Friday, 30 November 2012

I know, I know, I KNOW I distort things in my head. I just want to think straight. I think I'm going to FREEEEEEZE tomorrow... I'm making Christmas decorations in the woods with some kids (Forest School). 
I gave a long note to F last night but she hasn't said anything about reading it...normally T does. HOWEVER, I think I'll probably end up having a chat with T and/ or F on Monday because I said in the note I didn't want to tell them if I cut anymore...soooo yeh. 
I don't know, I do want to get better I just don't see how it helps. It makes me see that every cut is a cut it doesn't matter if I gash my arm open or do little ones it is still a cut so I am meant to tell them. When I tell them though it doesn't make anything better. 
Also I told F my weight in the note and now I feel super fat.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Appointment update

To be honest it wasn't terrible. was with a mental health social worker and I could tell... in almost 2 hours we didn't get through all the assessment information so I'm probably going to have to go back just to talk more about my history.
She didn't really get the ED stuff... like 'I want to get better, I'm losing right now so I only have a certain amount of time to turn this around before you're like "ermm just gain weight we'll talk later." ' I mean that isnt' exactly what I said. Anyway she had my weight from a month ago and I told her what that was in BMI and she was like 'oh that is more than reasonable, more than enough' and I was like 'Tell me about it this is why I have an ED' but in reality I just started crying and yeh...
She also didn't understand tourette's urgh. So every time I had a big tic (which given I was stressed was a fair amount compared to barely ever on an average day now) she was like 'oh was that a hard question, are you anxious'. DON'T COMMENT ON THE TICS OK. Gah. I had to explain that anxiety made tics worse but that you don't just have them because of anxiety...otherwise I'd just go on an anxiety med and they'd be gone DUH. 
She thinks I'm too unstable to have therapy about my past. Bleh, anyway, I'll hear from 'the team' in 2 weeks either saying what the options are or that I have to have another assessment. 
In 2 weeks it is almost mid December, then with Christmas and New Year January...if I actually end up being referred to STEPS (ED) from The Bridge team (people now, mental health) it'll probably be February before I see anyone. 

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

I got a blog award, tbh blog sucks.

I am so so so stressed about tomorrow. BUT my little brother had an appointment with my old psych today and my mum called and Dr H asked how I was and stuff so I just wrote her a mega long letter. Which was nice. 

I want to watch Holby City but I can't concentrate.
So so so so so so so anxious. 

We almost got through a Tuesday without a crazy conversation about whether we exist or not from A...but then we didn't. 

I actually have to go to this appointment tomorrow. Fuck.

I had the worst night.

Monday, 26 November 2012

I can't think of anything to write that is remotely interesting and isn't a number fest of calories eaten burnt. Weight. 
I have my appointment on Wednesday and I'm getting more and more anxious about it. The service sounded so good on the phone when they called me but...I just don't think they will do what they actually say they can do. Basically they've said it is up to me but they can deal with everything whereas in the past it has either been the ED or the self harm and depression or the communication problems and no one has wanted to go near the abuse stuff. 
Also for the first time I don't feel like I need to prove that I'm ill...well except that I'm scared they'll weigh me and :/ I don't think I will be weighed at this appointment though. I will be at some point but I'd be surprised if it was Wednesday.
The GP almost referred me to Child and Adolescent (she didn't realise my age as I'd actually been entered as 6 weeks old on the system!). My letter went to the adult service and then I just happen to be being seen in the same place as the elderly mental health unit so I've gone from an under 18 service to over 65 :P (I'll be seeing someone for my age group but they are using the outpatient bit next door to the elderly mental health IP). 

Saturday, 24 November 2012

I feel utterly shit for no real reason.

I had a chat with F and T yesterday. They want me to tell them face to face (rather than email/ a note) when I cut. So far I haven't...
Talked a bit about food and weight and how I should really give up my scales. 
Talked about 'opening the can of worms' and expressing emotions rather than just numbing them with cutting or not eating. 
Talked about starting a conversation with the volunteer I find difficult about why I find her difficult etc....not going to happen. 

Then I cried a lot. I can't let everything out because no one can guarantee it'll be ok. Cried some more. F said she liked me just wish I liked myself more and gave me a hug. I cried some more. 

