Saturday, 17 November 2012

I spent all of last year restricting, being out of myself with hunger. Fluctuating around the same 5-7kg. Then, I leave university, I'm planning on getting better (I think?) and I'm still in that 5-7kg range but I'm moving down far faster than I did at any point last year excluding extreme dehydration. I'm eating, I'm drinking, I'm not swimming, I'm not going for long walks. 
I don't think I want this anymore. I don't know what it is to not want this though so I keep doing it. 
In the evening, I add up my calories, see I haven't had enough, some nights I go and get some raisins. Last night I was so so hungry but I can't go in the kitchen after 9pm. I thought about eating some biscuits in the Garden Room but a) I'm allergic to them and b) A (another guest) was in there and I didn't want him to see. So I thought 'oh well, I'll just lose a bit more tomorrow'. I do sort of get a buzz when I see a lower number now...but not so much, I more think 'Oh that is interesting' and then another part of me thinks 'This is bad, you're just going to have to gain it back at somepoint'. I didn't bring any small small clothes with me. I have 3 dresses which all fit, probably even if my BMI was 23 they'd still be fine. A skirt that is meant to be high waisted but isn't on me so if I gain it'll just fit how it is supposed to. Stretchy skirts, leggings. My jeans are children's but I've accepted that I need to buy adults ones from now on.
I've realised fitting into certain clothes is quite a big trigger for me. Last night I was thinking about some very very very small jeans I have at home and how they might fit when I go home at Christmas. I'm really glad they aren't here though, otherwise I'd be really aiming for that. I need to throw them away. 

I have no desire to do anything much. I want to lay in the dark and try not to think.

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