Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Doctor's etc.

'The Woods' (which isn't it's actual name) is in Somerset and doesn't specialise in eating disorder's and isn't a clinic. People just live here whilst they are having crisis' and then you have external therapy etc as required. But it means there are people that cook food and put it on the table at set times of day and expect me to make an effort to eat it. They also sit up with me when I'm crying about wanting to die. Most of the time it is just a 'normal' family home with some extra crazies living there :P
I went to the GP this afternoon, which I was quite scared about (getting weighed etc. in the afternoon, in clothes) anyway she is writing the referral letter and I need to call the surgery to book a dietitian appointment tomorrow. Dun dun dun. Pretty worried. But happy. But scared. Also I hate her scales because they aren't digital and they weighed me more than my super fancy digital ones.
I can't remember if I wrote about fainting in my last post or not but I've been fainting a lot. 
In more exciting news I'm seeing Lily on Saturday :) which is good, not only because I haven't seen her for 6 weeks but also because I'd be home just with one of the volunteers here and I don't really want to be... she pisses me off a lot, largely just because I'm irritable. She is a group therapist and talks like a therapist ALL THE TIME. 

Monday, 29 October 2012

Please read?!

Ok, just an update to people who sometimes read my blog, sometimes don't (which is cool by the way, I'd be genuinely astounded if anyone read every post). I'm living at 'The Woods' to try to recover, I'm probably going to be here until the summer and hopefully be well enough to go back to university next September. Because I'm not allowed to be at university or have a job at the moment. 
However I've lost 2kg since I've been here because I'm freaking out about what all of this means, getting better, having periods, being a woman.
So I'd really appreciate it if no one commented saying 'just skip some meals' 'just exercise a bit more' etc. I'm not expecting people to comment with things they don't think, I mean just write what you think but remember you wouldn't tell someone to skip meals in real life. 

***

Volunteer woman was away for the weekend, I've literally been in the same room as her for 10 minutes. She speaks to everyone like they are 3.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Weight

Ok...don't actually know what to write. I'm freaking out about the size of every part of my body individually so that when I think of my whole body I'm wondering how it fits in the room.
So no, I'm not eating dinner. I feel really really full. 
I was alone. I ate 1.5 spelt rolls with butter, 2 chocolate digestives, 2 normal digestives, raisins and a mouthfull of cake. Firstly I don't know WHY, secondly I'm allergic to the butter and the digestives...thirdly I'm getting weighed tomorrow.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

I feel fat, bad, guilty...

...do all those words mean the same thing to me?
I've had 3 small teaspoons of sugar today. In coffee. Sweet. 
I've had two small slices of cake/cake crumbs.
160 calories of bread. 30 calories of mayonnaise. lettuce. 
I'm using McVities chocolate digestives as laxatives. Well I have done twice this week. #wheatintolerance.

I feel like such a shit person.

It is also freezing here (almost, but not quite literally). I have chilblains on my toes which itch so much I want to cut my toes off.

I made 12 rolls. They have exactly 160 calories each. 

My favourite volunteer here left today, leaving only annoying therapist lady. And obviously the couple that run this place. 

On Monday I have a nurse's appointment at the GP. It is a really small rural practice with only two doctors meaning Dr C (from uni) hasn't been able to get through to either of them to do a handover. I'm cycling there and I'm really looking forward to exercising but I know I'm going to be a fat lump who has to walk up the hills.

On Tuesday I'm seeing a community support woman from the Somerset ED association to see what they could help me with. Luckily I've been offered a lift there because due to the time of the appointment I'd have to leave here at 12.30 for a 2.30pm appointment which is an hour and not get back until 6pm. 

