Saturday, 18 August 2012

Utter confusion

So my clothes still fit and the other day I ate almost 2000 calories in a non-binge pretty much normal way without throwing up or over-exercising. 
Today I weighed myself (and I'm on my period so I don't really know what to think). My BMI is 20, healthy healthy healthy. And yes I'm on my period and it has lasted more than 36 hours and I'm not exhausted. 
But I want to be thin and I can't get it into my head that perhaps I am still slim, I still can wear children's clothes and size 6 or size 8 (US 2-4) still be an XS or S. But eating, regardless of my physical measurements seems to make me believe I'm obese. I know on my period in hot humid weather I'm going to be retaining water but the idea that my BMI is 20 is SCARY, the idea that maybe I need to stop trying to lose weight. Cos frankly the difference between starving and eating seems only to be the smallest about of weight and a huge amount of energy. 
I can't imagine my life not trying to lose weight. 
I am far less obsessed with food which makes me realise I must have been pretty starved even if my body wasn't at it's lowest weight. I can go hours and hours without thinking about food except the nagging thought that I should eat some. But it is a different nag to being obsessed, working out what is the minimal amount to have to get through whatever it is I have to do. 
I think I sort of prefer feeling numb. I don't know. Every winter for the past 6 years I have felt dead, frozen. Every summer I crave that and I'm craving that now and I can't imagine it any other way. It has only been 5 weeks of eating and it hasn't been perfect and in lots of ways that is reassuring because it means I am/was actually ill. But I don't know what there is without this?
Maybe I won't have depression anymore if I keep eating. I can't imagine my life never self harming or overdosing again. 
It is most likely a coincidence with my age and therefore brain development but I have stopped tic'ing, I think (hope) I have grown out of my Tourette's Syndrome (most people grow out of it between 15 and 21). 
I still want to be thinner, but equally I know my view of myself is distorted? That I probably can't do another year of university like the last one. 
But I still want to be so very very thin, cold, numb, unfeeling, wrapped in my own world. I'm used to that. My brain feels like it is being twisted thinking about this all. 

I KNOW that I could say 'I'll eat for 6 months and see how things go' ultimately I'm not going to lose the ability to starve myself but I'm scared. I really want to fling myself back into starvation.

Move into my house, cut down on food, buy and exercise bike, renew my swimming membership, walk, read, study. Even though that comes hand in hand with feeling utterly awful, overdoses, self harm, lower grades. 

I want to go back to the woods in  two and a half weeks time thinner, I want to go and see them at Christmas obviously underweight. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? People who are helping me and I want to show them that I'm still screwed up still 'need' them I guess. I don't know.

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