I stood in the kitchen destroying a roll hopping from leg to leg whilst everyone else ate lunch normally. 

Pretended to be ok for awhile. Stayed in bed all afternoon.

My stomach really hurts. I think there might have been wheat on the chicken last night. Or maybe my stomach just hurts. 

Friday, 23 November 2012


I am 300g heavier than yesterday, most likely due to having more digesting food and therefore also more water inside me. 

I haven't had breakfast, I won't snack, and I will only have one roll at lunch. 

We're having casserole for dinner, it is burgers tomorrow...

I need to stop weighing myself. 

My appointment is on Wednesday. I know you'll all be SUPER interested but I'm going to be out for over 6 hours...

9.45- leave house 
10.15- get to bus stop
10.20- get bus
11.15- arrive in the right town
12.00- appointment
13.30- appointment ends
14.13- bus back
15.07- get back to my town, walk to infant school and meet F and the kids, take middle child to gym, get back to the house at 4ish. 

I am glad I've got an appointment (pretty amazed actually) BUT next Wednesday everyone is making Christmas decorations and I have to go and answer 50 billion questions about my 'history' and what I want help with :(

... Need to do laundry and make bread now.


Thursday, 22 November 2012


So I have been eating a little more the last few days but then lost this morning. So I went OK SNACKS! I've had 2 hot chocolates, raisins and 2 squares of chocolate. Plus a pathetically small portion of porridge, a roll with ham, may and lettuce and artichoke risotto and another roll (plain) So no means a 'perfect A* I don't have an ED' day. Then I'm freaking out now about how I'm not going to lose tomorrow...I know it is stupid. I'm below the maintenance BMI I know they use here (as in the OP service not where I live) if I lose weight I'm just going to have to gain more back. 

But I still freak out. 

We had an hour and a half chat this morning because the same person is always late to 9am meeting/ doesn't get up. Volunteer-ex-therapist banged on about boundaries and deeper meanings and stuff-I-don't-get. Pretty much came to no conclusions except 'come to the 9am meeting'. I got really pissed off after it because it mucked with the timetable and was just confusing.

I'm talking to T tomorrow about how things are and also because I didn't understand/ don't understand a lot of communication stuff here (basically I don't understand Volunteer-ex-therapist-flour-using-patronising-woman). I'm worried he'll be annoyed at me/ challenge me on loads of stuff/ change the goal of telling him about self-harm to something even harder... also he is away most of the next week so I don't really know how things are going to work. Eeeeek.

Monday, 19 November 2012

I feel so confused with myself at the moment. I want to stop losing, then I freak out when I maintain two days running. Yesterday I bought size 10 jeans online (US 5) because that is the size I 'should' be. I made an effort to eat more on Saturday and Sunday and then today isn't more but isn't less. 
I'm so exhausted and everything aches and I feel more depressed...because I'm not eating enough. 
I feel so pathetic, idiotic, childish, weak. 
It is 9 days until my appointment, I'm starting to look forward to it, I feel so alone, I just want to talk.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

I figure maintaining for one day is the same whether you're trying to lose or not. I did make an effort to eat more yesterday though and I have maintained. To be honest I'm mostly pleased about it (?!) though part of that is knowing I will keep losing so I don't really have a healthy attitude. Also I have a screwed up stomach at the moment which is retaining water so quite probably my meagre increase has nothing to do with it. 

I do feel a bit more in control though (as in I don't have to keep losing, I can change this).

Lunch is pumpkin risotto followed by chocolate mousse (both dairy free for me). Dinner will be bread with ham and cheese...though we've run out of ham and I can't eat cheese so I'll probably have a roll with jam which isn't exactly a meal. T is going to tesco in a bit though so I'm not sure what he is buying (generally shopping is Monday and Thursday). Usually we'd have a massive omelette on Sunday as well but A (guest) made 2 massive ones when he cooked last night to have alongside jacket potatoes. Obviously he put cheese in both omelettes so I had a JP with mayonnaise... I hate it when he or V (volunteer) cook. They always forget my allergies or expect me to do things like boil my own pasta. When I cook (Tuesdays) even though I find it really stressful I make a big effort to make enough food that everyone likes and no one is allergic to. T and F (especially F) always make sure what they cook is ok for me to eat.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