 

Thursday, 25 October 2012

I'm seeing a nurse on Monday, a community person from SWEDA on Tuesday. I went to the supermarket today. It wasn't terrible just felt a little pointless. I don't know. 
I've been restricting, I currently weigh the least I've weighed since August. Which isn't a big loss but not one of my best ideas.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

I feel so uptight when she is around. 
Wednesday's here have their ups and downs. People who live near come for the day 'Volunteer Wednesday' but most of those people have, or used to have their own problems. This means I get stressed by the extra people but get to have lovely chats with people.
I'm meant to be going to the supermarket with child-psychologist-volunteer-woman tomorrow to buy three things. She makes me really stressed. I don't know why. She is really really nice...which is partly why she makes me feel on edge. 
I want to go and dig myself a hole to cocoon in in the woods.

Monday, 22 October 2012

Dans les Bois

I'm back at the woods. The weather is damp and horrible but it feels familiar here and that is nice. Things have changed a bit since I was last here though. A guy went home for a few days and hasn't come back or been in touch, I'm quite worried about him but there is nothing I can do because I only have his email address. 
There is a new volunteer here. She is a psychologist who worked/works with traumatised children. I feel a bit on edge around her. Though I feel on edge most of the time at the moment. I don't know what she knows about me. I wrote a 'recovery plan' at couple-who-run-the-wood's request and emailed it to them a while ago. We need to discuss it at some point. At the moment I feel like those first couple of days in hospital where you don't have a meal or care plan yet.
I went and registered at the doctor's this morning. The form asked for my weight, as they always do, it also asked for my waist measurement which was difficult because I only know what it was last December and I've gained weight since then. I have a 20 minute nurses appointment next Monday. Then I guess I'll have a doctor's appointment the week after when they'll do any referral's they are going to...so looks like if I see ED services it'll mirror last year and my first appointment will be mid-December! Joyous.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

I feel exhausted, but I've been feeling exhausted for weeks. Which means the word exhausted has taken on a new meaning. I do not think I am so utterly tired as I was last year, last winter or spring when I was walking and walking and not eating. But now, now I'm eating and everything aches and I feel like an old woman. 
I'm moving tomorrow. I've got the obvious things ready like my clothes, shoes, toiletries. But I haven't checked that all my paperwork (medical reports, NI card, bank information, driving licence) is in my file. Things get shuffled around. 
I want to request my medical records at some point this year. 
I weighed myself this morning and it made the day harder. I still want to take my scales to Somerset though. 
I realised today how much I've slipped. 

Rice krispies with soya milk
coffee with soya milk

200 cal snack

2 rolls with filling/ 1 roll with filling and a packet of 'proper crisps'

200 cal snack

Normal portion of family dinner

200 cal snack.

It isn't the same everyday but generally lunch shrinks and snacks disappear. Which is just silly because I'm not even getting anything out of it.

I haven't worked out what to do about snacks at the woods. I've never eaten them there, except raisins occasionally. I'm too embarrassed to ask for special things. 

Thursday, 18 October 2012

I feel exhausted and like I just don't have enough time. I went to my Grandma's today, we were out for 6 hours. I've put aside most of my clothes I need to pack but they aren't actually packed. Nor are things like my radio, notebooks, paints or sketchbook. I feel in a panic. I'm having my braces taken off tomorrow at 3pm, then I'm getting the train to London, squeezing in staying at Jenna's and then seeing Felicity and Lily in the morning before I go to a house with my family (as in an old house with audio guides etc.). I want to do all those things and none of them are compulsory but I just feel so tired all the time. When I started eating more I had so much energy, it felt amazing, it was what made me want to really get better. But now I'm tired again, I can't tell if I'm as tired or just that I've got used to having more energy but I want to sleep or lay in bed all the time. I don't know if I need to eat more or not. I lose weight if I'm active so perhaps I do. It is so confusing, this eating lark. 
I think I decided in the car yesterday that I want to request my medical notes, my psychiatric ones anyway. I don't fully understand how because the NHS paid for me to be treated at two private hospitals so it is a bit confusing as to who has the notes and who I have to pay what for photocopying them. I think this is the year that I have the support and space to be upset and angered by them, where I can rant and rave and people will listen. I only have until I'm 25 (the only have to keep them 7 years after your 18th birthday and then 7 years for any new ones) and I could very well not be in a position to read them during the next just-under-five years. Also I believe I don't actually have to pay for the photocopying currently because I'm receiving benefits. I don't even know how they would send all of them... hospital admissions come to about 6 inches, outpatient must be at least that if not more, then GP notes and general hospital notes are probably 2 inches thick. I have over a foot stack of notes...I mean it is more than that when they're in the paper binders but they don't post them like that. Scary.
Ok, the dinner wasn't as bad as expected. It was six mini mini courses a lot of which I didn't like anyway so I didn't eat much but it was just from being fussy not from being screwed in the head.
I'm meant to be packing at the moment because I'm going to my Grandma's in half an hour but I had to write a letter to the student loads company and call Dr C's secretary so currently basking in the wonder that I actually used a phone effectively.
It also means a lot of the terror about being arrested for fraud has died down. I know logically that sending my medical certificate saying I have an eating disorder that means I can't work a day or two late isn't fraud but I still have the vision of one of the crappy 'this shit on benefits is fraudulant LOOK SHE IS FAT SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ED' TV programmes knocking on my door with the police. 
I don't know how people are even meant to manage to claim benefits if  I'm more educated than most of the population and I find it scary and difficult to fill in the forms then how do you do that if you didn't even get GCSE's?!

