Tuesday, 31 July 2012

pretentiously untitled

A lot has happened here, in this little world. At the same time as nothing really changing. I had a week or so of not eating breakfast and throwing up dinner. On Sunday everyone was upset and moody, I walked off into the woods. Cried a lot. We had a meeting, I cried a lot more. And now everything is back to the same way it was. 
I don't know how much I weigh. I really really wanted to know on Saturday afternoon. Now I don't know if I want to know or not. I don't think I'm heavier and I don't think I've lost. I feel fat and horrible and I have the same mantras about that in my head but physically my clothes fit the same way. 
I still want to die quite a lot. I can't picture myself being anywhere except here and eating 'normally' but that wasn't really the aim. 
I told the people here about some of the abuse stuff. Not everything because I really don't know how to slip it all into conversation, I mean how exactly do you do that? But I think it explained, a bit, why I am the way I am sometimes. 

1 comment:

  1. hey girl. i know how you feel. its hard to look to far into the future when the present is such a jumble... i have started making plans which is helping. like non-health.weight.looks related plans. i think that is helping! stay strong and dont lose focus.