Wednesday, 11 July 2012

I want to eat EVERYTHING!

Argh, I don't feel as bad about earlier because 1) like Lissy said it was due to a clear trigger 2) it really wasn't a massive amount.

HOWEVER now I want to eat everything. I think it might be because I go away for a month on Friday I won't be able to binge, I won't be able to skip meals. It isn't exactly 'treatment' but it provides a structure whilst understanding some things are going to be a struggle. But I'm so scared.

Whilst I'm there I'll have:
cereal (153) 200ml soya (80) coffee (5) = 238
cereal bar (113) coffee (5) 50ml soya (20) = 138
Lunch (soup or bread with hummus, salad etc) = 300
coffee (5) 50ml soya (20) = 25
Dinner = 500

TOTAL- 1201

Which is bloody terrifying even though I'm aware I've had loads today and stuff, to plan it, have it in meals is utterly terrifying. Especially that I might get hungry even eating that. I would feel awful if I was eating that much and still getting hungry (even though I know it isn't a normal amount especially given I will be doing a fair amount of physical work). 

I'm pretty scared about the whole thing. I think it will be good but I feel so massive today I'm terrified of gaining.  I really don't want to come back 55kg or something but if I gain 1kg+ a week I will. That would be awful. My BMI would be 20.4 which I know is perfectly healthy but I can't stand the idea. Most of the girls I'm friends with at uni are perfectly healthy and have BMIs of 21-23 and I think they look lovely, it isn't that I think it is too big for them to be. Just too big for me to be. 

According to several websites I should actually lose between 2.8kg and 3.5kg (but my metabolism is shit so I won't).

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