I spent all of last year restricting, being out of myself with hunger. Fluctuating around the same 5-7kg. Then, I leave university, I'm planning on getting better (I think?) and I'm still in that 5-7kg range but I'm moving down far faster than I did at any point last year excluding extreme dehydration. I'm eating, I'm drinking, I'm not swimming, I'm not going for long walks. 
I don't think I want this anymore. I don't know what it is to not want this though so I keep doing it. 
In the evening, I add up my calories, see I haven't had enough, some nights I go and get some raisins. Last night I was so so hungry but I can't go in the kitchen after 9pm. I thought about eating some biscuits in the Garden Room but a) I'm allergic to them and b) A (another guest) was in there and I didn't want him to see. So I thought 'oh well, I'll just lose a bit more tomorrow'. I do sort of get a buzz when I see a lower number now...but not so much, I more think 'Oh that is interesting' and then another part of me thinks 'This is bad, you're just going to have to gain it back at somepoint'. I didn't bring any small small clothes with me. I have 3 dresses which all fit, probably even if my BMI was 23 they'd still be fine. A skirt that is meant to be high waisted but isn't on me so if I gain it'll just fit how it is supposed to. Stretchy skirts, leggings. My jeans are children's but I've accepted that I need to buy adults ones from now on.
I've realised fitting into certain clothes is quite a big trigger for me. Last night I was thinking about some very very very small jeans I have at home and how they might fit when I go home at Christmas. I'm really glad they aren't here though, otherwise I'd be really aiming for that. I need to throw them away. 

I have no desire to do anything much. I want to lay in the dark and try not to think.

Friday, 16 November 2012

I just feel pretty shit. 
I lost weight, I don't know how to not end up losing another 3kg before my appointment. I want to cut again but I don't want to tell T. I did email him about yesterday's but it is just arrgnfjgnsdhfiwehqgfhergf.
Dinner was annoying. I got my pasta out for the person who was cooking...and then she didn't cook it I had to cook it myself. Ffs if I'm cooking a meal with pasta I don't just cook my wheat free pasta and expect everyone else to cook the wheat pasta. 
Everyday I just end up having less and less and I'm not even planning it that way. Such an idiot.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

I'm meant to tell T when I've cut. 

I can't I can't I can't.

Steps...forward, upward?

I built these steps yesterday (with some rather a lot of help). We cleaved (split) the wood to make the front of the step and axed the stakes into points. Then there was a lot of digging and thwacking the earth flat. 
Excitingly I also ate breakfast (and out of a bowl!) yesterday in order to be able to dig etc. 

This morning I had a chat with T (guy in charge). It was mostly good, truthful. I have difficulty expressing my point of view so I just go quiet and shut everything out. I pretty much haven't changed since I was 14. I can't remember what else but there wasn't really anything I disagreed with however hard it was to talk about. 

However, we talked about food...I said I'm having about half the number of calories I'm meant to. T said it doesn't really matter how many calories I eat if I'm eating... part of me wants to go 'oh okay then', another part of me knows he is wrong and I should be eating more.

Also he wants me to tell him when I cut...I don't know if I can do that. I do get why, they want to know how I'm doing, when I'm cutting and what it is linked to so I can start to rationalise and deal with things differently. But it is just a massive stress, I don't want to tell people. I mean I know I sometimes write it on here. I don't know, that is probably out of order too.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Outpatient appointment

A woman from the mental health team called this afternoon. My referral was sent less than two weeks ago and my appointment is two weeks tomorrow on the proviso I will call them if things get worse before then and I will be seen sooner.
This seems so alien. She was really urging me to call if I even feel like cutting whilst understanding I've used it to cope for years. I find it so bizarre that people think I'm ill. 
I've got to go to a town 13 miles away which it being the countryside takes an hour on the bus plus the 30 minutes to the bus stop. So 1hr 20 minutes of walking and 2 hrs on the bus on Wednesday 28th. I don't really mind. I'm just worried because I don't know which building to go to when I get there. 
I'm meeting with someone called Lucy and then within the week my case is discussed at the multi disciplinary team meeting and they decide from what I've talked about with Lucy what treatment would be best. I haven't been a mental health outpatient for over a year and never in adult services. I mean I saw Crisis team last year but that is just short term. 
It seems so bizarre to be going back to discussing therapy options and care plans, care coordinator, CPN. 