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

The psychologist I would've started seeing today if I was still at university called me. Dr C hadn't updated her. She was really nice, I really wish I was seeing her. I know I can still see her when I go back but that is in a year. 
My parents have gone out and I'm stressing out about the meal tonight so eating hasn't happened properly. I feel like a lot of things are unravelling because I'm stressed. Urges to cut from watching Holby City (hospital drama) because an addicted nurse got taken to the middle of nowhere by the doctor she used to date so she could go through withdrawal and he could hold her and however much she fought he didn't go. Which is essentially what I want someone to do for me. I want to fight and fight and fight and them still be there. But no one puts up with that.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Empty-Full

I feel a bit lost and empty-full and scared. I don't even know what that means. I feel full because I've eaten, empty because I'm full, lost because I know where I'm going but scared it won't be the answer.

I swam today, not a lot. Just a bit. 

It is my mum's birthday tomorrow and I wasn't meant to be going to the dinner but now there is a spare space (it was meant to just be my brothers and parents but my older brother can't go). I really don't want to go. I want to stay in bed and hide. I don't want to go to a restaurant with my family when I can't meltdown because it is a special occasion and I can't eat half the foods because I'm scared of them and half the foods because I'm allergic to them. I really don't know what to do. Mum will just be frustrated and pissed off if I back out of going. Years of this.

Packing, washing, sorting for the woods.

Scared about food. I don't eat 'enough' for being active but I'm scared to eat more because no one has told me to. I never thought almost 2000 wouldn't be 'enough'. But I don't know that I'm really eating that anyway, I miss a snack or two, lunch shrinks a bit. I'm not keeping track because I get obsessed, I don't keep track and things slip away. I want the weight to slip away because isn't that what we all want? To accidentally lose weight? To not have to work for it? And because I know I'm going to get weighed. When I go to the new doctor I'll get weighed. What if they say I'm fit for work? What if they won't give me another sick note?

The ED charity near the woods offered me an appointment, just need to arrange a time.  Scaredscaredscared. I always worry I'll go in and just spout lies. There are very few things I've lied to professionals about, or withheld. I can safely say I won't go in there and claim to be something I'm not but I constantly worry I'll do that. Like I worry I'll walk out of a shop and have stolen something without realising, the alarm will go off and I won't even remember it. I stole once, just to show to myself that I would know if I did it but the feeling as I walked out the shop was identical to every other time I walk out of a shop.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Long weekend

I've been away since Thursday afternoon. I went to see Marina and the Diamonds. She is a really good performer but I don't know if I'm just not into jumpy up and down gigs or if it was just that I wasn't feeling well but at the moment it isn't something I'm desperate to repeat. It also meant spending time with two lovely but eating disordered people which somewhat skewed my perception of normal for awhile.
Then I went to Oxford where my friend and her friends are sensible size 10's with little stomachs and proper boobs because they eat food and such. Again playing with my perception. 
I'm glad I went but I was mainly very very cold and very very tired so I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn't been as cold or tired. Also my friend doesn't volunteer information the way I do so I don't know how much to ask and feel like I can just be going on an on about my life a tad. 
Now I'm home and exhausted from talking to people and trying not to tic in front of people etc. I have a big big list of things to do this week before moving to the the woods. Unfortunately a lot of it is bureaucratic horribleness that I find really scary.

