Thursday, 4 October 2012

mi lyf

I've had repeated reassurances from the woods that I can come back and that we will sort out dates at the end of the week (does that mean Friday or Sunday?).
However tomorrow I'm seeing Felicity and my brother and on Saturday I'm seeing Ruby so hopefully that'll all be nice. I miss Felicity so much. Feel like I''m picking her up from school as I'm collecting her from DP ;) 
Ruby and I are doing arty things so I'll possibly post some photos. 
I did this today...

I went swimming this morning, I haven't been to that pool in a year. I used to swim 3km or more when I went there and would usually spend about 8 hours a week there. I went with my Dad and little brother today so mainly just played around with them. I swam 1km but that is 40 lengths of a standard pool which is pretty average for someone who swims for casual fitness. I think anyway burns about 170 calories.
It was really strange being there, most of the staff are the same, everything is the same. It was just odd. But nice too. It wasn't super triggering, well I do want to go more but I don't feel like I used to. I used to get so stressed if I couldn't go. It was odd getting out of the pool and not feeling like I was going to pass out or be sick.

With eating I seem to do quite well for a couple of days then freak out about doing okay and then go backwards. Start eating again, get painful bloating, and repeat.

Good day:

Rice krispies, soya milk, coffee, squash/OJ
Drink and soya dessert/raisins/biscuits
2 rolls with mayo and lettuce/ 1 roll with mayo and lettuce & a bag of non low cal crisps. Drink
Drink and soya dessert/raisins/biscuits
Whatever my family eat for dinner
Sorbet/ hot chocolate

Worse day:
Less rice krispies, less soya milk, coffee.
1 roll with lettuce and mayo & water
Small portion of family dinner often excluding carbs.

I mean 'worse day' is still a lot more that I used to restrict to. But it just seems so urrghh because after this long do I really need to prove to myself that I can still restrict?! I don't ever do it for very long, only a day or two so I don't sustain weightloss. It has been SO GOOD to find out I can eat the amount my BMR etc. calculations say I should (about 1800-1900) and maintain, that I am not a freak of metabolism that I am not gaining and gaining. It is all so scary, all the feelings. I feel like I'm a slave to hunger when I used to be in control of it. I have so many more feelings and periods and a regular bra size. (Just found this map!) 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your previous comment; It sounds like we're encountering similar difficulties, though you are admittedly dealing with them much better than I.
    In response to your question, it is difficult for me to find treatment that is covered by my insurance... the American healthcare system leaves much to be desired.
    I'm glad you're seeing Felicity, and I hope that she is well!

    Best of luck in continuing to sort through all of this.