It is roughly 8 or so months since I last wrote here. A lot has changed, a lot hasn't.
I'm back for my second year of university, I live with two girls I know from my first year, I am majorly involved in running my universities branch of a student mental health charity, I have a boyfriend, I am an outpatient, I am meant to be gaining but not.
In so many ways things are far better than they have been for the entire time I've had this blog. Spending over a year in the woodland community I lived in last year has lead to a more confident and more assertive me. Everyone at university can see the change, my university mental health worker is always so pleased with how I'm doing overall whatever dips there may be. I fully opened up in therapy in the summer and I feel able to tell people more of the things that happened. I'm also far more relaxed about people knowing I have Asperger's and Tourette's. I've been working with the team in my department researching Tourette's and hope they will supervise my third year project (equivalent to a dissertation).
I got my branch of the mental health charity a little over £8000 of funding for the next 18 months. I am somehow balancing this with my degree.
And yes, I have a boyfriend, he is also 21, studying medicine. He is quirky and we like a lot of the same things. He also took time off from his degree due to depression, I feel able to tell him things and he is understanding even if he can't fully understand. In terms of the eating disorder it has helped my body image but that makes me more reluctant to gain. I am under my natural weight but not an anorexic BMI, my ED team want me to gain, want me to eat at least 2000 calories a day over 3 meals and 3 snacks and learn to be whatever weight that makes me. Which makes so much sense...unless you are the patient.
Christmas has been a bit difficult but by no means unmanageable. Not including a slip-up in November I haven't cut for a year now.
I honestly don't know how things will turn out. At the moment I feel like I have some sort of equilibrium and I don't know that I want to push through that to whatever 'recovered' is. Lots of things are going well and making me happy. My team has been clear they think if I don't change that I might not ever end up in hospital again but I won't get better alone. I know there are slight medical things that if I stay like this I will regret further down the line; my teeth are becoming translucent in places, I only have periods due to a high oestrogen contraceptive pill. I simple can't do as much as other people, I don't know how I used to have the energy to walk so far or swim so far.