For the first time I am actually considering 'getting better'. But it is so confusing and making my head feel all mucked up. Over the weekend I had moments where I was genuinely excited to think about a future where I can go out with friends and eat and it just be chilled out and cool. I have never been able to do that. As a child I didn't just dislike foods I was scared of touching them, trying them, I still find it incredibly difficult to be around people eating certain foods. Then as a teenager I've had an eating disorder. To go out to eat and a) like foods (my ED has actually expanded my tastes) b) choose something because I want it not because of calories or how easy it will be to purge.
Not be dizzy, eat when I'm hungry, not deteste my body.
However this all makes me feel very scared and very fat. For years when I feel like this I have planned weightloss, planned restriction, gone on websites, exercised. It is all so confusing.
Last week I joined a 'pro ana' site because I'm freaking out about this whole idea of wanting to get better, of getting better.
Tomorrow my doctor is calling for an appointment, just on the phone because I'm 200 miles away from university. On Friday he said he was going to refer me to a dietician so I know food and weight is going to come up in the coversation. Which is stressing me out. I also want to be 4-6kg lighter when I see the dietician in September...which doesn't really fit with getting better and doesn't fit with not losing weight in Somerset. Which in all honesty means I won't lose the weight but dsuindjsanjrnjekrja. I really can't get my head around the idea of 'getting better' and not needing to gain weight.
This is just screwing with my head so much and I haven't cut but it is making me think about it a lot and argh.