Thursday, 27 December 2012

Is this boring yet?

A year ago 
Two years ago

Nothing has really changed. I think I'm more aware of what being better actually is. I think I want it more. I'm not sure, I don't know if that is just because people I care about an awful lot are recovering and I would hate to trigger them. But I'm not eating properly and I measured myself this morning to compare to a year ago. I'm not at university, but I really like where I am living and in lots of ways I am getting better there. I eat at least two meals a day everyday. I don't throw up, I don't use laxatives, I haven't overdosed in over six months. I am healthier in lots of ways (I know 2 meals a day isn't healthy) but physically I'm more ill. I feel less ill. I have more energy but I'm even worse at keeping warm, I'm having to go on the pill because of my oestrogen levels and the damage to my bones. 
I can't believe I've actually done this to myself. I've been starving and cold and tired for six years. Mostly that is all I can remember being hungry and cold and tired. It is all I remember of college, it is a large part of what I remember of university. Just walking and being cold and tired and hungry. Swimming and getting out and being so so cold. 

I know when I go back to The Woods the rules are changing somewhat. I (finally) gave them my scale on my last night there before Christmas. I thought T had forgotten but he pointed out he had asked for it five or six times. If I ask to weigh myself I have to do it in the main room. Not so everyone can see my weight but so I can't be obsessive and secretive about it. A isn't going to be allowed his computer (gambling addiction), he'll be able to use the shared one but his has to be put away because he checks it all the time even in meeting times and spends all his time watching his money go up and down as we watch his mood go up and down.

I don't know if anything is going to change with food, I'm meant to be seeing the dietitian again in February but the GP has complained about the low calorie low fat weight loss (!) plan she gave me so I don't know if I will be seeing her again or not.

I've spent 31% of my life with a diagnosed ED. I've had food phobia issues 89% of my life. 

I don't know how much I really want to change? I don't mean I don't want to change I mean I don't know.


  1. I think change will come to you, and you will allow//want it when you find something good and something better maybe?
    Best wishes to you my dear, all my love xx

  2. It seems to me that some things have changed. Perhaps not physically; I wouldn't know about that. What I've seen is a change in your outlook, your attitude toward recovery. I admire that change, and I want it. It seems you're closer to getting unstuck than you have been, which is amazing.