally maintain my weight? Even if it isn't my natural weight for now, to eat and be normal for a bit. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel torn in two. I'm just out of energy. I feel so guilty for going away and pretty much not be in contact with people. Equally I feel arrogant for thinking I make a difference. 
I feel so disgusting today. I found a load of stuff in a box by my bed. Diaries from the beginning of 2012, medication, papers. Stuff I didn't really want to look at today to be honest. 

I can't find my iPod cable...I really need it! I need to put more stuff on my iPod and charge it whilst I'm away...no idea where it is.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

I want to eat EVERYTHING!

Argh, I don't feel as bad about earlier because 1) like Lissy said it was due to a clear trigger 2) it really wasn't a massive amount.

HOWEVER now I want to eat everything. I think it might be because I go away for a month on Friday I won't be able to binge, I won't be able to skip meals. It isn't exactly 'treatment' but it provides a structure whilst understanding some things are going to be a struggle. But I'm so scared.

Whilst I'm there I'll have:
cereal (153) 200ml soya (80) coffee (5) = 238
cereal bar (113) coffee (5) 50ml soya (20) = 138
Lunch (soup or bread with hummus, salad etc) = 300
coffee (5) 50ml soya (20) = 25
Dinner = 500

TOTAL- 1201

Which is bloody terrifying even though I'm aware I've had loads today and stuff, to plan it, have it in meals is utterly terrifying. Especially that I might get hungry even eating that. I would feel awful if I was eating that much and still getting hungry (even though I know it isn't a normal amount especially given I will be doing a fair amount of physical work). 

I'm pretty scared about the whole thing. I think it will be good but I feel so massive today I'm terrified of gaining.  I really don't want to come back 55kg or something but if I gain 1kg+ a week I will. That would be awful. My BMI would be 20.4 which I know is perfectly healthy but I can't stand the idea. Most of the girls I'm friends with at uni are perfectly healthy and have BMIs of 21-23 and I think they look lovely, it isn't that I think it is too big for them to be. Just too big for me to be. 

According to several websites I should actually lose between 2.8kg and 3.5kg (but my metabolism is shit so I won't).

Back to Black

My parents went out today so the predictable happened. It wasn't an out of control binge like it used to be but did include usual binge foods and stuff I'm allergic to so it wasn't exactly 'in control' either.

Ice cream
Olive bread with oil and vinegar to dip
Pain au chocolat

Took laxatives for the first time in a long long time because I found them whilst packing. They aren't the chemical kind I used to take but still, I'm a fucking twat bag.

Weighed out cereal for going away. 40g/ day (153cals) it is only 19 days worth though and I'm there for 31 breakfasts. I've also got 12 cereal bars. It isn't a big deal I mean you don't need to bring your own foods with you and you can put stuff down on the shopping list but I just wanted to have some things. I don't really know how to pack the cereal without turning it to dust though...need to work that one out.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

My doctor called, a little later than planned but he did call. It was mainly ok. Talked a bit about how I've always been scared of food and about stopping eating orange foods when I was younger etc.
I don't know what I am going to be like tomorrow, next week, next month, next year so I'm going to try and not think about it too much. I can plan to restrict and eat, I can plan to eat and restrict it isn't really plan-able. 
I don't think I'm going to book another appointment with him this summer though. I don't really see the point. 

Monday, 9 July 2012

Up? Down? Stable?

For the first time I am actually considering 'getting better'. But it is so confusing and making my head feel all mucked up. Over the weekend I had moments where I was genuinely excited to think about a future where I can go out with friends and eat and it just be chilled out and cool. I have never been able to do that. As a child I didn't just dislike foods I was scared of touching them, trying them, I still find it incredibly difficult to be around people eating certain foods. Then as a teenager I've had an eating disorder. To go out to eat and a) like foods (my ED has actually expanded my tastes) b) choose something because I want it not because of calories or how easy it will be to purge. 
Not be dizzy, eat when I'm hungry, not deteste my body. 

However this all makes me feel very scared and very fat. For years when I feel like this I have planned weightloss, planned restriction, gone on websites, exercised. It is all so confusing.

Last week I joined a 'pro ana' site because I'm freaking out about this whole idea of wanting to get better, of getting better.

Tomorrow my doctor is calling for an appointment, just on the phone because I'm 200 miles away from university. On Friday he said he was going to refer me to a dietician so I know food and weight is going to come up in the coversation. Which is stressing me out. I also want to be 4-6kg lighter when I see the dietician in September...which doesn't really fit with getting better and doesn't fit with not losing weight in Somerset. Which in all honesty means I won't lose the weight but dsuindjsanjrnjekrja. I really can't get my head around the idea of 'getting better' and not needing to gain weight. 

This is just screwing with my head so much and I haven't cut but it is making me think about it a lot and argh.