We had the most stressful community meeting today. Well not THE most stressful, they are frequently stressful but it lasted almost two hours! I cried and as ever feel more confused by things than before the meeting. 

OhMyGoodness I can't believe I'm going to actual have a first appointment and it is going to go somewhere and this is so scary. I cry so easily at the moment I'm going to be a mess.

Sunday, 11 November 2012


I am, ever so excitingly sleeping in the house tonight and from now on! Or at least until the spring I hope. Meaning I'm sitting in bed, on my laptop. I'm not cold and I have my own bathroom. 
I was a bit worried about having my own bathroom and the ease of purging however it has a macerater pump and I'm too scared it would get blocked. 
I got really upset last night, well angry, distressed, I don't know. I thought (and people in charge thought) I was moving into this room last night but then the guy who was moving out was still there and yeah I got stressed out. I cut and then more awkwardly T came to update me on the room situation and I was in my hut dripping blood all over the sheets. He talked to me about it a little but not really, I don't know. Today he mentioned how there had been a misunderstanding but didn't mention the cutting. 
I am doing ok here, I mean I'm still alive and no A&E and I've only lost 2kg not 5 or 7 or 15. It is hard to tell if I'm doing anything better though. I sort of want to sit down and chat about things with F and T again but equally just doing the daily things seems so hard. The past week it has been my turn to feed the chickens and just that simple task has stressed me out so much.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

I feel sad, I don't really know why. I thought I'd gained weight, just assumed I'd gained the 2kg I lost back but I haven't. 
I was going to have cinnamon porridge out of a bowl this morning but I had rice krispies from a mug with a teaspoon again. It is an oversized mug but still a mug. 

Thursday, 8 November 2012

Caving in.

I feel down, depressed, angry, fat...I don't know if it is because it is really quite here (everyone else who stays here is away/home for the weekend) or just because I'm tired. I feel like I've eaten a lot but I haven't.
I could go swimming (alone) tomorrow but I don't know if I have the energy or if my arm is ok enough or if it'll make me feel worse. Then I have an appointment at an orthodontist to get my retainer replaced (it disappeared from the bathroom...) £££! I'll be in a fairly large town (technically a city but very small), I could go and look at shops or sit in a bookshop. I'm not sure.
I don't know what to do about swimming. My back hurts and swimming helps that.
I'm moving inside but not until Sunday or Monday. I had hoped the guy who lives in the inside room at the moment would move some of his stuff before going home for the weekend but he didn't so I'm spending 3 or 4 more nights in the Shepherd's hut.

My toenails are breaking and falling off (which will sting like crazy in the pool), I have chilblains and my hair is falling out more. I reblogged this on tumblr.
This isn't entirely fitting, I am aiming to get better, I want to lose weight but it isn't what I'm aiming for. I've started to realise I might always want to lose weight but that I should aim for other things. However, I'm starting to think I have so much to work on that I don't know if I can do it by September. I don't have to do it all by then, I can see people in Nottingham. I feel overwhelmed. I thought it was going to be easier, I don't need to gain weight. All I've ever done before is gain weight, lose weight. The other stuff just seems too much I want to "move deeper and deeper into the eerie childish singsong land in my head". It is confusing there, scary even but familiar.

Maybe it is like Plato's allegory of the cave. I just need to turn around.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Il fait TROP froid

1. Not at a medical facility. Living in an 'extended household' for crazy people. So I live with a family of five and they have people struggling to come and live with them and they help by having routine, people to chat to, encouraging you to go to appointments/ driving me, cooking etc. 

