Wednesday, 22 August 2012

I don't know what I'm doing, which is confusing. For 6 years it has been 'have to lose weight, have to lose weight, have to lose weight' and any gain was under duress/ failure. 
At the moment some days I'm all restrictive and walk too far and do silly things. Then others I am waaay less disordered. Even on restrictive days I'm eating more than I used to, on restrictive days I often end up eating what I thought (until quite recently) was a healthy, normal, 'recovered' amount. 
It is quite confusing.
Dr C phoned today. He knows I'm doing better with food which is good because I wouldn't want him to not know and then come back after 3 months and be all 'oh yeah, I eat now'. But I feel like he is being overly optimistic because he thinks I will be fine with shopping because my friends will be going to the supermarket so I will just tag along with them because that is normal. 
My friends went to three meals a day in halls all of last year and got takeaways a few times a week, I didn't tag along then because it was 'normal'. 
I made a list yesterday of foods I feel okay to have in my cupboards/section of the fridge and freezer in my uni house and it IS longer than the end of last term however of 23 things 10 of those are veg and 6 of the remaining items are :/ items i.e. I feel pathetic and I want to push myself but the idea of chicken, mince, wheat-free pasta, rice, spelt bread and fruit sorbet is quite scary. I have been eating all those things at The Woods though.
It is better than my previous list which was jacket potatoes, porridge, green beans, lettuce and fat free yoghurt

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