Friday, 6 July 2012

I spoke to my doctor briefly on the phone today. We're having a proper talk on Tuesday but he said he is going to refer me to a dietician, I'd mentioned it in my letter because my mum brought it up. I was kind of suprised because he'd never mentioned it before and then today he was like 'yep I can do that so you can start in September'. Also he emailed the psychologist I'm going to see to say I'm actually free to see her from early September not early October. I do want to lose weight but setting goals and stuff (as in dates to be a certain weight) doesn't help me lose weight or live life. I am feeling a lot more favourable about 'getting better' and what that means than I ever have done though. The eating is one thing I've never wanted to change. When I had OCD really badly I wanted things to be better, it was tiring and painful and no fun. I was scared of not doing the rituals but it was easier to be convinced that tapping or spinning x number of times wasn't going to change anything. Eating differently is without a doubt going to change things. I understand that the extent to which I think I will physically change is probably not realistic but things will change. Basically- I've never actually tried to change my eating. 
Today I had just over 900 though and didn't do any exercise except a bit of walking. 
I met my old college mentor in the city for a cup of tea. It was A LOT easier than I expected it to be. Also when I was walking around town afterwards I didn't feel at all as awkward about how I was dressed/ how I looked/ how fat I was. Which is SO unusual for me when I'm out.
However the past few days I've had urges to cut, which is strange because I haven't for awhile. Equally yesterday evening I doubled my calorie intake at 10.30pm with 710 calories within five minutes. I haven't done that for awhile either.

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Actually did stuff today. I've written the main chunk of my essay and I went to an aquasize class with my Mum (jumping around in water for 45minutes to music pretty much). I weighed myself this morning and I'd gained 0.5kg which indeed, pathetically freaked me out. Porridge, coffee, coffee, apple juice, 2x ginger nuts. Dinner is tomato sauce with meatballs and rice noodles (instead of pasta) which will be about 350, maybe less, depends how much I put on my plate. 700. Aquasize burnt 100-120 probably.

Sorry my blog is so crap at the moment. About calories and such.

My doctor got my letter, sent me an NHS text saying my login details and about making a phone appointment for support but I still can't login, which means it is a problem with my password and I don't understand why!!! I am SURE of the password, I don't have caps on, I tried my other passwords just incase. Grrrrrrr. I'm currenly locked out for an hour (from the site) due to too many incorrect attempts.
I can just call them to make an appointment for him to call me but if I do it online I can see all the options for appointments and it is just easier. Some of the receptionists there are really good, well most of them, but the odd one or two can be really bad/ come across as rude.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my old college mentor (she retired when I left) for coffee. However I'm pretty sure this Italian cafe we're going to won't do soya milk so I'll have to get juice or something...or black coffee. Also their coffee is really strong. I haven't been into the city since Easter, I think I'm getting a lift there but I'll be getting the bus back. I used to do it nearly everyday last summer. It is strange though, being there in the summer, especially the side of town with the swimming pool and CAMHS (old clinic) and not swimming or going to an appointment. I quite want to write my old consultant a letter, I want her to write back but I feel awkward putting my address on the letter because it seems a bit presumtious that she would write back and I get why she wouldn't in terms of things being 'appropriate' etc. I guess I should just write one with my address on and just let her decide.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Procrastination Mega-Town #gazillion

So I still have this essay to do having been out-of-it when it was originally due. But I can't concentrate, or rather I can't concentrate on this.
I want to watch rubbish TV and make cards for people and do some sewing and just relax but I need to do this so even if I do those other things I feel guilty and then I do nothing.
Also the wheat intolerance is really bothering me and also the lactose intolerance is worse than it used to be so I really can't have any now. 
On a positive note I've planned my breakfast's for Somerset and I'm going to have 200-250 calories for breakfast :) which I actually feel ok about because I'm going to be doing physical things in the morning. I'm having 40g of Quaker Oaty things (153), 150ml soya (60), coffee with soya (20). I guess I might have something else somedays but it is a lot more than my porridge and coffee comes to. For some reason I feel really positive about it even though I cried over pudding yesterday. My dad asked if I wanted lemon tart with strawberries (190) and I said yes then freaked out, then cried, said I didn't want any, my dad got frustrated that I was getting scared by lemon tart and yeah. 
Ohhh and my friend who has been living in France this year for the 3rd year of her degree was on facebook chat earlier and it was lovely to talk to her. She might come and stay at my house next year. I'll happily go to hers but it would be nice for her to come to mine because I've always gone to her's in Oxford before. It is her graduating year though and my 2nd year so both quite important. (My 2nd year determines my pick of final project for 3rd year and to an extent my degree grade and master's opportunities).
I'm seeing people on Sunday in a morphed version of what was once a PT meet but none of us use the site anymore, it is only going to be a brief meet up though because quite a few people have to leave after 2ish hours but it is long enough to go to starbucks and have a catch up.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Too scared to try

I'm quite confused about what I want at the moment. I emailed Claire last week but she hasn't replied and I sent a letter to Dr C today. 
I guess I've always had it in my head that 'better' means being slim, high achieving, involved with the student's union, exercising sensibly, getting an internship, doing creative things. Basically being perfect...and I've realised that actually if I get 'better' my natural weight is a BMI of 21.5 to 22, I will have to wear adults clothes, I will be mainly size 10 clothes, maybe some size 8 things but never size 6 or 4. I can't fit that into how I want to be. Which is so vain and frustrating and ridiculous. I'd gain 7kg (15lbs) I think. I don't know. I just can't. I want to eat normally and have a BMI of 19, maybe maybe 20. But I think naturally I'm bigger than that because I am naturally quite muscular, smaller boobs but muscular legs, pear shaped etc. I mean I'm not sure because I'm going by my much younger body and maybe my boobs would have grown if I'd not started starving myself aged 14, I'd almost definitely be taller. 
I want to think I am stronger, more confident, more intelligent than to be hemmed in my dress sizes and weight and diet. But I'm not. 
I don't mean that I would have to be on a weight gain plan to get to my natural weight by the way. It is the weight I think I would reach if I ate roughly 1700 calories a day (my BMR x 1.2). I might be wrong, I don't know. I'm too scared to try.