Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Too scared to try

I'm quite confused about what I want at the moment. I emailed Claire last week but she hasn't replied and I sent a letter to Dr C today. 
I guess I've always had it in my head that 'better' means being slim, high achieving, involved with the student's union, exercising sensibly, getting an internship, doing creative things. Basically being perfect...and I've realised that actually if I get 'better' my natural weight is a BMI of 21.5 to 22, I will have to wear adults clothes, I will be mainly size 10 clothes, maybe some size 8 things but never size 6 or 4. I can't fit that into how I want to be. Which is so vain and frustrating and ridiculous. I'd gain 7kg (15lbs) I think. I don't know. I just can't. I want to eat normally and have a BMI of 19, maybe maybe 20. But I think naturally I'm bigger than that because I am naturally quite muscular, smaller boobs but muscular legs, pear shaped etc. I mean I'm not sure because I'm going by my much younger body and maybe my boobs would have grown if I'd not started starving myself aged 14, I'd almost definitely be taller. 
I want to think I am stronger, more confident, more intelligent than to be hemmed in my dress sizes and weight and diet. But I'm not. 
I don't mean that I would have to be on a weight gain plan to get to my natural weight by the way. It is the weight I think I would reach if I ate roughly 1700 calories a day (my BMR x 1.2). I might be wrong, I don't know. I'm too scared to try.

1 comment:

  1. You are stronger than you think, maybe you'll suprise yourself. (your boobs might even grow, mine did when I put weight on last year)

    My natural size appears to be 10/12 but I just cut the labels out of the 12s and pretend they're tens ^^