Thursday, 8 November 2012

Caving in.

I feel down, depressed, angry, fat...I don't know if it is because it is really quite here (everyone else who stays here is away/home for the weekend) or just because I'm tired. I feel like I've eaten a lot but I haven't.
I could go swimming (alone) tomorrow but I don't know if I have the energy or if my arm is ok enough or if it'll make me feel worse. Then I have an appointment at an orthodontist to get my retainer replaced (it disappeared from the bathroom...) £££! I'll be in a fairly large town (technically a city but very small), I could go and look at shops or sit in a bookshop. I'm not sure.
I don't know what to do about swimming. My back hurts and swimming helps that.
I'm moving inside but not until Sunday or Monday. I had hoped the guy who lives in the inside room at the moment would move some of his stuff before going home for the weekend but he didn't so I'm spending 3 or 4 more nights in the Shepherd's hut.

My toenails are breaking and falling off (which will sting like crazy in the pool), I have chilblains and my hair is falling out more. I reblogged this on tumblr.
This isn't entirely fitting, I am aiming to get better, I want to lose weight but it isn't what I'm aiming for. I've started to realise I might always want to lose weight but that I should aim for other things. However, I'm starting to think I have so much to work on that I don't know if I can do it by September. I don't have to do it all by then, I can see people in Nottingham. I feel overwhelmed. I thought it was going to be easier, I don't need to gain weight. All I've ever done before is gain weight, lose weight. The other stuff just seems too much I want to "move deeper and deeper into the eerie childish singsong land in my head". It is confusing there, scary even but familiar.

Maybe it is like Plato's allegory of the cave. I just need to turn around.


  1. Things are hard. I think you can come through it. xx

  2. It's tough when you try to actually Do Things as opposed to focusing on weight, but it can be done. Even though it can also be very overwhelming.

    I hope your toes and your back feel better. <3