I don't know what to write. I feel so conflicted in myself, that I'm choosing to get better, that I feel positive about the future. That despite that I often still want to die or hurt myself.
I'm going back to the woods in a month. Between now and then I need to apply for benefits (which are the same amount roughly as my student loan and grant which given I'm not taking that off the taxpayer this year I don't feel too bad about.) It also turns out you need 15 points on this assessment to be deemed unfit for work and I score over 70...
My dad took me to the bank today to shuffle my money around meaning no account is overdrawn. Then we went to the supermarket, when I've been with him before we always walk around separately or he just reads the magazines because I get embarrassed by my obsessive label checking and picking things up to then put them back on the shelf. But we walked round together. I got some cereal, wheat free pasta, hot chocolate, soya dessert and raspberry sorbet. That isn't what I'm living off, my parents shop as well but they were specific things I needed ASAP. Also one of my goals for the year is to be able to do a proper weekly shop on my own. So getting to and from the supermarket by myself too because that is what I'll have to do when I'm back at university.
The Woods want me to have a proper 'Recovery Plan' and we're going to sit down and work out how things are going to work e.g. if I'm not eating properly what they'd do or if I'm really depressed etc. Usually they have recovering addicts there and whilst some of them have had EDs as well they've not had someone with my mix of problems. No one ever has. Because even with the mental health problems then there is still the Asperger's and Tourette's Syndrome. Depression, Eating Disorder (NOS), Asperger's, Tourette's, PTSD. Obviously that all equates to a lot of anxiety and I also at times have problems which are like spacing out and selective mutism.
Writing that I wonder how I managed to get to university and stay there for a year. When I went to see my tutor she said that if it had been up to her she would have told me to take the year off before the summer. But I am pleased I did the year at uni and I am definitely going back. There were lots of positives like friends and volunteering and I do actually like my degree course. Most of the time I felt more able than dis-abled. In the time before I graduate I just want to have more fun, I don't want to be exhausted from not eating, I want to be exhausted from normal student life. I don't want to be in A&E unless it is for a suspected broken bone or something similar. I want to achieve what I am capable of academically.
Despite all of this, and I'm starting to realise I really can't do it, I still want to weigh 10kg less. There hasn't been a point in the last 6 years where I haven't wanted to weigh 10kg less. I'm hoping that at some point in the next 6 years I won't want to weigh 10kg less.
In the next 4 weeks my only plans are vague ones. To go to the cinema with Felicity (probably the end of next week) and go to Oxford (probably around the 12th). I want to finish some craft things I started yonks ago. I should aim to post pictures when they are done, might motivate me a bit!