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Monday, 8 October 2012

My house is SO COLD. 
I'm also lacking rice krispies, raisins, soya dessert, hot chocolate and bread. Which means I'm not eating to plan. Meaning I'm more cold and sleepy. 

Thursday- Marina with Hannah and Rose
Friday- Sunday - In Oxford, Sunday see Maryam?
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday- Mum's birthday
Thursday
Friday- Bottom brace comes off.
Saturday- Going to Strawberry Hill with family
Sunday- Go back to the woods
Monday- register at doctors (hopefully)

Potentially thinking of going to London on Friday after the orthodontist to see Felicity and then meeting the family at Strawberry hill the next day. But it depends how she feels about that. It was SO lovely to see her on Friday and she be actually with it <3 br="br">

Sunday, 7 October 2012

EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee PHEW

I called The Woods. I'm going back in 2 weeks, Sunday 21st October. I could go sooner however on the 19th I'm having my bottom brace taken off (finally) so I need to be at home for that. But SO MUCH RELIEF. It is so nice to have a date and know that on the 22nd I'll hopefully register with the GP meaning my old GP can call them to talk about referrals. There is also an ED charity there which has support workers and does groups. I'm really really scared because once I'm there I sort of have to do this... I mean I know I can always turn around and go back to being a 'I don't want to, can't, recover eating disordered person' but I'm committing to trying for like...11 months pretty much. A good reason to be less scared is that I am doing pretty well even at home, I mean it goes wrong  A LOT but I am motivated so in a supportive environment I should be able to learn the stuff to stop it going as wrong as often. However I have also ear-marked this year for dealing with Being a Woman and basically 'the stuff behind my ED' sorta thing. Because it is impossible to be eating, feeling emotions and not want to kill myself fairly regularly if I don't deal with that stuff. So that is really scary. Also because if I get super suicidal that is the sort of thing that The Woods can't really deal with or at least not without professional advice. But we're going to talk about all of that. 
It is going to be ok.

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Urgh, I went out with my brother last night which was ok, stressful because we ate out but ok. However I got really bloated and it was painful so I slept really badly. Came home and got in just after 1pm. Meaning I'd missed breakfast, snack and then my parents went out so lunch didn't really happen. I had some rice krispies and crisps later on. At about 5.30pm I got really really cold and started not being able to think straight. I didn't know when my parents would be back so I microwaved potato, fish fingers and green beans AKA what I ate all last year at uni. They got in just as the microwave pinged. I ate a few bites and burst into tears because it tastes crap and reminds me of how shit last year was and how I'd just got so hungry and cold I couldn't think and it had gone wrong. So now I'm having dinner with my family when it is cooked but getting really stressed because 'I've already had dinner' and I just hate how horrible today has been with food and my stomach is still bloated and painful from last night.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

mi lyf

I've had repeated reassurances from the woods that I can come back and that we will sort out dates at the end of the week (does that mean Friday or Sunday?).
However tomorrow I'm seeing Felicity and my brother and on Saturday I'm seeing Ruby so hopefully that'll all be nice. I miss Felicity so much. Feel like I''m picking her up from school as I'm collecting her from DP ;) 
Ruby and I are doing arty things so I'll possibly post some photos. 
I did this today...


