Thursday, 30 August 2012

Haven't been blogging all that much. I guess because I'm so confused and unsure that it is hard to articulate anything. 
I got a letter from my doctor this morning saying the Dietitians had got back to him and they couldn't see people with EDs because of the pressures on their service but that if I want to see the mental health dietitians who work for the ED team then we can sort that out when I get back. I've written a letter to him saying yes I do want to see someone. Things were meant to be sorted out for when I got back, that was the whole idea. Also it was October last year that I was referred to the ED team and I ended up not seeing them. I just feel like I'm on repeat. Seeing ED is going to be a massive trigger to lose weight. 
Today was also my Grandad's funeral. I don't really know what to say about it. It was nice to see family that I don't normally see...because we only see each other at weddings, funerals and things akin to christenings. It was very tiring though, just being there.
I've been trying to eat more and eat more regularly but I'm still eating about two-thirds of what is 'normal'. I don't know where to add more because portions are so confusing. Eating takes up so much time. I'm worried it'll fall apart back at university.

Sunday, 26 August 2012

back and forth

I went to the supermarket with my Dad and bought wheat free bread, wheat free biscuits, soya dessert (kinda like custard) and smoothie ice lollies. Coincidentally all these foods are low calorie. This wasn't the aim.
I got upset earlier because since I've been home my mum has been at my Grandma's every day and every other night and then she is home this weekend but only because her friend has come to stay. I don't want to be an added stress on her I am after all an adult. I don't like the disruption to routine, that we don't have foods I can eat in the house, that the foods we usually would have for dinner aren't being cooked. My mum was really good though and I'm going to give her my 'safe foods' list (I told her I'd got up to 23 things) and she is going to try and think up some things for meals and also try and make sure they get bought. I would also really like to spend some non-stressful time with her before I go back to Somerset like go to the cinema or something. 
I've been invited to this thing which is potentially massively triggering (and I'm already considering the benefits of losing) I don't know whether to go or not, though I really want to see some of the people there.

In need of direction

I feel lost in the chasm between moving forward (eating, living) and starving. I spend my days hopping between trying to eat 'enough' and wanting to starve. Added to the fact I don't really know how to eat 'enough' it is very confusing. On Friday I had lunch but lunch was an apple and a mini veg sausage roll (the type that are an inch square). Then wondered why I felt ill and sick and dizzy on the train. 
Right now I'm confused why I'm hungry when I've had approaching 800 calories. I need to have a snack but I'm worried someone will comment on me eating. Plus the fact that I'm allergic to most of the food in my parents' house. 
It is like I've actually become better at restriction whilst trying to eat more. I mean I am eating more, it is 5pm and I've had 800 calories this would have been a 'fail day' up until 6 weeks ago. 
Websites say I need 1793 calories per day and I think I actually might need a little more than that (ah) but even saying that, that I "need" it is so ijiewfinwfienwijfnfjkdnsackjdfnkjdwfn.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

I don't know what I'm doing, which is confusing. For 6 years it has been 'have to lose weight, have to lose weight, have to lose weight' and any gain was under duress/ failure. 
At the moment some days I'm all restrictive and walk too far and do silly things. Then others I am waaay less disordered. Even on restrictive days I'm eating more than I used to, on restrictive days I often end up eating what I thought (until quite recently) was a healthy, normal, 'recovered' amount. 
It is quite confusing.
Dr C phoned today. He knows I'm doing better with food which is good because I wouldn't want him to not know and then come back after 3 months and be all 'oh yeah, I eat now'. But I feel like he is being overly optimistic because he thinks I will be fine with shopping because my friends will be going to the supermarket so I will just tag along with them because that is normal. 
My friends went to three meals a day in halls all of last year and got takeaways a few times a week, I didn't tag along then because it was 'normal'. 
I made a list yesterday of foods I feel okay to have in my cupboards/section of the fridge and freezer in my uni house and it IS longer than the end of last term however of 23 things 10 of those are veg and 6 of the remaining items are :/ items i.e. I feel pathetic and I want to push myself but the idea of chicken, mince, wheat-free pasta, rice, spelt bread and fruit sorbet is quite scary. I have been eating all those things at The Woods though.
It is better than my previous list which was jacket potatoes, porridge, green beans, lettuce and fat free yoghurt

