Saturday, 29 September 2012

Challenges

I really want to go back to the woods now. 
At home the only meal it is noticeable if I don't eat is dinner. I've actually been doing well pretty much 3 meals 3 snacks everyday. Then I freak out because what if I can't restrict anymore? Why am I doing this when no one is making me? I've NEVER eaten all my meals unless I've been supervised I mean NEVER as in including pre-eating disorder. 
I get to lunchtime having not eaten and not really having done anything. I feel like I'm going to faint and start dry-retching. Yet I've restricted much more heavily for the past 6 years. 
I mean I do like knowing that I have a metabolism. That I have energy, realising I haven't felt anything in years is scary. It makes me want to quit eating and not deal with anything. I can't deal with these feelings. I do see a future where I'm less bothered about food and my body which I didn't see before. 
When I'm at the woods I can skip breakfast but generally people notice, lunch and dinner happen at the same time everyday, everyone sits at the table. Often my plate is served up for me, there are still lots of struggles (is this too much, is this healthy, should I eat this etc.) but there are just less opportunities to give in to not eating. I don't have to initiate meals. 
I've been doing ok since I've been home (today is day 5) but it is just so hard. If I eat on my own it goes wrong. I baked wheat-free dairy-free bread and biscuits. I weighed it all out. Bread roll 200, biscuit 50. So then I eat a bread roll and that is lunch and it isn't until awhile later that I realise it isn't. Or it is 10:30am and because I'm not surrounded by people eating breakfast at 8:30-9:00 am I realise I actually didn't have breakfast. I don't understand, it took so much focus to NOT eat, so much focus to keep walking in freezing weather, or keep swimming. And now I forget to eat? I couldn't forget about food. I mean I didn't understand lunch or why someone would eat it but I didn't forget about food. 
I feel so confused. I am glad I've left university for the year but I'm sad that all my treatment was set up there and now I'm going to have to wait months to get it set up in Somerset and then there are all the fears about not being accepted etc. I can't keep dealing with eating if I can't talk things over or deal with the feelings I've numbed. 
I'm really scared, at the same time as feeling more positive about the future. 

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

My life as a non-student

I don't know what to write. I feel so conflicted in myself, that I'm choosing to get better, that I feel positive about the future. That despite that I often still want to die or hurt myself. 
I'm going back to the woods in a month. Between now and then I need to apply for benefits (which are the same amount roughly as my student loan and grant which given I'm not taking that off the taxpayer this year I don't feel too bad about.) It also turns out you need 15 points on this assessment to be deemed unfit for work and I score over 70...
My dad took me to the bank today to shuffle my money around meaning no account is overdrawn. Then we went to the supermarket, when I've been with him before we always walk around separately or he just reads the magazines because I get embarrassed by my obsessive label checking and picking things up to then put them back on the shelf. But we walked round together. I got some cereal, wheat free pasta, hot chocolate, soya dessert and raspberry sorbet. That isn't what I'm living off, my parents shop as well but they were specific things I needed ASAP. Also one of my goals for the year is to be able to do a proper weekly shop on my own. So getting to and from the supermarket by myself too because that is what I'll have to do when I'm back at university.

The Woods want me to have a proper 'Recovery Plan' and we're going to sit down and work out how things are going to work e.g. if I'm not eating properly what they'd do or if I'm really depressed etc. Usually they have recovering addicts there and whilst some of them have had EDs as well they've not had someone with my mix of problems. No one ever has. Because even with the mental health problems then there is still the Asperger's and Tourette's Syndrome. Depression, Eating Disorder (NOS), Asperger's, Tourette's, PTSD. Obviously that all equates to a lot of anxiety and I also at times have problems which are like spacing out and selective mutism. 

Writing that I wonder how I managed to get to university and stay there for a year. When I went to see my tutor she said that if it had been up to her she would have told me to take the year off before the summer. But I am pleased I did the year at uni and I am definitely going back. There were lots of positives like friends and volunteering and I do actually like my degree course. Most of the time I felt more able than dis-abled. In the time before I graduate I just want to have more fun, I don't want to be exhausted from not eating, I want to be exhausted from normal student life. I don't want to be in A&E unless it is for a suspected broken bone or something similar. I want to achieve what I am capable of academically. 

Despite all of this, and I'm starting to realise I really can't do it, I still want to weigh 10kg less. There hasn't been a point in the last 6 years where I haven't wanted to weigh 10kg less. I'm hoping that at some point in the next 6 years I won't want to weigh 10kg less. 

