Monday, 31 December 2012

End of the year review

I'm not where I expected at the start of the year.
My resolutions were rather boringly to be tidier and to be more organised with revision and studying. 
I didn't think I'd be taking the year off of university. I didn't think I'd be living in a woodland community in a different part of the country. I didn't think so many things would happen. However, I think a big part of that was because I couldn't envisage myself very far in the future. Not because I thought I would die but because I was so focused on just surviving that day, week, month, semester. 
I'm not discontent with 2012 though. I've learnt a lot and it is realistic that in a years time I could be happier and healthier if I put the work in. If I want it enough. 

I'm going to the usual friend's for New Year. I went last year and the year before. We will chat, play Settlers of Catan, ring of fire, go for a midnight walk. It is a lovely group of quirky people and however fine or freaked out I get they will be fine with it. Which is lovely.

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Is this boring yet?

A year ago 
Two years ago

Nothing has really changed. I think I'm more aware of what being better actually is. I think I want it more. I'm not sure, I don't know if that is just because people I care about an awful lot are recovering and I would hate to trigger them. But I'm not eating properly and I measured myself this morning to compare to a year ago. I'm not at university, but I really like where I am living and in lots of ways I am getting better there. I eat at least two meals a day everyday. I don't throw up, I don't use laxatives, I haven't overdosed in over six months. I am healthier in lots of ways (I know 2 meals a day isn't healthy) but physically I'm more ill. I feel less ill. I have more energy but I'm even worse at keeping warm, I'm having to go on the pill because of my oestrogen levels and the damage to my bones. 
I can't believe I've actually done this to myself. I've been starving and cold and tired for six years. Mostly that is all I can remember being hungry and cold and tired. It is all I remember of college, it is a large part of what I remember of university. Just walking and being cold and tired and hungry. Swimming and getting out and being so so cold. 

I know when I go back to The Woods the rules are changing somewhat. I (finally) gave them my scale on my last night there before Christmas. I thought T had forgotten but he pointed out he had asked for it five or six times. If I ask to weigh myself I have to do it in the main room. Not so everyone can see my weight but so I can't be obsessive and secretive about it. A isn't going to be allowed his computer (gambling addiction), he'll be able to use the shared one but his has to be put away because he checks it all the time even in meeting times and spends all his time watching his money go up and down as we watch his mood go up and down.

I don't know if anything is going to change with food, I'm meant to be seeing the dietitian again in February but the GP has complained about the low calorie low fat weight loss (!) plan she gave me so I don't know if I will be seeing her again or not.

I've spent 31% of my life with a diagnosed ED. I've had food phobia issues 89% of my life. 

I don't know how much I really want to change? I don't mean I don't want to change I mean I don't know.

Sunday, 23 December 2012


I wish I wasn't here. 
I don't want to be in this house in this town. 
I don't want to be with my family. 

There is too much history. Too much that can't be said and that they can't provide. 

She didn't hug me and she didn't feed me. 

For years I've wondered how I sob the words 'I want my mum' and don't mean my mum.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Lots and lots going on. I can't really begin to explain it all. I told T some stuff (via letter) yesterday and he said we'd talk about it but we haven't so I feel crappy because it was a massive massive deal to tell him. I mean he has been busy and we will talk at somepoint but yeh. 
CMHT (mental health team) called yesterday. So much crap. 

I'm going home for Christmas on Saturday until roughly January 2nd. 

Sunday, 16 December 2012


Bipolar man A is fasting "for spiritual enlightenment". I want to light a spliff in front of him and say it is for "medicinal purposes". Fucking hell. 

In all of this whatever I say it'll be my fault for being triggered and funnily enough lighting up a spliff would get me kicked out. 

Social worker meeting at mental health place was shite. I move to the wrong part of the county to see an actual ED team. In this area they just have a specialist who advises your key worker or therapist (unless you get thin enough for them to refer you out of area). It was another hour and a quarter of discussing things that are boring. Me crying, her saying bullshit about my life and being wonderfully unenthusiastic about if/how they could help me. 