Monday, 20 August 2012

Saturday, 18 August 2012

I sort of restricted today. Only this evening really. 1140. Feeling hungry is making me want to run, to lay in bed and exercise deep into the night. 
I am doing a few of my OCD rituals and it is ridiculous because I had therapy for that which actually helped, it actually transformed my ability to function (bar food and exercise rituals I've been OCD free for over 4 years) and now I'm like 'What the hell, I'm slightly less disordered now *freak out* yes, yes tapping things will make things better, calmer, smoother, still ill'.
I want to be able to say that I don't want to feel because it is too much to discuss the things that happened. But it isn't that, it is too much to feel ANYTHING. I want to dampen down my feelings because it is just too scary.

Utter confusion

So my clothes still fit and the other day I ate almost 2000 calories in a non-binge pretty much normal way without throwing up or over-exercising. 
Today I weighed myself (and I'm on my period so I don't really know what to think). My BMI is 20, healthy healthy healthy. And yes I'm on my period and it has lasted more than 36 hours and I'm not exhausted. 
But I want to be thin and I can't get it into my head that perhaps I am still slim, I still can wear children's clothes and size 6 or size 8 (US 2-4) still be an XS or S. But eating, regardless of my physical measurements seems to make me believe I'm obese. I know on my period in hot humid weather I'm going to be retaining water but the idea that my BMI is 20 is SCARY, the idea that maybe I need to stop trying to lose weight. Cos frankly the difference between starving and eating seems only to be the smallest about of weight and a huge amount of energy. 
I can't imagine my life not trying to lose weight. 
I am far less obsessed with food which makes me realise I must have been pretty starved even if my body wasn't at it's lowest weight. I can go hours and hours without thinking about food except the nagging thought that I should eat some. But it is a different nag to being obsessed, working out what is the minimal amount to have to get through whatever it is I have to do. 
I think I sort of prefer feeling numb. I don't know. Every winter for the past 6 years I have felt dead, frozen. Every summer I crave that and I'm craving that now and I can't imagine it any other way. It has only been 5 weeks of eating and it hasn't been perfect and in lots of ways that is reassuring because it means I am/was actually ill. But I don't know what there is without this?
Maybe I won't have depression anymore if I keep eating. I can't imagine my life never self harming or overdosing again. 
It is most likely a coincidence with my age and therefore brain development but I have stopped tic'ing, I think (hope) I have grown out of my Tourette's Syndrome (most people grow out of it between 15 and 21). 
I still want to be thinner, but equally I know my view of myself is distorted? That I probably can't do another year of university like the last one. 
But I still want to be so very very thin, cold, numb, unfeeling, wrapped in my own world. I'm used to that. My brain feels like it is being twisted thinking about this all. 

I KNOW that I could say 'I'll eat for 6 months and see how things go' ultimately I'm not going to lose the ability to starve myself but I'm scared. I really want to fling myself back into starvation.

Move into my house, cut down on food, buy and exercise bike, renew my swimming membership, walk, read, study. Even though that comes hand in hand with feeling utterly awful, overdoses, self harm, lower grades. 

