Saturday, 30 March 2013

Moody

On Monday I'm going to a larger community for 10 days, then to my parent's house for a few days for my little brother's birthday.

I am so stressed about going, about having to sort my room out here so some strangers can sleep in it, about how fat I feel...I want to cut (I won't), I want to restrict whilst I'm away (I don't know how not to). 

I'm ok about going, I pretty much get to spend 10 days sewing and doing art. But I'm so angry about going too. T and F and their kids are going on holiday, N and D (long-term, live-in volunteers) are staying here, having friends over, feeding the animals and chilling out. I'm NOT ALLOWED TO BE HERE. Plus, I only got told I wasn't staying here with N and D 8 days ago...

Yesterday and today, T and F and N have had friends and family over, it has been really busy, I'm really tired, the kids are annoying me. I'm the only 'crazy' person here and all these visitors ask me what I'm doing with my life and I have to give some polite answer. 

I do love being here, but sometimes I just want some quiet and no one having a conversation right outside my door, or asking if they can get linen from my room (YES YOU CAN BUT DO IT YOURSELF).

Monday, 18 March 2013

I got an ultimatum on Friday, which was pretty much if I don't make more effort with food then I can't stay here. 
To an extent I do agree, food has gone backwards and it needs to go forwards... however I really wish there was time to talk about WHY that is rather than just 'you have to'. They don't know all the little battles. Using a bowl not a mug, using a normal sized spoon, not weighing foods, deciding how much is 'enough', feeling full, feeling really really full and then half an hour later really hungry, feeling lonely, feeling in the way, feeling different. 
They are lovely lovely people and there isn't enough time in the day to discuss what is going on and regardless yes, I do need to eat better. But I feel so alone in this. 

I really think seeing this therapist is a waste of money.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

This is potentially the longest gap in my blogging history. I have nothing to write. 
I'm realising I can't do this alone, or control it. I am not secretly pretending to have this disorder and am no longer holding the belief that I will therefore snap out of it. My therapist has decided she isn't qualified to meal plan with me. I started talking about abuse and I just didn't find it useful. She didn't say anything wrong, I just don't know if she could comprehend.
I'm feeling increasingly like where my parents live is not my home. That no where is my home. That there is no where I can pitch up at next year, whilst I'm studying, and curl up with familiar people and warmth for a weekend. Yet I don't feel old enough to create my own home.
Health stuff is worrying me. Not for the here and now but for the future. My GP is chasing the 24hr ECG, the physio, the mental health dietician. 
I am curling up in the corner of my room crying, lamenting a feeling of home.