I spoke to my doctor briefly on the phone today. We're having a proper talk on Tuesday but he said he is going to refer me to a dietician, I'd mentioned it in my letter because my mum brought it up. I was kind of suprised because he'd never mentioned it before and then today he was like 'yep I can do that so you can start in September'. Also he emailed the psychologist I'm going to see to say I'm actually free to see her from early September not early October. I do want to lose weight but setting goals and stuff (as in dates to be a certain weight) doesn't help me lose weight or live life. I am feeling a lot more favourable about 'getting better' and what that means than I ever have done though. The eating is one thing I've never wanted to change. When I had OCD really badly I wanted things to be better, it was tiring and painful and no fun. I was scared of not doing the rituals but it was easier to be convinced that tapping or spinning x number of times wasn't going to change anything. Eating differently is without a doubt going to change things. I understand that the extent to which I think I will physically change is probably not realistic but things will change. Basically- I've never actually tried to change my eating.
Today I had just over 900 though and didn't do any exercise except a bit of walking.I met my old college mentor in the city for a cup of tea. It was A LOT easier than I expected it to be. Also when I was walking around town afterwards I didn't feel at all as awkward about how I was dressed/ how I looked/ how fat I was. Which is SO unusual for me when I'm out.
However the past few days I've had urges to cut, which is strange because I haven't for awhile. Equally yesterday evening I doubled my calorie intake at 10.30pm with 710 calories within five minutes. I haven't done that for awhile either.