Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Empty-Full

I feel a bit lost and empty-full and scared. I don't even know what that means. I feel full because I've eaten, empty because I'm full, lost because I know where I'm going but scared it won't be the answer.

I swam today, not a lot. Just a bit. 

It is my mum's birthday tomorrow and I wasn't meant to be going to the dinner but now there is a spare space (it was meant to just be my brothers and parents but my older brother can't go). I really don't want to go. I want to stay in bed and hide. I don't want to go to a restaurant with my family when I can't meltdown because it is a special occasion and I can't eat half the foods because I'm scared of them and half the foods because I'm allergic to them. I really don't know what to do. Mum will just be frustrated and pissed off if I back out of going. Years of this.

Packing, washing, sorting for the woods.

Scared about food. I don't eat 'enough' for being active but I'm scared to eat more because no one has told me to. I never thought almost 2000 wouldn't be 'enough'. But I don't know that I'm really eating that anyway, I miss a snack or two, lunch shrinks a bit. I'm not keeping track because I get obsessed, I don't keep track and things slip away. I want the weight to slip away because isn't that what we all want? To accidentally lose weight? To not have to work for it? And because I know I'm going to get weighed. When I go to the new doctor I'll get weighed. What if they say I'm fit for work? What if they won't give me another sick note?

The ED charity near the woods offered me an appointment, just need to arrange a time.  Scaredscaredscared. I always worry I'll go in and just spout lies. There are very few things I've lied to professionals about, or withheld. I can safely say I won't go in there and claim to be something I'm not but I constantly worry I'll do that. Like I worry I'll walk out of a shop and have stolen something without realising, the alarm will go off and I won't even remember it. I stole once, just to show to myself that I would know if I did it but the feeling as I walked out the shop was identical to every other time I walk out of a shop.

1 comment:

  1. This all sounds sort of familiar, in a weird way. I hope that the lost feeling doesn't remain. It seems that you're on a good path, though. xx

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