Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Sunday 24th February

I'm in Nottingham at the moment.It is going quite well. I went out for my friend's birthday yesterday. There were some annoying people but mostly is was enjoyable.
Today whilst everyone else was nursing hangovers I got up and went to my friend's house. We had coffee and a chat about her life, new boyfriend etc. Then I went into town to a few shops and to the cinema. Now I'm back at my friend's house chilling out. I'm staying here tonight then off to sign the contract for my uni house from september.

T gave me a lift to the coach station on saturday morning. I got a bit of an ultimatum about food which has been going backwards but...I just didn't think anyone really noticed. We're talking when I'm back but basically I have to have breakfast, at least one roll at lunch and not interfere with dinner (as in if I'm allergic to the planned dinner and am having an alternative the chef for the night does it for me)

I've vaguely mentioned food hiding but I don't know if they got it. I know how silly and illogical and potentially obvious it is but I can't not and I know I'm going to get into trouble at somepoint.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

I met with a new (private) therapist today. We kinda just quickly ran through the main problem areas and didn't really get on to how we would work on them. She seems good though, is going to get in touch with my old psychiatrist and my GP. 

(She has scales in her room which is scary, not cool with that at 3.30pm)

I'm probably talking to T and F just me on Thursday but we haven't set an actual time so it might not happen.

I might be going to Nottingham this weekend but things have been really disorganised so I don't know. 

Food is crappy.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Update: Appointment, GP etc.

The appointment was... a little bit pointless. The psychiatrist openly admitted she knew nothing about EDs. At all. I was saying about how restricting means I suppress my feelings etc and she just had no clue. F and I were like...okaaaaay. She is going to talk to the ED team but pretty much said unless I lose 5kg I won't be seeing them.
I didn't get diagnosed with anything new! Thank goodness!
It was mainly F and I going 'so it has taken you since October to do what exactly???' I mean they assessed me and wrote a report the Service Manager had to apologise for and then when I do have an appointment the Psychiatrist knows nothing about any of my diagnosis' except depression. So nothing about EDs, nothing about Asperger's, nothing about Tourette's, nothing about PTSD...
I don't have another appointment, she will write to me about whether or not the ED team will see me.

So even though I know why I want and need to get better (life, fertility, bones that don't break, a heart that beats) as of Wednesday eating has gone downhill. T and F noticed some stuff but equally I've eaten marshmallow and chocolate in front of them so I think they think it is fine. I don't know. When they psych asked why I'd increased my intake by 100 calories recently F just said 'because of us'. Which actually made me feel way less guilty. The psych said I was unusual because 'people with eating disorder's don't know they have a problem' (which is bullshit).

On Wednesday I saw the GP to get my blood results. I have anaemia but not severely and she is chasing up the 24 ECG and sending me for a tilt test (which is scary!!). My pill is being changed (on it to up my bone density) so the idea is that I won't take anything this week and will get a period however I'm doubtful anything will happen.

I've been kinda low/ irritable the last few days. Blanking out 'switching off' seems to be the only way to deal with stuff.

Monday, 11 February 2013

My psychiatrist appointment is tomorrow. F is coming with me (thank goodness...and her!). The Service Manager called today to apologise for an awful thing they wrote in my report. They had previously refused to apologise so I'm really relieved. 
I also spoke to him about how I really want to get better. How my weight is 18/19 BMI so stable and not critical but that because of my heart and blood pressure I can't cycle, I'm not allowed to drive, I'm on the pill to try and sort out my oestrogen and stop my bone density getting worse. I need to get better sooner rather than later, I can't keep ticking along like this. 
He seemed pretty reasonable. 
He is going to speak to the psychiatrist before my appointment tomorrow morning so she knows about all the errors in the report. 

I'm still anxious about the appointment but less so now that I've spoken to a reasonable person who works there. 

Also I finally called up about money and I'm now on the amount I should be on and they are backdating payments for the 2 months they didn't give me any money and oh my goodness it is such a relief that I don't have to worry about money again for awhile!

New stress: burger and chips for dinner.

Saturday, 9 February 2013

"I am stuck in this rut of self-loathing and self-destruction, and my wish to be thin has somehow obliterated all other possibilities. It's the part of me that runs counter to my hopes, the part that never wanted to grow up. And now I've grown, so that part of me is determined to destroy me." Rowan- wishinawell.blogspot.co.uk/

8.5% over my 'safe amount'.

Can't follow the plan I've written, can't show it to T or F or any of the volunteers. I.e. I can't show it to the people who could help me whilst I have them. 

Friday, 8 February 2013

Why can't I just be normal?

I went over but threw up. So now I'm still over but hungry and feeling crap and I think the person who cooked tonight might be offended that I haven't had any cake (she made it dairy and wheat free so I could eat it...)
I need to work out a healthy plan.

Egg with spelt bread (130)
    or porridge (190)
coffee (30)
apple (70)

nuts and raisins (200)
coffee (30)

spelt bread, houmous, lettuce, jam, olives/ sundried tomatoes, ham etc (350)
+/ boiled egg (70)
Coffee (30)
+ dark chocolate a few times a week (100 2 sqs)

nuts and raisins (200)
coffee (30)

Whatever is cooked. (Often vegetarian- lentils, tomatoes, pasta/brown rice etc) (500)


Eurgh why can't I just do that!!! 
I've been aware I need to eat more for... lets just say awhile. So I've been trying to eat more, adding it up in the evening and then realising 'oh it is still roughly the same amount'. 
Today I've eaten how much I would normally eat in a day BUT I haven't had dinner yet...lentils and veg followed by chocolate courgette cake. Which healthy as it sounds has 300ml of oil in it. 
I had a blood test this morning and my arm is oh so painful.

I have my psych appointment on Tuesday and the following Tuesday I'm meeting a private therapist. The psych appointment is just to get a report ammended I've pretty much given up trying to get help from them. When I go back to Uni I can go back to good NHS treatment rather than living in the middle of the country NHS treatment!

Knowing I'm going to go over my 'safe' number I want to just eat and eat and eat. I did that on the 13th of January and ate my recommended amount of calories.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

I'm so exhausted, and exhausted of being exhausted. I eat more so I can work outside, work outside and sleep all afternoon. I end up on roughly the same calorie total as always but I've spent a morning outside working. 
I need help to eat more and I don't know if T or F knows that and if they don't it is because most of the time I'm not focused enough on eating more. Most of the time I don't want it.