I went swimming this morning, I haven't been to that pool in a year. I used to swim 3km or more when I went there and would usually spend about 8 hours a week there. I went with my Dad and little brother today so mainly just played around with them. I swam 1km but that is 40 lengths of a standard pool which is pretty average for someone who swims for casual fitness. I think anyway burns about 170 calories.
It was really strange being there, most of the staff are the same, everything is the same. It was just odd. But nice too. It wasn't super triggering, well I do want to go more but I don't feel like I used to. I used to get so stressed if I couldn't go. It was odd getting out of the pool and not feeling like I was going to pass out or be sick.

With eating I seem to do quite well for a couple of days then freak out about doing okay and then go backwards. Start eating again, get painful bloating, and repeat.


Good day:

Rice krispies, soya milk, coffee, squash/OJ
Drink and soya dessert/raisins/biscuits
2 rolls with mayo and lettuce/ 1 roll with mayo and lettuce & a bag of non low cal crisps. Drink
Drink and soya dessert/raisins/biscuits
Whatever my family eat for dinner
Sorbet/ hot chocolate

Worse day:
Less rice krispies, less soya milk, coffee.
Coffee.
1 roll with lettuce and mayo & water
Coffee.
Small portion of family dinner often excluding carbs.

I mean 'worse day' is still a lot more that I used to restrict to. But it just seems so urrghh because after this long do I really need to prove to myself that I can still restrict?! I don't ever do it for very long, only a day or two so I don't sustain weightloss. It has been SO GOOD to find out I can eat the amount my BMR etc. calculations say I should (about 1800-1900) and maintain, that I am not a freak of metabolism that I am not gaining and gaining. It is all so scary, all the feelings. I feel like I'm a slave to hunger when I used to be in control of it. I have so many more feelings and periods and a regular bra size. (Just found this map!) 



Tuesday, 2 October 2012

GAH Kent NHS

Worrying that I won't be able to go back to the woods and I'll be stuck in a county that only treats severe anorexics and bulimics (and by severe bulimic they mean purging / laxatives at least once a day). They don't recognise EDNOS at all for referral. So the only way I'd get help in Kent is if I gave up on getting better anytime soon and instead focused my efforts on completing my 7th year as someone with an eating disorder. 

Obviously not a very good plan. However it is screwed up that in Nottingham I count as having a 'severe and prolonged eating disorder' with a 'complex history and comorbidities' yet in Kent I don't even count as having an eating disorder. I do qualify for referral in Somerset and hopefully I'll know by the end of the week when I'm going back there. Kent IS pretty backwards in all things medical but it is just dujehdfeshfjsahfr. 

I'm ill enough to be signed of sick and apply for benefits anywhere in the country but I'm only ill enough to get better help in certain counties.

Monday, 1 October 2012

I don't know when I'm going back to the woods. They have a new person coming tomorrow who also has an ED (I don't know what issues she has or where she is in terms of it). So they emailed me yesterday saying they'd been meaning to get in touch but had been really busy and that this new person is coming so they don't know how things will be for triggers etc.
I emailed back saying as long as they eat then I'm fine with it, but if they aren't eating then that was like them having an alcoholic who wouldn't stop drinking (in which case they get asked to leave). So I'm hoping either this woman doesn't stay (it will be her trial week this week) or that it is fine and I get a date.
MAJOR issues with not knowing when I'm going is that I'm signed off as unable to work and the certificate for that can only be signed for a month by my Nottingham GP. It expires on the 24th October and is pretty crucial to me getting benefits. Without the benefits I can't afford to go to the woods or do anything :/ but if I don't know when I'm going back I don't know if I need to register with a GP near my parents or not...
Bllllarrghh! On the plus side I'm probably going to the cinema/ shopping with Felicity on Friday, then seeing my brother (dinner eekk..) and then Ruby for arty/ beading fun on Saturday. And then on Thursday I might be seeing Marina and The Diamonds with Hannah if she still has a spare ticket :D then on the Friday heading for a weekend in Oxford with my best friend from school, who despite not seeing her all year (she was studying abroad) and all the stuff we've been through together I can still just tell her what is actually going on with me. Might be able to work through some of this 'WTF is this libido?!' stuff with her....however she isn't overly sharing in that department so I'm not sure.