In the next 4 weeks my only plans are vague ones. To go to the cinema with Felicity (probably the end of next week) and go to Oxford (probably around the 12th). I want to finish some craft things I started yonks ago. I should aim to post pictures when they are done, might motivate me a bit!

Friday, 21 September 2012

Taking time out.

After a lot of tears and thinking it would just be easier to kill myself I've decided with my mum and Claire and the doctors here that I'm taking the year off.
My friends have been lovely about it. Which makes me wish I'd been more open sooner. HOWEVER the reason I wasn't open was because I didn't want to give up the ED and everything.
I still want to lose weight, I don't really know what is going to happen from here but I know by not living at uni things aren't going to get as bad. I'm going to go back to the woods.

EDIT: I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't really want to be anywhere. I want to stay here. I want to be dead.

I don't want to be here.

I don't want to be here. Unpacking I just though 'what is the point?'. I don't want to be here. There is so much I need to sort out to even attempt to make it livable. There isn't enough kitchen storage for me to have a cupboard. I can maybe have a freezer draw, possibly a shelf in the fridge. I didn't think my friends would be cooking proper meals together but they are and it stresses me out. 
I sort of tried to say about me and food to them (I mean they've lived with me for a year!?) but I think they thought I just meant allergies. Then they said "Oh well H doesn't like potatoes or cheese!". I don't know how to sort it out. 
Our house is also super noisey. The stairs creak loads. All the doors have fire saftey closures which mean they bang. 

I don't want to be here.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

I'm home today, move into my student house tomorrow. I have so much to organise and pack. I don't know which direction my head is moving in anymore.

Sunday, 16 September 2012

Sunday. I'm leaving on Tuesday. Moving into my student house on Thursday. It all just feels like a massive effort and a waste of time. The only (stupid, illogical, crap) plan I have in my mind at the moment is to lose xkg so I can leave university at the end of the first term and go back in September 2013.
I've been cutting a lot.
I don't want to leave.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

I spent three days feeling awful. Crying and just wanting to die. The people here were really lovely about it. I slept in the house for two nights which was good because every time I'm in my hut I just end up cutting. Which they're also really good about (which makes me feel really bad/strange because usually people just get angry).
I feel a bit better now. I really don't want to leave. I'm just starting to have emotions again which is hard enough here but at university I don't know if I can deal with it. It seems so much simpler to just start starving again.
A few of the people here (who are ex youth workers/ social workers) think I should change GP when I said about how Dr C can be with me. I don't actually have to see a GP until mid-October and then just to get medication. If I'm seeing the psychologist weekly and a nutritionist (I don't know how often) then seeing the GP doesn't really matter.
(Except I don't know if I want to see the nutritionist anymore because it just seems so fucking scary)

Friday, 7 September 2012

Struggling?

There are numerous reasons this summer has been good (if challenging) one is actually having ENERGY, I didn't realise how much of a difference this could make to my mood and outlook. I'm not fainting anymore, I'm rarely dizzy, I found a place I feel comfortable and if everything does OR DOESN'T fall apart I can come back to.
However the last two days have been a real struggle with food and feeling down. Eating more doesn't just mean energy, it means feelings I'm not used to... a libido. Which freaks me out, life feels so much simpler in the grey bubble of starvation.
A week ago I was so set on getting better, maintaining or even gaining weight. Now I feel so scared by it all. There are things I want to do like finish learning to drive which I have to be eating for (fainting and driving are not a good mix). I like having energy and not feeling crap all the time. But I just wish I could switch off the ED, that I could be wholly convinced by 'recovery'...essentially I don't want to fight it. I want it to be fully here or fully gone. I don't like this in between, this in between which will most likely last for years.
I went to bed last night and calculated how long it would take me to lose #kg. I'm not carrying it out, I skipped breakfast this morning, I ate a smaller lunch but I've got a cold and I'm not hungry. Whenever I feel lost or stressed or my routine is disrupted I calculate weight loss or plan out a restricted 'meal plan' etc. It is better than cutting but not ideal.
I wish I didn't constantly change size in my mind, I wish I could just see my size accurately and consistently.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Dietitian update

My doctor phoned today, I should have an ED dietitian appointment within the next few weeks. Which is a big shock. I didn't think they'd accept my re-referral nor be so quick.
I've been doing some silly things online, I feel like I skip from one damaging thing to another. 
I'm going back to the woods for two weeks tomorrow.