There are numerous reasons this summer has been good (if challenging) one is actually having ENERGY, I didn't realise how much of a difference this could make to my mood and outlook. I'm not fainting anymore, I'm rarely dizzy, I found a place I feel comfortable and if everything does OR DOESN'T fall apart I can come back to.
However the last two days have been a real struggle with food and feeling down. Eating more doesn't just mean energy, it means feelings I'm not used to... a libido. Which freaks me out, life feels so much simpler in the grey bubble of starvation.
A week ago I was so set on getting better, maintaining or even gaining weight. Now I feel so scared by it all. There are things I want to do like finish learning to drive which I have to be eating for (fainting and driving are not a good mix). I like having energy and not feeling crap all the time. But I just wish I could switch off the ED, that I could be wholly convinced by 'recovery'...essentially I don't want to fight it. I want it to be fully here or fully gone. I don't like this in between, this in between which will most likely last for years.
I went to bed last night and calculated how long it would take me to lose #kg. I'm not carrying it out, I skipped breakfast this morning, I ate a smaller lunch but I've got a cold and I'm not hungry. Whenever I feel lost or stressed or my routine is disrupted I calculate weight loss or plan out a restricted 'meal plan' etc. It is better than cutting but not ideal.
I wish I didn't constantly change size in my mind, I wish I could just see my size accurately and consistently.