I'm angry, I want to swear and thump and smash things. I can't though, so I just cut. T says he'd rather I throw plates at him than cut myself but that is a load of crap too because he'd go mental if I threw plates at him.

I have to clean out the chicken coop tomorrow. Boo-fucking-yah.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Oh fuck, I actually have to get better. I actually have to change things even if no one forces me. I actually have to do this.

Monday, 10 December 2012


Key words from the information leaflets my dietitian gave me:
"weight loss" "weight loss plan" x 5

"most people will lose weight if they eat or drink between 1,500 and 1,800 calories a day"

A big red box entitled A WORD OF CAUTION advising against avocado, dried fruits, fruit juice, smoothies and tinned fruit or veg.

"We believe in a weight loss plan for life. That doesn't mean having to survive forever on salads and crispbreads!"

"But remember that fat is sometimes hidden in foods, so it may not be obvious. Watch out!"

"Do you really need to add margarine to the mashed potato? Greasy chips?"

"Try breads which are so tasty they don't need any spread"

"Count the fat!"

"oil-rich dressing? Choose low calorie or fat free...wouldn't your fresh fruit taste even better without the cream?"

"Semi-skimmed milk is great, skimmed even better"

"Choose low fat...low sugar or low calorie!"

"Choose fromage frais and choose the very low fat type"


T and F think it is crazy they gave it to me. I just feel like everything has been confirmed just as I want to escape from this. 

I feel so shit. They should write some pro-ana tips and tricks in their spare time.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

I took some time off from blogging (I know right...four days or something... :P) because some people were talking about blogging and narcissism and I just wanted to think about why I blog etc. 
I had a hard week but yesterday I saw Lily which was lovely and made me go out. The mental health team called whilst I was with her and I have another assessment on the 14th. I'm seeing the nutritionist on Monday and therefore freaking out. I'm verging on binging due to restriction and ate some food with wheat in it this evening (in a sort of 'binge' style 'I NEED TO EAT SOMETHING' way but I didn't binge  in terms of quantity) so my stomach is bloated, I'm retching acid and generally in pain now. Fun.

I asked T and F for 'homework' to do in the evenings as a distraction from self-harm. T is an author and F is Italian and they speak to the children in Italian a lot of the time. I'm picking up bits of Italian and can understand a lot but I'm going to do some grammar etc. I'm hoping it helps as a distraction.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Les enfants

One of the best things about being here is that it is a family home. It isn't a unit, it isn't a closed community and there is a fairly large group of people who regularly pop in or come for a day (or a few days). It also means their 3 young kids are here...which 90% of the time is lovely. Not only are they funny and cute, they let you know exactly what they think of you and are a massive distraction (bearing Lego or stickers). However living with three kids under 8 also has it's drawbacks... mainly that there are days like today when all three are tired, all three have cried and all three have screamed. Additionally their new bedtime routine clashes with the Strictly Come Dancing results show which I really love watching all together! Obviously it also means that you can't have intense conversations all the time but that has its pros. The same as being here- regardless of the weather or how shit you feel the pigs need feeding, everyone else needs feeding. However shit I feel generally I can come out and play with the kids and have to ignore that for awhile. I can't always do that, they aren't always here, or awake and you can't rely on them to be agreeable...and often if I feel awful and I really don't want to interact with children (or anyone) for fear of inflicting my crazy on them.

I did a really stupid thing for a number addict and got the My Fitness Pal app on my phone... I already have an Excel spreadsheet of my weight.

I really really want to lose but I also sort of want T and F to be stricter? Like say I HAVE to give them my scales and I don't know about eating because I don't have a meal plan at the moment (dietitian on the 10th).

I want to get better but enough of me wants to get sicker that I can't tell people how to help me.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

I wish I could just have one day where I didn't fall off the cliff into the abyss of feeling crap. 

I've done lots of nice things today, no one has upset me, nothing has gone wrong. 

I've eaten more than usual but we're only having a small dinner and it isn't the end of the world but whatever is going on in my head I just want to curl up in bed and shut the world out.