2. Just sent the most incoherent email about being too cold. Had such bad cramps last night and in my chest and it is scary and it is just so cold. I can't think properly and I've been inside for 45 minutes. 
I live in a Shepherd's hut (google it and you get an idea of what it looks like). It has a stove but even if I get the fire heating to 20 deg Celsius I wake up and it is 4 or this morning 1 degree. But I don't know when T will check his emails because I think they're getting the kids up at the moment. 

3. Yesterday was exhausting. I was in the workshop with everyone making a 'shadow board' for tools (white board with the shape of the tool painted black, if the tool isn't there you can see what is missing). Then we got on to discussing how we would feel if a Wednesday person came to stay for a week. Then I sort of slagged him off a bit (he is preaching and domineering), then I started talking about volunteers and the good and bad about them. But I did it in front of VolunteerIfindannoyingandwhousedflour, I didn't mean it like 'this is what is good, you are crap' but then once everyone had gone T talked to me about why I find said volunteer so argh'ing and basically we both said how I'm a massive child. He went inside for coffee. I used a carving knife to carve my arm (feel mega guilty about that...). Then I spent most of the rest of the morning crying. The rest of the day exhausted and then I couldn't sleep because IT IS COLD.

Lol that google doesn't recognise 'google' in spellcheck...

Sunday, 4 November 2012

Genuinely don't know if I can cope with living here. Volunteer has used my spelt flour to make a loaf...I was going to use it to make rolls this afternoon because I'm the only one that can't have wheat and they freeze and keep for longer but she has made a massive loaf and may well have mixed in wheat flour, I don't know. 
I don't want to eat biscuits and snacks much at the moment but I can't eat their bread or biscuits or crackers etc etc yet she thinks it is ok to just use the flour without asking me. There was over a kilo there and now there is 80g. I use 550g a to make 12 rolls. 
Then I think the other guest is pissed off with me because I didn't hear him say hello to me and I'm just really bad at communicating with him. I don't at all dislike him but I just don't know what to say to him.  
Anyway, if I bring any of this up it'll end up me being at fault.

Il fait froid!!!

I'm falling back to OCD and I guess that means I actually am struggling and this isn't all fake. One of the goals whilst I'm here (so the next 9ish months) is to be able to do a supermarket shop. I said I could maybe go into town to buy the things for soup on Tuesday (soup is Wednesday), then last night it came into my head that if I go I have to buy paracetamol. Not to kill myself, just to make myself sick for a few days. Which is stupid. I should tell T or F (the people that run the woods), I probably will, I'm remarkably honest with them and I actually don't mind talking to T about stuff even though he is a man. 

Seeing Lily was lovely. We went to Wells which is a city but really tiny it just happens to have a cathedral and is therefore a city. We ate in this vegetarian cafe and I had a jacket potato with ratatouille which is something I actually like but also strange to eat similar foods to last year but in the right portion size. We both felt a bit uncomfortably full, wandered round the market and some of the shops. I bought my friend whose just had her baby boy at 31 weeks a little knitted hat and booties (red hat, RAINBOW BOOTIES! I'm not sure what her husband will think...). Then we came back here and had a snack watching Atonement. 

T and F were out yesterday and last night meaning I didn't have dinner... the other guest (aka ill person) and the volunteer (child psych patronising woman) had fish. I just realised I could opt out so did, I had rice krispies watching strictly come dancing. 

Then I woke up this morning to (a little bit) of snow! This is the picture from the house and the hanging basket happens to obscure my hut but you get the idea that it is cold and snowy!

Additionally, thank you for all the comments I've had recently, I genuinely have more contact with you guys than people I know from uni etc. It means a lot and sorry to those I haven't replied to via facebook or email etc xxx

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Really sleepy but I can't be bothered to go and light a fire in my hut to have a nap. I booked the dietician appointment this morning but the next one isn't until the 10th December so I'm hoping I will have seen or at least know when my Mental Health Team appointment is by then.
I got an email from the Eating Disorder charity checking how I was after the appointment and if I wanted to meet again to discuss options. I emailed back saying I'm a abit overwhelmed at the moment and can't afford to pay (it is £20/hour). So I'll see what they say back but I'd feel safer seeing NHS because I don't have to worry about money and there is crisis team and back up if I fall apart.
So having had 3 appointments in a row I have none until I get a letter from CMHT (community mental health team).