Wednesday, 13 March 2013

This is potentially the longest gap in my blogging history. I have nothing to write. 
I'm realising I can't do this alone, or control it. I am not secretly pretending to have this disorder and am no longer holding the belief that I will therefore snap out of it. My therapist has decided she isn't qualified to meal plan with me. I started talking about abuse and I just didn't find it useful. She didn't say anything wrong, I just don't know if she could comprehend.
I'm feeling increasingly like where my parents live is not my home. That no where is my home. That there is no where I can pitch up at next year, whilst I'm studying, and curl up with familiar people and warmth for a weekend. Yet I don't feel old enough to create my own home.
Health stuff is worrying me. Not for the here and now but for the future. My GP is chasing the 24hr ECG, the physio, the mental health dietician. 
I am curling up in the corner of my room crying, lamenting a feeling of home. 


  1. I think I understand perfectly.

    I am sorry.


  2. Hi, I used to read your blog 2010/2011 or so. I stopped reading all blogs and just logged in again, now. My 2 cents: You might find a drive for existence and find a complete set of moral codes if you become racially aware and decide what the best/perfect society is. You may decide there is no society in whic you want to be apart of, because all society types are terrible. You may realize the perfect society is one in which freedoms are allowed but no child rape or any rape or unvindicated torture exists. If the latter, you may feel a drive to see how that society can be attained, and what it looks like; contrary to what you're currently in.

    Being racially aware may help you realize certain people want to hurt you at all times, that you are inherently more empathetic and have greater cognitive ability than certain people, and that being around certain people who are mentally similar to you holds the best chance or reaping the greater rewards and decreases your chance of being raped.

    Sounds ridiculous. I was gonna kill myself in 2011. Dark, apathetic, existential, crazy eating/starving/painful days. I became homeless, and was rescued by a perfect man. He happens to be smart and has always understood racial differences. I figured out the world is terrible right ow, what I want my perfect, tiny society to be and realized there are others with the same mind.