I want to go back to the woods in  two and a half weeks time thinner, I want to go and see them at Christmas obviously underweight. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? People who are helping me and I want to show them that I'm still screwed up still 'need' them I guess. I don't know.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

There are times when you really think eating disorders should take some time off. The various employers of my family are being understanding, telling them to take the time they need, that obviously there is an awful lot to sort out and not to worry. 
Eating disorders don't do 'understanding'. Disorganisation, disintergration of meal times, grief is the perfect excuse not to eat it believes. Sitting about all day? Go for a walk, walks are good for thinking. Look up online exercise videos. 
We all know eating disorders feast on bad feelings, grief, depression, anxiety, trauma. (In honour of my generation) eating disorders are a bit like death eaters...and my patronus charm sucks. Y'know cos you have to think a happy thought to conjure one and I'm not great at that...oh and my Hogwarts letter never arrived.
It feels wrong to throw this all away because the opportunity has arisen. I feel so much so much bigger but even with my period (ahh health) I am the same weight I was a month ago. I have lost some muscle tone but all the same clothes fit, there is no drastic change. 
But I want to nose dive.

Wednesday, 15 August 2012

Unforeseen circumstances

I thought my biggest mind-fuck of the day was going to be that I am in fact almost exactly the same weight as I was a month ago before I went to the woods and started eating regularly. 

Then my Grandad died. 

He just dropped dead from a heart attack whilst doing some gardening, my Grandma ran out to him, her neighbour heard her calling him, my Grandma rang 999 and the neighbour did CPR. He was 84 and in lots of ways I'm glad he died doing what he enjoyed and that he didn't slowly slowly die from an awful illness. But it is a massive shock. My mum and I got there whilst the police and paramedics were still there, then the coroners came, took him away after awhile. There is most likely going to be a post mortem because it was so sudden and he was otherwise very fit and healthy for his age. 
It doesn't really seem real. I went to make teas and coffees and in trying to work out who was having what and who with sugar etc. I was counting him, assuming he'd want a coffee. His slippers were where he'd left them. His watch on a coffee table.

(He is was my mum's stepfather - her Dad died when she was in her twenties) His son came, my aunt was there, my two cousins, my grandparents friends.

I always thought I was quite emotionally void about death, about a lot of things really. I'm not though.

Thursday, 9 August 2012

Talked to the people here, called Dr C. I'm going home for 2 weeks, coming back here on the 4th September for 2ish weeks. Going home, packing and moving to Nottingham...
Talking to Dr C did sort of help. I did have a psychologist appointment for the 5th September but he is pushing that and the nutritional stuff back to October (a week after I move in). 
He is calling me next Wednesday morning (my first day home) and he suggested that not me which kind of made me feel better.
Also I know exactly who is going to be here when I come back in September which is nice. 
I thought my stomach had calmed down with the whole eating thing but then I spent the last few days throwing up (I think because I was worrying about leaving and not knowing what the September plan was). So now I'm back to a screwed up stomach. 
(I'm also really scared I'm going to get my period)

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

I feel ill. I also feel a bit shitty mood wise. Partly because stuff about my past is on the verge of being spoken about (by me) and it is freaking me out. I imagine people's responses and then get annoyed at the person even though it is an imagined response. 
Also I'm leaving here in 6 days. I can come back after being home for 2 weeks (because the people here are going away for 2 weeks)...I was meant to be moving back to uni, starting to see a psychologist and a nutritionist. 
I emailed Claire.
She emailed back basically saying 'erm dunno what is going on I'm going on holiday for 2 weeks I'll speak to Dr C when I get back'.


So the options are kind of come back here (which is by no means the easy option) or stay at home (...) or go back to Nottingham where I have semi-planned an OD and I won't eat.

Monday, 6 August 2012

I don't know where I want to be and the simplest answer seems Nowhere.

I'm 20
I leave 'the woods' in 8 days
I have no idea what is actually happening with my appointments next year. I email to ask Claire, she replied saying she didn't know but would speak to Dr C after her 2 week holiday. This is repeating the pattern of last year, everything is meant to get set up, everything crumbles apart and nothing happens.
When I was just focusing on being here, focusing on eating, focusing on communicating with people, the routine it was difficult, horrible at times but it was just The Now and that was fine. 
I'm thinking about 8 days time and moving into my house in the next month and weightloss and overdoses.

I spend my life dizzy, dizzy with hunger, dizzy with pain after eating, dizzy from getting up, dizzy from sitting down. Cold sweat.