Saturday, 29 September 2012

Challenges

I really want to go back to the woods now. 
At home the only meal it is noticeable if I don't eat is dinner. I've actually been doing well pretty much 3 meals 3 snacks everyday. Then I freak out because what if I can't restrict anymore? Why am I doing this when no one is making me? I've NEVER eaten all my meals unless I've been supervised I mean NEVER as in including pre-eating disorder. 
I get to lunchtime having not eaten and not really having done anything. I feel like I'm going to faint and start dry-retching. Yet I've restricted much more heavily for the past 6 years. 
I mean I do like knowing that I have a metabolism. That I have energy, realising I haven't felt anything in years is scary. It makes me want to quit eating and not deal with anything. I can't deal with these feelings. I do see a future where I'm less bothered about food and my body which I didn't see before. 
When I'm at the woods I can skip breakfast but generally people notice, lunch and dinner happen at the same time everyday, everyone sits at the table. Often my plate is served up for me, there are still lots of struggles (is this too much, is this healthy, should I eat this etc.) but there are just less opportunities to give in to not eating. I don't have to initiate meals. 
I've been doing ok since I've been home (today is day 5) but it is just so hard. If I eat on my own it goes wrong. I baked wheat-free dairy-free bread and biscuits. I weighed it all out. Bread roll 200, biscuit 50. So then I eat a bread roll and that is lunch and it isn't until awhile later that I realise it isn't. Or it is 10:30am and because I'm not surrounded by people eating breakfast at 8:30-9:00 am I realise I actually didn't have breakfast. I don't understand, it took so much focus to NOT eat, so much focus to keep walking in freezing weather, or keep swimming. And now I forget to eat? I couldn't forget about food. I mean I didn't understand lunch or why someone would eat it but I didn't forget about food. 
I feel so confused. I am glad I've left university for the year but I'm sad that all my treatment was set up there and now I'm going to have to wait months to get it set up in Somerset and then there are all the fears about not being accepted etc. I can't keep dealing with eating if I can't talk things over or deal with the feelings I've numbed. 
I'm really scared, at the same time as feeling more positive about the future. 

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry I've been gone for a time. I am trying desperately to get to where you are now, with the possibility of a future not driven by food. So this may be cheesy to say, but I guess I'm proud of you. I know you're not out of the woods yet, but I think you will be. Of course, it'll be enormously difficult... but you can handle it. You've dealt with the enormously difficult before.

    xxx

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